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Black Zarak
Title: Big Coffin Hunter
Joined: Feb 01 2006
Location: Phyrexia
Posts: 4098
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They showed a preview for it last night before Die Hard and my first thought was "Oh cool, Hitman movie." I don't know why I thought this, knowing that video game movies are always terrible, but I always did like Hitman. Then I saw the guy playing him and lost all hope. The actor looks really terrible bald (I assume he has hair usually and probably looks like less of a dope with it) and he looks like a pussy. The thought that came to mind is; why isn't 47 played by Jason Statham? I mean, c'mon, he practically already played the character twice for the Transporter movies, just make him a little more gruff, slap a barcode on the back of his neck and change his profession to hired assassin instead of a hired-guy-who-moves-things-for-you-possibly-illegally. I refuse to reserve judgment and make the prediction now that Hitman is going to suck.
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"Let that be a lesson to you, your family and everyone you've ever known..."
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DarkMaze
Joined: Feb 24 2006
Posts: 2578
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| Black Zarak wrote: |
| The actor looks really terrible bald (I assume he has hair usually and is probably looks like less of a dope with it) and he looks like a pussy. |
That was Timothy Olyphant, and you saw him just minutes afterward in Live Free or Die Hard as Thomas Gabriel.
But yeah, I would have loved for Jason Statham to be Agent 47.
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Black Zarak
Title: Big Coffin Hunter
Joined: Feb 01 2006
Location: Phyrexia
Posts: 4098
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| DarkMaze wrote: |
| Black Zarak wrote: |
| The actor looks really terrible bald (I assume he has hair usually and is probably looks like less of a dope with it) and he looks like a pussy. |
That was Timothy Olyphant, and you saw him just minutes afterward in Live Free or Die Hard as Thomas Gabriel.
But yeah, I would have loved for Jason Statham to be Agent 47. |
What? That guy sucked! He should be off fronting an emo band or something, not playing a contract killer! Shame on you, Hollywood!
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REVIEWS, LEGOS, NONSENSE Check out Zarak's Barracks!
"Let that be a lesson to you, your family and everyone you've ever known..."
"Thanks to denial, I'm immortal!" |
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S. McCracken
Moderator
Title: Enforcer
Joined: Aug 22 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 2171
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He was great in Deadwood. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.
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Tebor
Moderator
Title: Master of the Universe
Joined: Aug 22 2005
Location: Gotham City
Posts: 6088
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The guy from "Catch and Release"!?
Sorry...
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 "If you will not tell me, I will hurt people!!!" -Nuclear Man
"Do you hear? The alpha and the omega. Death and rebirth. And as you die, so will I be reborn!" - Skeletor
8341 unread forum updates since I left (2/7/14)... Uh-oh. |
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S. McCracken
Moderator
Title: Enforcer
Joined: Aug 22 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 2171
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| Tebor wrote: |
The guy from "Catch and Release"!?
Sorry...  |
And "The Girl Next Door".
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mallman
Joined: Jun 18 2007
Posts: 54
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There appears to be a big gunfight which is NOT what Hitman is about
That and there's a love interest?
I'd be pretty pissed if it turns out to be true
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Tebor
Moderator
Title: Master of the Universe
Joined: Aug 22 2005
Location: Gotham City
Posts: 6088
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Again, it's a movie.
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 "If you will not tell me, I will hurt people!!!" -Nuclear Man
"Do you hear? The alpha and the omega. Death and rebirth. And as you die, so will I be reborn!" - Skeletor
8341 unread forum updates since I left (2/7/14)... Uh-oh. |
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mallman
Joined: Jun 18 2007
Posts: 54
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| Tebor wrote: |
Again, it's a movie.  |
Yeah, but that stuff is kinda critical to the Hitman series (the perfect murderer without any emotions)
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Tebor
Moderator
Title: Master of the Universe
Joined: Aug 22 2005
Location: Gotham City
Posts: 6088
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| mallman wrote: |
| Tebor wrote: |
Again, it's a movie.  |
Yeah, but that stuff is kinda critical to the Hitman series (the perfect murderer without any emotions) |
I've learned nothing is sacred or critical when it comes to film adaptations.
However, I did see the trailer. It looks like The Professional meets American Psycho. I think they made it as faithfully as they felt they needed.
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 "If you will not tell me, I will hurt people!!!" -Nuclear Man
"Do you hear? The alpha and the omega. Death and rebirth. And as you die, so will I be reborn!" - Skeletor
8341 unread forum updates since I left (2/7/14)... Uh-oh. |
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FNJ
2010 SLF Tag Champ
Joined: Jun 07 2006
Posts: 12294
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I heard they'd be vin deisel doing the hitman.
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Tebor
Moderator
Title: Master of the Universe
Joined: Aug 22 2005
Location: Gotham City
Posts: 6088
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Just saw it... I've never played the games, so I don't know how faithful it was, but as a movie it was pretty terrible.
Timothy Olyphant just isn't cool enough to be in this film! First, he barely seems to be acting, but, second, there's so many bad one liners in this film you need someone like Statham or Diesel who can say crappy dialogue but make it sound cool. I would not have a problem with the hundreds of things I saw if someone like Statham was in it; I can believe he can do anything. Olyphant, not the case.
The action is also terrible. Things blow up, sure, but there's no life to any of it. There's a four way fight scene with knives at one point, but damned if it looked good. Remember "Ecks Vs. Sever" and the crappy fights in that? Same deal here. There's no tension, there's no suspense in any of the scenes. The film has a very quick pace to cram the movie into 90 minutes, but it never feels like it is "racing" to get to the climax except to end the movie as soon as possible. Not to mention the whole film feels like a ripoff of several other movies, mostly "The Transporter".
There was some good in it. I did laugh a bit. And there was a subplot involving Agent 47's inability to be in anyway sexual with women that I was rather amused by. He's hit on by a woman who's just divorced her sixth husband at a bar and he walks away to go to his hotel room to read: "The Guy's Guide to Women" or something like that. Another chick walks around naked for him later in the film and he ignores it. She tries to have sex with him later, but he very humorously escapes from that. I've just never seen an action hero actually have to deal with an intimacy issue in a film like this before. I thought it was a cute way to address something the screenwriter noticed in the games.
Anyway, it's a pretty bad movie that I can't recommend unless you're a Hitman fan (and even that I can't guarantee).
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 "If you will not tell me, I will hurt people!!!" -Nuclear Man
"Do you hear? The alpha and the omega. Death and rebirth. And as you die, so will I be reborn!" - Skeletor
8341 unread forum updates since I left (2/7/14)... Uh-oh. |
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Grimmriffer
Title: vaguely perturbed
Joined: Jun 19 2007
Location: God's waiting room
Posts: 205
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The only Hitman game I ever played was Blood Money on the 360. I absolutely adored that game. You'd think a game based on carrying out hits would have no replay value, but I was obessed with doing "the perfect job" and would replay the same scenarios over and over again to get the coveted Silent Assasin score.
Hitman is one of the few videogames that could be written as a dcent movie on its own, as long as the writer focused on the most intersting aspect of Agent 47: he's the most nihlistic, heartless motherfucker on the plannet. If you could convince the audience that this albino clone would strangle a five-year-old girl with his bare hands if the pay was good enough, then you have a movie. Not that I would include such a scene.
I would probably have written the movie based on the plot of Blood Money. I would have potrayed the opening scene based on the job you have to do on the first level.
The scene opens with a hot blond chick in an office with a can of soda in her hand. The camera follows her as she paces nervously around the room. We can here the muffled sounds of a man's voice comming from behind a door. Suddenly, the woman starts to choke. She goes into convulsions and falls to the floor. The can of soda rolls from her hand and stops at the base of an armoire. The aroire opens from the inside and a well dressed foot emerges, stepping on the can. The camera follows the man from the back. The audience has not yet seen his face, but back of his head reveals him to be a bald albino with a barcode on the back of his neck. He enters the door where the man's voice was eminating.
The camera focuses on a fat man stting at a desk, arguing with someone on his cell phone. The office is a mess, littered with papers and carnival memorabelia. Plaques and rewards on the wall indicate that the man is some kind of carnival director. He appears to be arguing with his spouse about money. A shadow crosses is face.
Agent 47: Mr Stein?
Stein stops, notcing he is not alone. He looks up. The audience sees an imposining albino figure towering overhead, silenced pistol in one hand, small photgraph in the ohter.
Stein: Can I help you?
47: My client has asked that I show you this picture.
Stein: Kathy? He glances towards the open door.
47: Look at the picture, Mr. Stein.
Agent 47 slides the picture on to the desk. It appears to be that of a teenager. Also on the desk is a yellowed newspaper clipping with the headline "Seven Die in Ferris Wheel Accident."
Stein: (begins to lose composure) It wasn't my fault! Those damn lackeys...
47: (becomming indignent) Look at the picture, Mr. Stein.
Stein does not appear to be listening. With the picture in his hand, be gets down on his knees in front of agent 47, pleading for his life. 47 Calmly walks to the wall where a signed baseball bat is on display. He takes the bat off the wall. The music begins to creschendo as Stein babbles incoherently. 47 stands over him, raises the bat with one hand, at brings it down on his head. Cue title sequence.
Did the movie have any scene resembling that?
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Tebor
Moderator
Title: Master of the Universe
Joined: Aug 22 2005
Location: Gotham City
Posts: 6088
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Fuck no. There's nothing anywhere near that quality in the film. And there's not much in terms of stealth either.
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 "If you will not tell me, I will hurt people!!!" -Nuclear Man
"Do you hear? The alpha and the omega. Death and rebirth. And as you die, so will I be reborn!" - Skeletor
8341 unread forum updates since I left (2/7/14)... Uh-oh. |
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TheRoboSleuth
Title: Sleuth Mark IV
Joined: Aug 08 2006
Location: The Gritty Future
Posts: 2739
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Roger Ebert gave the movie three stars, in further proof that the man should probably lose his job so he can spend a bit more time watching crap at artsy film festivals.
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Cattivo
Joined: Apr 14 2006
Location: Lake Michigan
Posts: 3332
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Ebert went soft years ago, giving thumbs up to derivative, cookie cutter crap like this. I think his only criteria anymore is if it distracts him long enough from his life of cooking & eating.
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Lady_Satine
Title: Head of Lexian R&D
Joined: Oct 15 2005
Location: Metro area, Georgia
Posts: 7287
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| Cattivo wrote: |
| Ebert went soft years ago, giving thumbs up to derivative, cookie cutter crap like this. I think his only criteria anymore is if it distracts him long enough from his life of cooking & eating. |
Yet if you showed the man any of the games he'd refuse to give them a nod as "art." His BS idea is that since a game is active entertainment, it gives the player hoices that change the outcome and distort/ruin the creator's vision.
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 "Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!" |
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Char Aznable
Title: Char Classicâ„¢
Joined: Jul 24 2006
Location: Robot Boombox HQ
Posts: 7542
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And yet this shit gets a good rating? Something that took the game's story, crumpled it up and used it to masturbate? Moron.
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Blackout
Title: Captain Oblivious
Joined: Sep 01 2007
Location: That Rainy State
Posts: 10376
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It was ok, thought the lead was a bit too smiley to portray 47 though, 47 doesn't smile.
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FNJ
2010 SLF Tag Champ
Joined: Jun 07 2006
Posts: 12294
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I just really wanted to fuck that chick.
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ReeperTheSeeker
Joined: Aug 26 2007
Posts: 2752
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| JEW wrote: |
| I just really wanted to fuck that chick. |
who doesn't?
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Knyte
2010 SLF Tag Champ*
Title: Curator Of The VGM
Joined: Nov 01 2006
Location: Here I am.
Posts: 6749
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| ReeperTheSeeker wrote: |
| JEW wrote: |
| I just really wanted to fuck that chick. |
who doesn't?  |
Yeah, chicks that looks like little white boxes, with a red "X", are hot.
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ReeperTheSeeker
Joined: Aug 26 2007
Posts: 2752
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| ReeperTheSeeker wrote: |
| JEW wrote: |
| I just really wanted to fuck that chick. |
who doesn't?  |
Hey!!! What happened to the pic i posted? Oh-no! Did the moderator find me?
She was clothed . . . mostly . . . somewhat . . . she was un-naked.
Heres the link instead . . . if that's alright . . .
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FNJ
2010 SLF Tag Champ
Joined: Jun 07 2006
Posts: 12294
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ReeperTheSeeker
Joined: Aug 26 2007
Posts: 2752
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