Alright, as some of you may know, I got robbed at gunpoint at work the other night. This got me thinking about things. So I'm at the library, and I see they have a copy of Twilight, and I think to myself, 'I wonder what's worse?'

So I took it out. My initial intentions was to write a full-on review about the movie and state what I would rather do again, get held up or watch it. But frankly, the movie doesn't deserve it.

So here's my thoughts on Twilight:

* This is not the worst movie I've ever seen (that distinction goes to The Love Guru). This is however, the worst casting of a male and female lead ever. How are these two in acting? It's like they hired two cardboards boxes who are trying so hard to pretend their human, that they overact everything, but do a really shitty job. Robert Pattinson is like Keanu Reeves, but the opposite. He has one emotion: constipated. Kristen Stewart's only emotion is clueless.

* I did not expect Oscar-worthy dialogue. I am aware that this is a teen movie based on a novel whose literary merits regularly come into question. And really, the dialogue was fine. But I feel the need to repeat my favorite exchange in the movie:

Vampire Boy: I can read everyone's mind in here, except yours.
*points to individuals, saying things they are thinking about, mostly money and sex*
Vampire Boy: But when I read your mind, there's nothing.
Stupid Chick: Is there something wrong with me?
Vampire Boy: Yeah. You're an idiot. And really self-absorbed apparently.

* The dude is creepy as shit. And she likes it! Now, in my naive middle/high school days, I used to have trouble getting the hint when a girl didn't like me. So this would lead to me calling her until she gave me a straight answer as to what our plans, if any, for the weekend are. I find this to be fine, but I've been called creepy for it. Thanks to Twilight, I know now that I wasn't creepy enough. Clearly I should've snuck into their rooms while they were sleeping and told them how much I enjoyed watching them sleep. THEN I would've won their hearts.

So I dunno, these are just some thoughts I gathered from the film, as I feel asleep in the middle and the fact that the movie's promise of fire and dismemberment turned out to be a cocktease really pissed me off. I did learn a few things from Twilight however. Among them:
* Ashley Greene is really hot.
* Every female ever needs to where baseball slacks. All the time.
* The plight of the Native American is as prominent today as ever before. In one of the film's last scenes, long-hair kid (the only character I liked) talks to Stupid Chick and when Blockhead shows up, there's tension. Now, I'm aware of the film's whole "Vampires vs. Werewolves" storyline, and that this is foreshadowing for the second film. Unless it was established that long-hair kid is a werewolf in this film. I dunno, I fell asleep for at least half an hour. Anyway, Blockhead says to stupid chick, 'I leave you alone for two minutes and the wolves descend on you'. Now, obviously he knows that long hair kid is a werewolf, but stupid chick doesn't, and she laughs. Racist bitch.

So, would I rather watch Twilight, or have a guy (who incidentally enough, was Native) point a shotgun in my face again? Well, the robbery took 20 seconds of my life not two hours, but I didn't get a nap in the middle of it. But saying I watched Twilight makes me less of a badass.


In short, I think every fan of Twilight should get robbed at gun point, so they can learn that there are better ways to spend your time.

Yeah, I bought that issue last night. Good shit.

And I slept through the part where he admits he's 100 years old, so that doesn't matter to me.

I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!