SydLexia.com - The Forums :: View topic - The Legend of Zelda--A Recollection (Rant?) by me.

Wizard Joined: Jun 12 2009 Posts: 4209

I'll fix the color, god...

But, concerning the second quest, I was smart and DIDN'T do it.

.. That is, until I acquired the emulator JNES. The built-in cheat function makes it SO much easier..

However, I don't count it when you cheat. That's why I never mentioned the second part.

Posted: Nov 21 2012 03:26 am

Good article. Welcome to the site.

Posted: Nov 21 2012 03:36 am

I miss uberzeldamaster.wordpress.com. Sad

Posted: Nov 21 2012 03:48 am

uberzeldamaster.com is available for sale

Wizard Joined: Jun 12 2009 Posts: 4209

Good lord, why did you people drag this shit post up? This is like looking at a nightmare.

Posted: Nov 21 2012 10:43 pm

Hmm, interesting.

Joined: Oct 19 2009 Location: Nashville, TN Posts: 1479

Drew, you edited it. How will posterity know that the shield "isn't even capable of blocking a cum shot from the worlds tiniest balls?"

EDIT:

I'm sorry, but I found it and I can't let this die. Think of our children's children's children.

DrewLinky wrote:

I'm new to this forum, so excuse me if I come off as a bad writer. Oh, wait, you won't have to excuse me, because I'll tell you to fuck off if you say bad things about this article.

Oh, and I don't want anyone telling me I'm a hater, so here's my disclaimer: I LOVE The Legend of Zelda. It is practically my life. Hell, I learned to READ from playing it. So I don't hate it. Or, maybe I do. There's no way you could possibly know.

That said, I'm going to begin my ran--recollection of The Legend of Zelda, one of the best (and most infuriating) games of all time.

I'm going to begin at... you guessed it, the beginning.

RANDOM FACT: After I beat this game for the first time, I went back to the title screen and sat for a few minutes, looking at the title (duh). Then I noticed that the sword sticking into the bottom of the Triforce Piece is not the straight-sword Zelda fans are oh-so familiar with. It is in fact a fencing-sword, like the French (or whoever) use. What the fuck is that for?

Anyway, once you put in your name (which is never used, by the way), you get dumped in the middle of an area you know nothing about. You have no map, no weapons, no methods of defense (no, I don't count that little piece of shit they call a shield. You couldn't block a cumshot from the tiniest balls in the universe with that), and worst of all, no instructions on what to do (that is, if you're like me and don't wait around for secret shit to happen on the title screen).

Now, I, being the young explorer I was, decided NOT to go into the cave. Instead, I would wander around the map until I was killed by the stray octoroc or moblin. After about three times of this, I actually screamed in anger at the television and didn't play until the next week.

When I resumed playing, I decided to go into the cave. After I recieved the sword, I crept into bed and cried for the next hour or so. Then, I finally picked up the controller and started off again, this time killing each and every enemy I found with fervor and animosity roughly equivalent to a dragon setting fire to a village while he has a big, fat stick up his ass.

Anyhow, I magically ended up at the fourth dungeon first. And I didn't look to see which dungeon it was because I didn't care. That is, I didn't care until about the fourteenth time I died. After that, I looked around to see what I was doing wrong, and saw, 'Dungeon 4'.

I threw the controller down (and broke it, I might add), and killed a puppy or two. The next day, when I restarted, I found that bridge to the dungeon-in-a-stump and praised Allah that I had found the first dungeon.

After much killing of those annoying bats, I found my way to both the boomerang and the bow (you know, in terms of number of uses, I consider the boomerang more useful then the bow. Not to mention that the bow is a bitch to use when you're low on rupees).

Now, after I defeated the boss (I learned a long time later that he's called Aquamentis, even though he has NOTHING TO DO WITH WATER WHATSO-FUCKIN' EVER. Remind you of something, Syd?), I felt proud of myself. I beat the first dungeon of an epic game.

Then I learned that there were more. I felt overwhelmed. But, I pressed on. I found the second dungeon, and after I killed another puppy beat that too. I continued in this manner (not necessarily the puppy thing... oh, who am I kidding? The world is at least thirty puppies less) until I was at Ganon's lair.

Now, the final dungeon in The Legend of Zelda is an experience I will never forget. I spent an entire week just finding the silver arrow. And I spent another two days finding Ganon. After I did, I raped that mother fucker like he was Pamela Anderson. And I enjoyed every fuckin' minute of his virtual 8-bit pain. After I was done shoving my sword up his ass, and he poofed into dust like Cartmen's balls, I walked forward into the room containing the flames and Zelda inside them, and I slashed every flame with a feeling that is equal only to the biggest orgasm you could possibly imagine.

And when that chore was done, I watched the end. (And note that the glitch where she does NOT use the name you entered appears both on the NES and ported GBA versions. If you're going to port a highly successful game and want it to be MORE successful, FIX THE FUCKIN' BUGS, YOU FUCKTARDS!!!)

Anyway, I watched the end. And, as I slowly realized that Link would in fact NOT be getting any from little Miss Trapped-By-An-Oversized-Pig, I turned off the NES and killed the homeless guy living under the bridge.

That is the recollection of my first experience with The Legend of Zelda. I love the game, I love the series, but I don't play it anymore unless I have about thirty hours of free-time, and no puppies are in the vacinity.

DODONGO DISLIKES SMOKE

Wizard Joined: Jun 12 2009 Posts: 4209

I'm begging you to get rid of that. Just looking at it makes me sick.

Posted: Nov 22 2012 11:34 am

Drew Linky wrote:

I'm begging you to get rid of that. Just looking at it makes me sick.

I like your article. No need to be embarrassed.

Posted: Nov 22 2012 12:11 pm

Good work, Lesh. I want to rape you like you were Pamela Anderson.

Posted: Nov 22 2012 12:24 pm

On this day of thanks, I'm thankful that Lesh preservered this important part of forum history.

Posted: Nov 22 2012 12:53 pm

Drew Linky wrote:

I'm begging you to get rid of that. Just looking at it makes me sick.

I also have that piece of history saved. It will never be gone now. I might actually print it out and post it in a local Gamestop.

On the plus side, your real name isn't attached to it. You could always just change your online identity if you really want to remove yourself from a few words you wrote in your earlier years. It's something I have had to do because I wrote some things that were far more terrible than that, lol.

Wizard Joined: Jun 12 2009 Posts: 4209

I guess I'm still afraid of the kind of reputation it can give me. But you're right, I shouldn't be so worked up about it.

Posted: Nov 23 2012 03:12 am

I was wondering about your experience with Zelda in the last 3 years since you wrote that. Were you ever able to legitimately beat the second quest without going too crazy?

Wizard Joined: Jun 12 2009 Posts: 4209

slapolakinkaido wrote:

I was wondering about your experience with Zelda in the last 3 years since you wrote that. Were you ever able to legitimately beat the second quest without going too crazy?

Sadly, no. I've only tried the second quest a few times after writing this, but each time I would find reasons to stop and do something else. I guess one of these days I need to sit down and play it without letting myself get distracted (should be easier now that I own an NES and the actual cartridge again).

Since you guys felt it was necessary to pull this from the Abyss of Dead Posts, I guess I'll describe my adventure once I actually do that. I've already got a save file that's cleared the first quest anyway.

Posted: Nov 23 2012 10:54 am

Glorious!

Posted: Nov 23 2012 03:33 pm

Drew Linky wrote:

slapolakinkaido wrote:

I was wondering about your experience with Zelda in the last 3 years since you wrote that. Were you ever able to legitimately beat the second quest without going too crazy?

Sadly, no. I've only tried the second quest a few times after writing this, but each time I would find reasons to stop and do something else. I guess one of these days I need to sit down and play it without letting myself get distracted (should be easier now that I own an NES and the actual cartridge again).

Since you guys felt it was necessary to pull this from the Abyss of Dead Posts, I guess I'll describe my adventure once I actually do that. I've already got a save file that's cleared the first quest anyway.

I was a huge fan of the original game myself. I was going to recommend Zelda :Outlands, but maybe I won't. It's a ROM hack of the original game but it's probably 5 times harder. I loved it myself, but only attempt it if you're prepared for a challenge.

Wizard Joined: Jun 12 2009 Posts: 4209

slapolakinkaido wrote:

Drew Linky wrote:

slapolakinkaido wrote:

I was wondering about your experience with Zelda in the last 3 years since you wrote that. Were you ever able to legitimately beat the second quest without going too crazy?

Sadly, no. I've only tried the second quest a few times after writing this, but each time I would find reasons to stop and do something else. I guess one of these days I need to sit down and play it without letting myself get distracted (should be easier now that I own an NES and the actual cartridge again).

Since you guys felt it was necessary to pull this from the Abyss of Dead Posts, I guess I'll describe my adventure once I actually do that. I've already got a save file that's cleared the first quest anyway.

I was a huge fan of the original game myself. I was going to recommend Zelda :Outlands, but maybe I won't. It's a ROM hack of the original game but it's probably 5 times harder. I loved it myself, but only attempt it if you're prepared for a challenge.

Well, considering it's been quite some time since I tried playing the second quest at all, maybe I'll find the difficulty isn't so bad for me anymore. If that's the case, I'll do a playthrough of Zelda: Outlands instead.