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06/22/09: The 98th article is up.
Index: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Come To The Dark Side, We Have Cookies.
In this exercise, I eat a box of Star Wars Cookies from 1983 and see what happens.
Three years later, I die of cancer. Scientists attribute my death to "being a complete fucking idiot".
Contra: The Man's Guide To Fucking Like A Porn Star
What better way to follow Valdronius than with an article comparing Contra to sexual intercourse?
This analogy is not at all obtuse. This is the greatest thing I have ever written.
Impossible Mission: The Story Of A Research Paper
According to Valdronius, playing the classic Commodore 64 game Impossible Mission is a lot like writing a research paper.
Personally, I believe him. Check it out.
Who Watches The Watchmen?
This is either a review of the greatest graphic novel ever written, or a review of some Game & Watch games.
Either way, some of you will be disappointed.
Spiritual Warfare: A Review by Valdronius
Is it possible for a game with a burning sword on the title screen to suck?
Yes, if it was made by fundamentalist Christians. But maybe it won't entirely suck. Valdronius investigates.
Home Alone: The Game
For his contractually obligated Christmas article, Syd reviews the Home Alone board game.
It's not as terrible as you might think.
Bucky O'Hare: A Review by Valdronius
The Bucky O'Hare franchise was a lot of different things to a lot of different people.
To Valdronius, it was a pretty entertaining NES game.
Lessons Learned From Are You Afraid of the Dark, Season 5
The fifth season of Are You Afraid of the Dark? taught us even more things we shouldn't do.
Unfortunately, there's no Dr. Vink.
Lessons Learned From Are You Afraid of the Dark, Season 4
In my continuing series on Are You Afraid of the Dark?, we learn that Season 4 was fucking awesome.
INSIDE: Sardo and Dr. Vink, together at last!
Lessons Learned From Are You Afraid of the Dark, Season 3
I've cranked out yet another article on Are You Afraid of the Dark? in honor of Halloween. You fucking love it.
INSIDE: My daring plan to kidnap Jewel Staite.
Lessons Learned From Are You Afraid of the Dark, Season 2
The second season of Are You Afraid of the Dark? was way more learny and educational than the original one.
No wait, they're about the same. Nevermind.
Lessons Learned From Are You Afraid of the Dark, Season 1
The great thing about Are You Afraid of the Dark? is that it didn't have preachy heavy-handed messages embedded in it.
Oh wait, yes it did.
50 NES Quotes Every Gamer Should Know
Hey, here's a list of classic NES quotes.
Everyone likes lists, right?
Dumb Guy Stuck In Video Game
If you somehow became trapped in a magic pinball machine, how long would it take you to figure it out? Less than an hour?
Probably, unless you were a complete fucking moron. This is the story of one such moron.
15 Bullshit NES Game Endings
Sometimes you play a game through all the way to the end, only to find out that the ending fucking sucks.
Here are fifteen NES games where that's indeed the case.
Mega Man 3 Sucks
Mega Man 3 sucks, and if you like it, you're a fucking idiot. Should I say it again?
MEGA MAN 3 SUCKS! MEGA MAN 3 SUCKS! MEGA MAN 3 SUCK SUCK SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!
Syd Lexia on Alex Kidd in Miracle World
Long ago, there was a console called the Sega Master System. It was a good console, but it had the misfortune of not having the word "Nintendo" in its name.
This is a review of one of the Master System's best games: Alex Kidd in Miracle World.
Eggplants on the NES
There sure are a lot of eggplants on the NES.
Syd Lexia investigates.
The Winter Cleaning Crapstravaganza
Valdronius decides to explore his parents' basement and attic in the dead of winter, and what he finds may shock you.
FAIR WARNING: There will be BLOOD pogs.
Pac-Man: A Bleak Commentary on Western Life
You know, Pac-Man is a lot like your life.
Oh come on, that lead-in is fucking gold. Just read the goddam article.
