http://www.break.com/index/earl_weaver_tirade.html

Un. Fucking. Believable.

Focus

What are the best tirades you have ever heard, either in real life, or on television/the Internet?

Damn it, who moved this? The thread was meant to be partially devoted to Internet videos, true, but it could include real life stories as well. (And I was really hoping to hear some funny ones)

Besides, a focused thread isn't meant to be a link dump, like the rest of this forum.

Focus

That audio recording of Bobby Knight is nothing. I've heard college basketball coaches in real life go off on their players ten times worse than that. Furthemore, they have nothing on football or baseball coaches, who tend to be a million times angrier and more caustic.

Seriously, there's nothing like hearing a D3 (read: small-time) college basketball coach berating a bench player to the extent that you feel genuinely sorry for the guy.

Here's a classic collection of Knight clips (my favorite is number 2, "Game Face");

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ukj6Qi5W_k

S. McCracken wrote:

Tirades aren't impressive or relevant unless you can hear or see them. I could tell you "Man, I remember this one time some guy yelled and screamed at some other guys.

I completely disagree with you. A good writer, using the right combination of description and concrete action, can make any event come to life, especially a tirade.

Here's an example of a tirade adequately described by words (not mine);



There is a crazy, surly, old man who goes to this bar "Andy's Place" every Sunday at around noon. "Andy's" is by far the best place in the city of Albany (I know, that's not saying much) to watch a football game. There are 20 or so TV's, every game is on, 10-cent wings, and the place gets pretty packed with rowdy guys by around 1 pm.

The first Sunday of this season, a law school buddy and I went to "Andy's" and happened to be sitting next to this crazy, probably
65-year old guy with a glass of white wine in front of him. This man is the type of guy you immediately recognize as psychologically unstable. He was mumbling to himself, cursing under his breath, looking around in disdain, getting up every 5 minutes to go outside and take a drag of a cigarette then running back inside to make sure no one had stolen his seat, and just generally acting like a loon.

Sure enough, Week 2 rolls around and the guy is there again in the same spot. At one point one of the guys on my fantasy team did something good and I started clapping. This old guy turns to me and absolutely snarls some incoherent vulgarity at me. I look at him and say "What?". He responds "YOU ARE RUINING MY WINE SUNDAYS!" I respond "Maybe you should find somewhere OTHER THAN A SPORTS BAR DURING THE FOOTBALL SEASON TO HAVE YOUR WINE SUNDAY?!?!" He looks at me like he is deciding what to stab me with. I am now officially this guy's nemesis.

Over the next several weeks, we have several run-ins. At one point he screams at me for leaving an empty pitcher in his "space". Another time he made 'boogie-boogie' arms at me when he walked past me on his way back from the bathroom. He has made it his mission to just generally antagonize me over the course of the entire NFL season.

This all came to a head when the Giants played the Vikings 3 weeks ago. At halftime, with the Giants out gaining the Vikes 224 - 6 in total yards and yet somehow losing 7-6 I was teetering on the edge of hostility. I said to a friend "If the Giants don't stop the Vikes on this first possession and then drive down for a score to take the lead - I'm switching to whiskey and it isn't going to be pretty."

The Vikings returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown. I proceed to sit in the corner ALONE and get angry drunk on Jack Daniels and ginger by myself. Through my rapidly developing whiskey haze I watch the Giants drive down the field for a touchdown with 48 seconds left. Then they convert the 2-point conversion to TIE! This can't be happening! They are going to go to overtime!

The Vikings promptly drive down the field in 40 seconds to get into field goal range. When Paul Edinger hits the field-goal to win - it is more than my heart can take. I am a broken man. I walk over to the table full of my friends in total depression. I order a final jack 'n ginger and ask the (new, idiot, female) bartender to run my tab. About 10 minutes goes by. I look for my tab - she hasn't run it yet. I ask again - more firmly this time - for her to run my tab again. 10 minutes goes by - I have almost finished my drink - when I look for my tab again. SHE STILL HASN'T RUN IT. This pushes me over the edge. My depression has rapidly shifted to rage. I pound what remains of my drink and slam it down into two other pint glasses stacked on each other on my table - loudly smashing the one on the inside. Immediately after I do this I turn around to find my old buddy, crazy-old asshole, staring at me. He LITERALLY puts his arms out, and gives the "What - you wanna fight?" face to me. I turn back to the table as my blood-pressure goes through the roof and I try to convince myself I can't kick the shit out of a 65-year old loon.

I turn back to the bar and notice that the old-guy has gone out for a smoke. I promptly grab a 2/3 full beer, run over to his chair before my friends can stop me, and dump the contents of the beer into the pocket of his coat that is hanging on the back of his chair.

I walk down the bar to the bartender and, now clearly angry, say "WHERE IS MY FUCKING TAB?!?". She says "What about the glass you broke?". I look at her innocently and say "What?". She responds "You broke a pint glass, and you just spilled alcohol on that patron's coat. I saw the whole thing." I look at her incredulously and say "SO?!" She explains "Well, I wouldn't want Andy to have to throw you out." (Andy used to be my bookie). I tell her "I know Andy - and I come her every Sunday and run a substantial tab. Normally there is a pretty big tip attached to it, so why don't you do yourself a favor and RUN MY FUCKING TAB BEFORE I DO ANYMORE DAMAGE."

She hurries away and runs my card. I scrawl 'WAKE UP' in the tip line on the $90 slip and scurry out of the bar. On my way out I pass the crazy, old bastard on his way back from his smoke and I start giggling like a nitrous addict. As I got into my friend's car down the street I saw the old guy run out of the front door of the bar and look back and forth frantically. I couldn't even contain myself. It made what was otherwise an awful Sunday of football completely worth it.

That's a decent story lordsathien, and EXACTLY the type of response I was aiming for with my focus. (And also why I think this topic deserves to be in General Discussion)

To be fair though, that dude was a poser redneck. A real redneck either wouldn't bring his kids, or would have snapped a cue stick across the narrator's head a few minutes later.

Not to mention that it wasn't really a "bar", since no bars allow anyone under the age of 18/21 to enter.

Delition wrote:

I'm not sure if it is the same anywhere else, but that's how it is around here. Actually, there aren't just "a few" bars around here that do that. I think it's closer to half. Oh well. Just my worthless input.

Interesting. What city do you live in? Personally, I alternate between San Jose and right outside LA, so my experience comes from there.

Focus-

I've witnessed some really great blow-ups in an unlikely setting...chess games.

I've been playing in tournaments since I was little, and was one of the top players in the country for my age and a California state champion as a teen.

Now, one meets a lot of weird, psychotic motherfuckers in chess tournament anyways, regardless of how polite and gentile one tries to be.

Of course, if you're an asshole, disrespectful little shit who enjoys needling his opponents in juvenile fashion, like slamming clocks after a "strong move", pounding pieces on the board, staring into the opponent's eyes, and smugly informing that they have only one legal move, you're bound to infuriate a lot more people.

You know, like myself between the ages of 11 and 13.

Let me tell you, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, like seeing a worn-out, diabetic old man who's typically as lively as a corpse and has the vivacious personality of a rock get angry.

To see that same man, who you didn't think was capable of speech, have the blood flow to his cheeks, get up from his chair in a rage, and scream

"BULLSHIT!!! MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT!!! THAT THERE IS SOME MOTHERFUCKING, DIRTY BULLLSHIIIIIIIITTTT!!!!"

across the entire playing hall, followed by storming out, making sure to slam the door behind him with all the force his feeble muscles can muster.

Of course, that doesn't even make the top 10 blowouts I've seen NOT involving me, some occuring between individuals that make mental patients look sane, but that's a story for another day.

This thread is getting a decent number of responses now, which was the main thing I was concerned about. I just hoped people wouldn't gloss over this topic because it was in this particular forum. (Which doesn't seem to be the case)

I love video humor a lot, but since most members here seem fairly literate, there's possibly a treasure trove of great stories too, which I also enjoy.

Focus-

Football coaches are the best;

http://media.odeo.com/7/7/5/0207hawkins.mp3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35rsehCF-0Y

Or maybe baseball is even better?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kamDqL-AGzI

Gentlemen, I can do this allll day....

Delition wrote:

CoS, I happen to live in Oshkosh, Wisconsin...a place with bars on every corner and one about a block away from an elementary school (which I thought was illegal...maybe I'm wrong).

Forgive my ignorance, but that location means nothing to me. Is it close to any University of Wisconsin campuses? How far away from Madison and/or Milwaukee? Are there breweries in the city itself? Right now, I don't know whether that's a God-forsaken small town, or a crazy place filled with angry drunks and flashing college girls.

Enlighten my largely Cali-bred posterior, here.

Quote:

As for crappy responses to mediocre things, one of the people I live with constantly swears while playing World of Warcraft (a game I can't stand, personally). Every time he dies, he lets out a stream of words. I would say that he tries to form a sentence...but if you were to remove the swear words, including words associated with swear words, you would be left with a few "the"'s, and maybe an "and". It's especially annoying when he's playing in the A.M. and I have class around 8:00.

I'm really oversaturating this thread with responses now, but I couldn't let this one go by;

My roommate K had an interesting roommate last year, called J.

J is exceptionally brilliant. I knew him back in high school, where he was one of the smartest kids in the Bay Area. He attends the same college as myself, one of the best in the world, on a scholarship, impresses his world-class professors with his intelligence, and has an offer from Goldman Sachs upon graduation.

He's also an angry, dysfunctional lunatic. He's spent time in mental asylums. He has a vast collection of sharp knives and swords hanging on the walls of his room. He used to go on angry, uncontrollable tirades in high school about anything and everything to the point of nervous breakdown.

He also plays online MMORPGs. With audio and headset. In a guild.

Every night, at 3 am, my roommate would get woken up by;

"You MOTHERFUCKING CUMBUBBLE!! Who birthed that sorry, brain retarded ass you call your head? How the fuck do you avoid soiling yourself on a daily basis, you piece of shit moron?! Does your mommy have to clean you up???"

Needless to say, my roommate didn't appreciate these nightly meetings of the minds.

lordsathien is quickly becoming one of my favorite posters here. The notable lack of an animated signature doesn't hurt either.

One more sports classic;

http://media.odeo.com/7/7/5/0207hawkins.mp3