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Drew Linky's Sydlexia Retrospective


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LeshLush
Joined: Oct 19 2009
Location: Nashville, TN
PostPosted: Jul 19 2020 01:46 pm Reply with quote Back to top

When I google search "Sydlexia," this page is the second post.

It's nice to know that no matter what, I guess we'll be immortalized by Drew Linky, so long as he pays his hosting fee.

https://www.drewlinky.com/Drew/sydlexiaarticle.html
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LeshLush
Joined: Oct 19 2009
Location: Nashville, TN
PostPosted: Jul 19 2020 01:53 pm Reply with quote Back to top

Speaking of "paying your hosting fee," I see that the Retrodrome has disappeared from the cyber realms, never to be seen again. May it RIP.

The articles are evidently still viewable on the Internet Archive's Way Back Machine, but the old forums are lost in time, like tears in rain.
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Cameron
Title: :O � O:
Joined: Feb 01 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
PostPosted: Jul 20 2020 03:30 am Reply with quote Back to top

I actually had no idea that Drew_Linky wrote this, but this was honestly wonderful to read. It brought up a lot of fond memories, some info about forum drama I genuinely had no idea about (despite being around while it was apparently happening? But I won't dig up old stuff). Drew_Linky, I found the whole essay genuinely touching and it makes me feel all warm inside that I impacted your life. Smile

LeshLush wrote:
Speaking of "paying your hosting fee," I see that the Retrodrome has disappeared from the cyber realms, never to be seen again. May it RIP.

The articles are evidently still viewable on the Internet Archive's Way Back Machine, but the old forums are lost in time, like tears in rain.

I'm hoping it stays up, I remember reading a lot of cool articles on there. My long-term memory is garbage but I distinctly remember a really neat interview with Mike Maronna.


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LeshLush
Joined: Oct 19 2009
Location: Nashville, TN
PostPosted: Jul 20 2020 10:36 am Reply with quote Back to top

Also, I would be absolutely fucking remiss if I didn't provide this addendum.

Drew Linky wrote:

I'm new to this forum, so excuse me if I come off as a bad writer. Oh, wait, you won't have to excuse me, because I'll tell you to fuck off if you say bad things about this article.

Oh, and I don't want anyone telling me I'm a hater, so here's my disclaimer: I LOVE The Legend of Zelda. It is practically my life. Hell, I learned to READ from playing it. So I don't hate it. Or, maybe I do. There's no way you could possibly know.

That said, I'm going to begin my ran--recollection of The Legend of Zelda, one of the best (and most infuriating) games of all time.

I'm going to begin at... you guessed it, the beginning.

RANDOM FACT: After I beat this game for the first time, I went back to the title screen and sat for a few minutes, looking at the title (duh). Then I noticed that the sword sticking into the bottom of the Triforce Piece is not the straight-sword Zelda fans are oh-so familiar with. It is in fact a fencing-sword, like the French (or whoever) use. What the fuck is that for?

Anyway, once you put in your name (which is never used, by the way), you get dumped in the middle of an area you know nothing about. You have no map, no weapons, no methods of defense (no, I don't count that little piece of shit they call a shield. You couldn't block a cumshot from the tiniest balls in the universe with that), and worst of all, no instructions on what to do (that is, if you're like me and don't wait around for secret shit to happen on the title screen).

Now, I, being the young explorer I was, decided NOT to go into the cave. Instead, I would wander around the map until I was killed by the stray octoroc or moblin. After about three times of this, I actually screamed in anger at the television and didn't play until the next week.

When I resumed playing, I decided to go into the cave. After I recieved the sword, I crept into bed and cried for the next hour or so. Then, I finally picked up the controller and started off again, this time killing each and every enemy I found with fervor and animosity roughly equivalent to a dragon setting fire to a village while he has a big, fat stick up his ass.

Anyhow, I magically ended up at the fourth dungeon first. And I didn't look to see which dungeon it was because I didn't care. That is, I didn't care until about the fourteenth time I died. After that, I looked around to see what I was doing wrong, and saw, 'Dungeon 4'.

I threw the controller down (and broke it, I might add), and killed a puppy or two. The next day, when I restarted, I found that bridge to the dungeon-in-a-stump and praised Allah that I had found the first dungeon.

After much killing of those annoying bats, I found my way to both the boomerang and the bow (you know, in terms of number of uses, I consider the boomerang more useful then the bow. Not to mention that the bow is a bitch to use when you're low on rupees).

Now, after I defeated the boss (I learned a long time later that he's called Aquamentis, even though he has NOTHING TO DO WITH WATER WHATSO-FUCKIN' EVER. Remind you of something, Syd?), I felt proud of myself. I beat the first dungeon of an epic game.

Then I learned that there were more. I felt overwhelmed. But, I pressed on. I found the second dungeon, and after I killed another puppy beat that too. I continued in this manner (not necessarily the puppy thing... oh, who am I kidding? The world is at least thirty puppies less) until I was at Ganon's lair.

Now, the final dungeon in The Legend of Zelda is an experience I will never forget. I spent an entire week just finding the silver arrow. And I spent another two days finding Ganon. After I did, I raped that mother fucker like he was Pamela Anderson. And I enjoyed every fuckin' minute of his virtual 8-bit pain. After I was done shoving my sword up his ass, and he poofed into dust like Cartmen's balls, I walked forward into the room containing the flames and Zelda inside them, and I slashed every flame with a feeling that is equal only to the biggest orgasm you could possibly imagine.

And when that chore was done, I watched the end. (And note that the glitch where she does NOT use the name you entered appears both on the NES and ported GBA versions. If you're going to port a highly successful game and want it to be MORE successful, FIX THE FUCKIN' BUGS, YOU FUCKTARDS!!!)

Anyway, I watched the end. And, as I slowly realized that Link would in fact NOT be getting any from little Miss Trapped-By-An-Oversized-Pig, I turned off the NES and killed the homeless guy living under the bridge.


That is the recollection of my first experience with The Legend of Zelda. I love the game, I love the series, but I don't play it anymore unless I have about thirty hours of free-time, and no puppies are in the vacinity.

DODONGO DISLIKES SMOKE
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SoldierHawk
Moderator
Title: Warrior-Poet
Joined: Jan 15 2009
Location: San Diego, CA
PostPosted: Jul 22 2020 06:06 pm Reply with quote Back to top

What a glorious article. Thank you so much Drew.

It even contains the mistake that every goddamn person makes. ARMY. I WAS IN THE ARMY. HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A GOD DAMNED AIRMAN, JESUS CHRIST IT'S EVEN IN MY SIG! AND MY NAME! A SOLIDER IS NOT AN AIRMAN!1!!!!1!1!!

Just kidding (mostly). What a wonderful trip down memory lane that was. <3


militarysignatures.com

William Shakespeare wrote:
Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

 
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DarknessDeku
Title: Deku Scrub
Joined: Dec 08 2007
Location: Indiana
PostPosted: Jul 22 2020 11:02 pm Reply with quote Back to top

SoldierHawk wrote:
What a glorious article. Thank you so much Drew.

It even contains the mistake that every goddamn person makes. ARMY. I WAS IN THE ARMY. HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A GOD DAMNED AIRMAN, JESUS CHRIST IT'S EVEN IN MY SIG! AND MY NAME! A SOLIDER IS NOT AN AIRMAN!1!!!!1!1!!

Just kidding (mostly). What a wonderful trip down memory lane that was. <3


I skimmed this post earlier, and for some reason I thought he was calling you Airman from Mega Man II. I left feeling confused.


i'll_bite_your_ear wrote:
DarknessDeku is already assimilated by the bots.
He knows your algorithm.

 
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LeshLush
Joined: Oct 19 2009
Location: Nashville, TN
PostPosted: Jul 23 2020 10:08 am Reply with quote Back to top

SoldierHawk wrote:
What a glorious article. Thank you so much Drew.

It even contains the mistake that every goddamn person makes. ARMY. I WAS IN THE ARMY. HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A GOD DAMNED AIRMAN, JESUS CHRIST IT'S EVEN IN MY SIG! AND MY NAME! A SOLIDER IS NOT AN AIRMAN!1!!!!1!1!!

Just kidding (mostly). What a wonderful trip down memory lane that was. <3

Hahaha.
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