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Posted: Nov 17 2009 01:27 am

I was going to post this on the 13th in Honor of Friday the 13th, but my browser took a shit and I had to re write the whole damn thing. Thanks a lot Firefox!

Friday the 13th is a day the superstitious hold dear, a day of bad luck and doom. Since I think that's a bunch of rubbish I'm instead going to discuss my favorite horror franchise, Friday the 13th!

I love this series, because it tried so hard to be scary and it failed so spectacularly. There's absolutely nothing scary about these movies, and as an added bonus they never make any fucking sense! Here's my quick review of the entire series 1 through 10. Freddie VS Jason and the recent remake / reboot do not count, although I may poke fun at them on a later date.

Friday the 13th is the first film, and tells the story of a crazed old woman slaughtering camp counselors. She is doing this because her son Jason, a freakishly deformed retard, drowned because counselors at the camp were to busy bumping uglies to watch him. The film doesn't clue you in to the fact that Mrs. Voorhees is the killer until the very end, all the kills are filmed from the perspective of the killer. The stupid thing is that all the shots where you see the killer's arms show very hairy, obviously manly arms and hands. So when Mrs. Voorhees is revealed to be the killer it makes no damn sense. Even in the end where she is decapitated by the lone surviving counselor and her headless torso claws at the sky in pain, THE ARMS ARE HAIRY MAN ARMS! The other thing that makes no sense is the fact that none of the counselors try to defend themselves. Lemme ask you a question. If a frail old woman came at you with a kitchen knife what would you do? Cry and scream like a sissy? Or wreck her shit with an elbow to the face? That's what I thought. The last part that makes no damn sense is the end, where Jason is revealed to be alive the whole time, rendering his mother's attempt at revenge chronologically confusing. If he was alive why did he hide in the woods the whole time? What the hell? I like to think of this one as "FRIDAY THE 13TH: No One Drowned, Pointless Revenge"

"I swim pretty well for someone who supposedly drowned!"

Friday the 13th Part II jumps ahead to the future where Jason is all growed up after living in the woods eating squirrels and wiping his ass with pine cones or whatever. He's all pissed off over his mother being decapitated, even though he didn't seem to like her enough to stop hiding in the woods after he didn't actually drown, whatever. He's stolen a pair of overalls, and covered his deformed face with a potato sack with one eye hole in it. Because of that I like to call this movie "Friday the 13th part II: The Revenge Of Sack Head". This movie is silly, Jason only has one eye to see through due to his poor choice in face covering, so he should have terrible depth perception and be really ineffective in his attempts to maim and kill. Unfortunately logic has no place in these films, and he wantonly slays every counselor in the camp despite his self imposed visual impairment. Plus, Jason kills a guy in a wheelchair in this film, what a jerk.

Shit your pants in terror, here comes SACK HEAD!

Friday the 13th Part III is where the series takes off and gets interesting (although no less retarded). After stabbing a grocery store owner to death with knitting needles of all things, he proceeds to hide in a barn for three fourths of the film. I like to think of this film as "PART III: Stay Out Of The Barn You Idiots". This is also the first time he gets a hockey mask. There's also some super cheesy stereotypical punk / biker gang members in this one, along with the typical idiot teenagers. Along with introducing the hockey mask the film introduces another long running gimmick in the franchise, the hockey mask (and Jason's ugly mug beneath it) sustaining more and more damage each film as his victims fight him off. For this film he gets an axe to the head. After presuming Jason is dead the lone survivor tries to escape in a damn canoe on the river (I would have taken a car but whatever), and sees Jason unmasked and chasing after her with the creepiest grin I've ever seen in any movie EVER. Since he is supposed to have died for the next movie to make any sense this last scene was explained as a hallucination, and the survivor is carted off to the loony bin, which will be a common theme for anyone that lives through the films.

"You have a purdy mouth, gimme a kiss!"

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter was poorly named, because it wasn't even close to the final film. In this outing Jason comes back to life after the coroner and a nurse start making out near his corpse (WTF?). Since Jason absolutely detests anyone getting freaky he slays them both. Then he makes his way back to the lake area. Now I'm not sure what the deal is, but after coming back to life Jason is a lot stronger, and his hatred of nookie has also seemed to increase as well. In previous installments he would off anyone having sex, in this film he kills anyone doing anything remotely suggestive of it. Case in point, one dude gets stabbed in the head while watching 1920s vintage porno, whilst another victim is killed while she eats a banana, which must have been far to suggestive of fellatio for Jason's puritanical tastes. The only other thing about this movie is that the survivor who defeats Jason in the end is not a girl, but instead a little boy named Tommy Jarvis. Tommy keeps the tradition of wrecking Jason's face alive via machete at the end of this film. You may recognize young Tommy as television's Corey Feldman. After he defeats Jason young Tommy is carted off to the loony bin like all the other survivors. I don't have a funny alternate title to this one..., Maybe "Part IV: Jason Gets His Ass Kicked By A Snot Nosed Punk".

"Shit, I just got OWNED by a fucking eight year old..."

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning should be called "Friday the 13th: Jason Takes a Fucking Vacation", because He isn't even in this one. Instead we are treated to a halfway house for crazy teens, and one mean crazy teen kills some fat stupid teen. The fat stupid one's father turns out to be the ambulance driver that shows up at the scene, and goes bat shit insane after seeing his son (who I'd like to point out he abandoned to a halfway house) brutally hacked to death. He them goes on a rampage disguised as Jason to avenge his son, but fails stupendously when you realize he kills everyone who had absolutely nothing to do with it, and leaves his son's murderer alive. I know he couldn't get to the murderer cause he was in jail but still it doesn't really make any sense. The other part that makes no sense is that the imposter Jason is a normal guy as opposed to an undead monster, so he should be vulnerable to damage right? WRONG, he gets hit by a fucking bulldozer at full speed and shrugs it off like it aint no thang. Hockey masks must imbue their wearers with god like powers or something. Anywho, the surviving teens push him out of a barn loft onto some sharp pointy farming equipment which he ends up impaled on, killing him. His mask flies off and everyone sees that it's the ambulance driver and not really Jason at all. Oh yeah Tommy Jarvis from the earlier movie is in this one and he's all grown up and crazified from his encounter with Jason in the previous film. The movie keeps trying to trick the audience into thinking the killer is actually Tommy, which would have been cool, but NO it's the damn ambulance driver.

"Argh, my revenge made no sense, and now I'm dead!"

Friday the 13th Part VI is awesome. It has my second favorite Jason costume and is pretty over the top. This is the movie where they stopped even trying to be scary and it made the movie even more hilarious that the ones before it. First off it opens with a James Bond Parody where Jason walks across the screen and slashes at it, causing the screen to go red. In the opening Tommy Jarvis is out of the loony bin and off to Jason's grave to dig him up and make sure he's dead. He flips out and rips an iron rod from the cemetery fence and stabs Jason's corpse with it. Then lightning strikes the rod and zaps Jason back to life much like Frankenstein before him. Since this entire film could have been avoided if Tommy had refrained from digging up Jason I like to call this film "Part VI: Tommy Jarvis is a Fucking Moron". Jason then heads back to the camp to do what he does best, and Tommy ends up in jail after pissing off the police. Jason's kills in this one are particularly ridiculous, like when he tries to steal someone's machete and rips their entire arm off, or when he slams some girl head first through an RV. This is the only movie where kids are actually on film, and the writers are complete jerks cause they keep trying to trick you in to thinking that Jason is going to hurt them even though you know he won't. After escaping jail Tommy taunts Jason in to the lake and chains him to a big ass rock, then just to play it safe he jams the boats rotor in to Jason's face at full speed.

"Whoops, by bad, I just wanted the machete..."

Friday the 13th Part VII is also awesome, Mainly because of the spectacular costume work. Jason is all skeletal and creepy in this one, and all the damage he's sustained in the previous films is painstakingly crafted into his costume. The kills are as silly as before but nothing special. The weird part is the main survivor is telekinetic, and she uses her mind powers to fight Jason. I'm pretty sure the writers were running out of good ideas at this point, and I like to think of this one as "Part VII: Jason Fights Some Telekinetic Chick For Some Reason". Towards the end after setting him on fire and generally kicking his ass all over the place she uses her mind powers to break his mask off, and for the first and only time Jason is scary. I don't have much to make fun of this one, because it rules.

"Quick, get me some fucking Botox!"

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan is a pile of crap. Some teenagers are yachting on Crystal Lake, and their anchor hits a convenient underwater power line conveniently right next to Jason, and the electric shock brings him back to life, much like in Part VI. Once he crawls onto the boat he finds a convenient replica of his old hockey mask, complete with convenient replica damage from the previous films. After offing the two teenagers on the boat he hides on the boat, which subsequently somehow manages to drift ACROSS LAND to get from A LAKE to THE ATLANTIC OCEAN. Once at the ocean there's a boat full of high school graduates who are taking a celebratory cruise to New York. Once he leaves boat A to get on boat B he proceeds to spend the entire movie murdering various people on said boat, thus my reasoning for calling this movie "Part VIII: Jason Dicks Around On A Boat For The Entire Movie". He seems to have magical powers in this one, because he is always somewhere different as soon as a victim looks away, it's like he can teleport or something. Towards the last fifteen minutes of the movie they finally make it to New York, where they promptly kill him by melting him down with toxic waste. This one is really stupid, although it's pretty funny when the boxer kid tries to fight him, and Jason uppercuts his head off. Plus he kills someone with a guitar, so there's that too I guess.

"Come here and gimme a hug!"

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, is equally stupid. After being melted down to nothing by toxic waste in the sewers of New York Jason is somehow back in Crystal Lake, Hockey Mask and all. He's somehow regrown a bunch of the skin he'd lost over the previous eight movies, especially around his head where the skin has grown over portions of the mask, permanently affixing it to his face. I don't know what the hell they were thinking when they designed his costume for this one, because his head is all lumpy and stupid looking. It looks like a nutsack, so I've decided to call this one "Part 9: The Return Of Scrotum Head". Another weird part of this one is that he grunts and makes noise, where he was silent in all the other movies. Right at the beginning they screw this movie up, as Jason is about to kill a supposedly unsuspecting teenager, HE IS BLOWN APART BY A SWAT TEAM. I guess after 200 some odd unexplained murders the police decided to check things out. Anyway, back to him being blown up in the first 20 minutes. That's right, He's not really in this one either. Instead the coroner inspecting his blown up bits goes crazy and eats his heart, thus becoming possessed by Jason's spirit. Jason keeps jumping from body to body and blah blah blah this one is effing boring. The only cool part is the end after he dies. It shows his beat to shit mask lying in the dirt, and Freddy Kruger's claws come through the ground and drag the mask down into the earth, which was a teaser for the Freddy VS Jason movie that took them for fucking ever to make.

"Lookout, it's Scrotum Head! RUN AWAY!"

Jason X, was the last and the weirdest of the Friday the 13th films. Having used up every conceivable idea for a story the writers said screw it, and sent Jason in to space, IN THE FUTURE. Somehow the government captures Jason and has in him cryogenic storage, jump forward to the year 2455 and a bunch of teenagers on a space ship are on an expedition to Earth. They find Jason the Popsicle and think it would be a fantastic idea to bring him aboard. He comes back to life, slaughters a a bunch of space marines, then gets killed by some cyborg chick. Then the ship's medical unit rebuilds him with nanotechnology because the movie is barely half over, thus creating SUPER ROBOT JASON. SRJ, as I like to call him, proceeds to kick even more ass than normal, and eventually causes the destruction of most of the ship plus an entire space station he causes it to crash in to. Some hotshot jerk sacrifices himself by grabbing on to super robot Jason and uses his jet pack to fly the both of them back in to earth, where the heat of re entry supposedly kills them both. The final scene is of his mask floating to the bottom of a lake where two teens are making out. Now, A LOT of people hate this one the most, but I don't. it's an interesting take on the series, and has some inventive kills, especially where he sticks that lady head first into liquid nitrogen and the shatters her head against a counter, HOLY CRAP! I will admit though the Super Robot Jason (which the nerdy ass writers decided to call UBER JASON) is cheesy as all hell, but this one was still more entertaining than 8 and 9 were. I would make fun of this and call it "Friday The 13th: Jason Goes To Fucking Space", but that's pretty much the title anyway so screw it.

In space no one can hear you laugh your ass off...

So what did I learn from Friday the 13th? I learned to pay attention and do my fucking job when I'm supposed to be supervising kids at camp. I learned that old ladies can kill me. I learned to stay the hell out of barns. I learned to NEVER EVER smoke pot and have sex in the woods. I learned not to watch vintage pornography, or eat bananas. I learned to not dig up dead serial killers, because they might be zombies. I learned to stay the fuck off of boats. I learned to never take frozen murders aboard my spaceship, if I ever happen to acquire one. I also learned that a son's love for his mother is a reasonable excuse for mass murder.

Aww, aint that cute?

Posted: Nov 17 2009 01:51 am

I enjoy your view on Jason X. I too can see that it's incredibly ridiculous but am able to let it entertain me for what it's worth. Any franchise is dried up when it goes to outer space but if it has to be done eventually, they did a decient job at it.

Joined: Oct 01 2009 Posts: 5316

A New Beginning was fucking terrible...I never saw Jason X or any of the new ones...but I'll take your word for it.

Posted: Nov 17 2009 10:03 am

A New Beginning had some awesome boobage, and you should see Jason X just for the laughs.

Joined: Oct 01 2009 Posts: 5316

I usually don't laugh at slashers...just roll my eyes. I mean the formula is so overdone, I almost fall asleep at these movies.

Joined: May 22 2008 Location: Goshen, VA Posts: 6544

That was well done as usual Blackout. Keep doing what your doing!

Posted: Nov 18 2009 01:35 pm

Did you do all those from memory? Excellent job Blackout.

Joined: May 22 2009 Location: Cincinnati, OH Posts: 353

Posted: Nov 19 2009 01:22 am

Eddie_Hyde wrote:

Did you do all those from memory? Excellent job Blackout.

Yes, although I did watch them all in a row again in preparation.

Posted: Nov 19 2009 10:17 pm

Awesome. That was cool of you. Now you should do A Nightmare on Elm Street, or Halloween. Both of which were also ran into the ground, beaten and pissed on. Haha!

Posted: Nov 20 2009 08:27 am

Nightmare managed to maintain a certain level of class though as opposed to Halloween which just went right off the deep end.

Posted: Nov 20 2009 08:00 pm

Mostly because they kept Robert England as Krueger. That's something you can't really say about Halloween nor the 13th.

Title: Titlating Joined: Dec 17 2007 Posts: 5042

MouthForWar wrote:

Mostly because they kept Robert England as Krueger. That's something you can't really say about Halloween nor the 13th.

Well to be fair Robert Englund did a bit more than lunge around.

Joined: Oct 01 2009 Posts: 5316

Yeah, Robert Englund ingulfed the character, no matter how shitty it was, usually you had a laugh or two because of Freddy himself.

Which is why I have little hope in Jackie Earle Haley's version

Posted: Nov 20 2009 08:55 pm

I miss Chucky.

Joined: Oct 01 2009 Posts: 5316

sidewaydriver wrote:

I miss Chucky.

Haha me too

It's a shitty franchise, but Brad Douriff (extemely underrated) makes it work

Posted: Nov 24 2009 10:24 pm

See, I think Chucky is hilarious. As a kid, I was deathly afraid of those movies. Looking back on it, I can't see why I was because those movies a sense of dark comedy to them. Not to mention the newer versions, which were meant to be funny. Awesome franchise, that I wish they would bring back.

Posted: Nov 25 2009 12:06 am

I wanna do one on the Child's Play Series when I get my collection rounded out. I'll do a Texas Chainsaw Massacre one too one day.

Posted: Nov 25 2009 06:44 pm

Jason Takes Manhattan is one of the most hilariously bad movies I've seen in a franchise, Jason X was fun too.

Posted: Nov 25 2009 07:55 pm

If you do Texas Chainsaw Massacre, will you include any remakes? Because there's almost as many remakes as originals now. And I wanna hear your take on the original two.

Posted: Nov 25 2009 10:14 pm

Since there's only like four that I know of I will include the remakes.

Posted: Nov 26 2009 12:41 am

great reviews, I was a huge Friday the 13th fan growing up

would love to see you review Phantasm II

Posted: Dec 04 2009 03:42 pm

I sat down and watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation the other day and was disgusted at hoe horrible it was. I mean, SERIOUSLY!! I decided to watch it because it had both Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger in it. I couldn't believe that it was actually released. It was quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen. Period. I mean it was PAINFUL for me to sit through it.

Joined: May 22 2008 Location: Goshen, VA Posts: 6544

Is that the one where the black guy is talking to the cannibal and is like "Why can't you motherfuckers just eat a pizza"? Or something like that.

Posted: Dec 05 2009 03:11 am

MouthForWar wrote:

I sat down and watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation the other day and was disgusted at hoe horrible it was. I mean, SERIOUSLY!! I decided to watch it because it had both Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger in it. I couldn't believe that it was actually released. It was quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen. Period. I mean it was PAINFUL for me to sit through it.

Yeah it blows really hard, and they should have called it Texas Chainsaw Mascara.

joshwoodzell wrote:

Is that the one where the black guy is talking to the cannibal and is like "Why can't you motherfuckers just eat a pizza"? Or something like that.

No that's Leatherface, Texas Chainsaw Massacre III. The redneck's rebuttal is hilarious. No. I like liver, and onions, AND PAIN!