Time for redemption, motherfuckers!

So basically, I always saw in top 10s or 100s or what-have-yous that Contra III is a fucking awesome game. Seeing as I beat the original Contra and am bored, I decided to give this guy a try.


Ten seconds in and I already knocked out some dude and totaled a car. The street fighter gang would be so proud...


SHIT FUCKING YEAH, time for some classic badassery with the good old Shotgun. Oh, that reminds me, has the main weapon always been a machine gun? I can't for the life of me remember if it was like this in the original Contra... Mooooving on I get killed by a fucking dog!

Seriously that was a douchebag move ;_;. I even waited and the motherfucker stays there, eating on a trash can. It waits, until you're past enough that you're defenseless and barraged by enemy fire, and then you experience rectal rabies as he violates you. He doesn't even wipe his mouth full of trash before going for your anus. That's not proper ettiquete, what the fuck were you thinking Konami?

Moving on, I find a motherfucking tank and proceed to blow the shit out of everyone! Until some douche ruins it all with his grenades. What an ass.
After an encounter with generic goblin tank dude I find myself on a cracked floor and a copetr comes out of fucking nowhere and blast the fucking floor, incinerating me on the process. What the shit, I thought I was fighting aliens, why would a copter come after me. Copters are not natural predators of Contras.
A couple of game over laters and I'm finally back in this section, helicopter, floor exploding, and I find some hang rails whic-GOD FUCKING DAMN



I swear to god, I lost dozens of lives on that stupid fireball shit. I mean, christ, I thought those things were just some weird prticle effect.



After countless replays and getting good at this game, I found that the boss of this stage is a retarded turtle, which ALWAYS manages to take at least one of my lives:


That pattern is unavoidable, and you're fucked if you stay there. Moving forwards to change the projectile angle does nothing, and only results in misery.

Kill that bastard, explosions, score screen, SELECT YOUR STARTING POINT...
Wait what? What is going on... I don't-... What did you do...
what did you do!?
TOP SHOOTER OUT OF NOWHERE!
Level 2 is all like this, some unremarkable top shooting, a six legged freak for a boss (a quite cool boss battle) and then... that bullshit Level 3.

Since I started playing, two days ago (school and such got on the way), I hadn't found anything as asshole as Level 3. You get the flame thrower at the beginning, which is definitely a compensation for the horror to come. Hang railing sections? check! Jump and witness in horror as you plummet because you were holding down-right to shoot those alien bugs? Check! A completely asshole (but kinda cool) midboss? Check! Thank god this level is not underwater. Anyways, the midboss took me about 10 continues to finally realize how to, and effectively, kill it. The actual boss took me less... like 6 or so... IT WOULD SURELY HAVE HELPED TO KNOW THAT THE WALLS WERE FUCKING CLIMBABLE.
Even with my newly imparted knowledge on the vast and varied world of walls that can be climbed, that jumping robot managed to kill me every time. I thought that maybe the roof was climbable too! So I jumped to it from the wall, fell to a robot, and game overed. Well, that's a lesson learned! Maybe I'm doing something wrong and not avaoiding the boss correctly.
3 countinues later and while climbing a wall, and attempting to aim for the guy, I cling to the ceiling...

...

YOU MOTHERFUCKER...

Anyways, 2 continues later and I get those guys down, oh hell yes, I guess it's time for Level 4!

Haha fuck no, some robot appears from the background and tries to obliterate me. (Mind you, he achieved that with stars in his report card) Some 3 continues later and that guy is done with!

After that, Level 4, which I'm still in the process of trying to beat.
So far, this is the most HOLY SHIT AWESOME so far. Bike chases, flying dudes, tank battles, clinging to missiles while fighting a jetpacked ninja and fighting a giant flying thing holy balls. I still have to beat that flying ship in the part you jump from missile to missile.

Well, here's to a bright future in the world of contraing! Any tips to take down this asshole? I can't down the lower turret, because I can't aim for it (If I wanted to hit it, I'd have to aim diagonally down too close to the laser barrier the ship has... wat do)

Oh, another thing, I'm really disappointed with the music so far. The first level exemplifies all I disliked from the 16 bit era, music wise. Some dull shit with boring instruments. I always hum Contra's music while playing the first level. This stuff is not very memorable, but it suits the mood, I guess?

SHIT YES, I finally got that motherfucker! On to level 5, bitches! (And I have to leave for piano lessons... Should I savestate?) I think I'm going to leave the window open and act as if I left the SNES on.

So yeah, I randomly discovered the dual wielding thing during my first playthrough and felt the EXACT same way as Zephyr. Wait, what, I hadn't thought about dual flamethrowers, and the mere concept is making me ecstatic.
Level 5 and those sliding sand things seem dangerous... What the shit? Those whirlwinds don't kill you... I avoided them for shit?

Anyways, the boss here is annoying, and I got killed... 1 continue left!

Beat that motherfucker with 0 lives left, though with 2 continues.
Heading on to Level 6!
OH GOD WHAT IS THIS PLACE
In the background I can see human jaws and such oh why humanity whyyyyy
Also, Laser is BOSS in overhead levels, but it's pathetic in sidescroller ones.
Flamethrower is awesome both in overhead and sidescroller.

And I think I'm in love again:


A flaming wheel of pure HOLY SHIT.
Unfortunately, that C weapon is the best, when it comes to damage. It leaves a little explosion behind, and it's real handy, except when you're being mobbed by lots of enemies. Bosses die like flies with it.