Good evening, Sydlexia forum members. I have a special treat for you. I bring you a classic tale of love and redemption for your enjoyment. So please, have a seat and hear my story. I present to you:
Our tale begins in a small town on Forum Battle Eve.
Klimb Cratshit was working late with his boss, Ebenezer Sidewaydriver. They had been working all day and Klimb was eager to get home to his family and celebrate Forum Battle Eve. Just to be a dick, Sidewaydriver decided to yell at Klimb. "Damn it, Klimb. Work faster. You suck at your job!"
"But sir! It's Forum Battle Eve!" Klimb said nervously. "Might it be too much to ask that I leave a little early tonight so that I may spend time with my family?"
The thought of such a request enraged Sidewaydriver. "Forum Battle Eve? Bah Humbug! How dare you, you lowly worm. I hire you at minimum wage and this is the thanks I get? Be gone with you! Filthy wretch, you are fired! Out of my sight!"
Sulking, Klimb Cratshit grabbed his hat and went out the door. With a cloud of shame hanging over his head, he pondered how he would break the terrible news to his family.
Later that night, Sidewaydriver sat down to watch My Little Pony when all the sudden his power went out. In the dark, he heard the rattling of chains draw ever closer to him.
Suddenly Sidewaydriver was confronted by the ghost of his old partner, FNJ. "Eghad!" yelled Sidewaydriver. "Do my eyes deceive me? It is my old partner, FNJ, returned to haunt me!"
"Simmer down." said FNJ. "I come with a warning for you to heed. Unless you change your awful ways, you will be visited by three ghosts tonight. You have been warned! WOOOooooOOOOOooooooooo...." Then FNJ drifted away and disappeared. The power came back on and Sidewaydriver looked around. There was nothing.
"It must have been a dream. I really need to stop drinking Robitussin." said Sidewaydriver.
Suddenly another ghost popped up in front of him and Sidewaydriver was all like, "lolwtf?"
"Greetings, Sidewaydriver. I am the Ghost of Forum Battles Past. I'm here to show you what you were like in past Forum Battles."
"What about them?" asked Sidewaydriver.
"Well, remember last year? You made it to the top 4, that was pretty good."
"Well what's that got to do with anything?"
"I don't know, it was pretty cool."
"Are you going to show me anything?"
"Well I was kind of busy early and I didn't get a chance to prepare anything."
"Way to drop the ball, you Douche. Just like you did with the Kirby Derby."
"You know what? I don't need your shit. Fuck you, I'm out of here."
And with that, the Ghost of Forum Battles Past was gone. "What nonsense is this? Leave me be, you troublesome ghosts."
As soon as Sidewaydriver said that, another ghost showed up. "Hey, I'm the Ghost of Forum Battles Present. I'm here to show you what is happening right now on this Forum Battle Eve."
"Do we really have to?" Asked Sidewaydriver.
"Quite bitching. If you weren't such a prick, we wouldn't be doing this."
The ghost wisked Sidewaydriver away and next thing he knew, he was at Klimb's house.
Sidewaydriver watch Klimb and his family of illegitimate children celebrate Forum Battle Eve. "Who needs that job anyway?" Said Klimb as he raised a glass. "As long as I have the love of my family, we'll get by. That and my unemployment checks!"
"That Ebenezer Sidewaydriver is a real rotten sack of shit, dad!" Exclaimed Tiny Josh.
"Now, now. Mr. Sidewaydriver has given me years of employment so that I may barely keep you little bastards alive. We must not forget him in this night of celebration. Here's to Sidewaydriver! May his ass be raped by Satan's thorny cock in hell!"
"Hooray!" Yelled the bastard childen.
"See that?" Asked the ghost. "They hate your guts, man. Why you gotta be a dick all the time?"
"Whatever, are we done yet?"
"Yeah sure, be that way. I'd rather go play Pokemon anyway. Good bye and fuck you."
Sidewaydriver reappeared back at his house. "Such annoyances. I wish to be at peace!" Sidewaydriver turned the TV on when suddenly the third ghost came in. "For fucksake, I thought I made it clear that I didn't care."
"It is I, the Ghost of Forum Battles Future!" Said the ghost. "I am here to show you what forum battles will be like if you do not change your ways!"
Like the last ghost, this one whisked Sidewaydriver away. They found themselves in a snowwy cemetary. The ghost led Sidewaydriver to a tombstone and pointed at it. Sidewaydriver wiped the snow off to reveal that this grave was his.
"OMG!" Said Sidewaydriver. "Am I dead? How did this happen? How can I escape this fate?"
"Well you're not dead exactly, but you were banned!" the ghost replied. "The tombstone is just for dramatic effect."
"Curse you ghost, I do not wish to end up this way."
"Then you must change your ways."
"I will, I promise you! Trouble me no more, I am a changed man!"
The ghost shoved Sidewaydriver into the grave. Sidewaydriver fell and fell into the blackness, the grave neverending. Suddenly Sidewaydriver awake in his chair to find an infomercial playing on TV.
"I'm back! The ghosts have spared me! Hooray!" Sidewaydriver jumped up and stuck his head out the window. He saw a boy walking down the street.
"Young man, what is today?"
"Why, tis the day of the Forum Battle it is!" Said the boy.
"It's a miracle! I haven't missed it!"
Sidewaydriver ran out of the house to Klimb's house. They were in the middle of a meager Forum Battle breakfast when Sidewaydriver burst through the door with gifts. "Happy Forum Battle, everyone!" Yelled Sidewaydriver. "I was just kidding about yesterday, Klimb. I want you back to work Monday with a full raise!"
"Truely this is a Forum Battle miracle!" Said Klimb.
"God bless us, everyone one!" Tiny Josh exclaimed.
Everyone got uncomfortably silent after that. "Ok, that was a little too gay." Klimb said.
"My bad." said Josh.
"Whatever, let's get hammered!" Yelled Sidewaydriver.
So they partied and celebrated into the night. Everyone had fun and passed out drunk.
However, this all just turned out to be an elaborate trick to get Klimb wasted so Sidewaydriver could bang his wife. It turns out he was not a changed man at all.
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Klimb came back to work Monday and was fired again.
THE END
