I had a wee search back a few pages and didn't see a topic on this which is surprising.

So what are the worst films you guys have ever seen and why? I can think of one which comes to mind automatically when i think of this. Rant begins:

Cloverfield.

I remember the big hype about Cloverfield. The whole "what is this film about?", "What is the monster?" from the way it was being marketed, horded away and kept a secret building up excitement. I remember a mate of mine linking me to trailer video on youtube and i must admit it looked like it was going to be pretty good and had some potential.

The film then was released i made plans to go see it and for whatever reason i didn't actually go to see it. Heard some mixed reviews about it and finally months later i saw them shifting their stock of it for about £5. So i thought hey this is meant to be good i'l buy it.

So me and my mate usually have a movie night to quell our boredom so i bring it over to his house for us to watch.

*Spoilers from here*

What a total abomination it is. We watched it and thought wtf was this? This film has a number of problems/flaws which made me rate it absolute shit.

What my whole problem with the film revolves around the length of the film. The whole thing was 81 minutes long, including credits. That is ridiculously short and is why the film is so shit. Now you may be saying there are lots of films that short and are good, why is this a problem for me. Well it will all become clear in a second.

A brief run through of the film will explain my hatred of it.
The film opens with a message from the US government saying how the camcorder was found. So you automatically know that everyone dies at the end.. not a typical opening but okay.

This is then goes into the actual footage of this guy Rob who is leaving for Japan and the camera is following him around his party. Okay so some character development.. this is what i thought. This part was the most mundane part of the film, there's some relationship problem going on but quite frankly it doesn't make it interesting. At this point i couldn't care less about these people. So the party goes on and on and on and on.

Now this is where i go back to the timing. The film is 81 minutes long take 6 minutes off for credits leaves us with 75minutes. Now this party goes on FOR MOTHERFUCKING 20-30MINUTES. 20/30 minutes of people going "BYE ROB HAVE A NICE TRIP HUHUHUHU". I understand this is the only part to develop the characters since 1. its the start. 2. they are going to be running away from a monster soon enough but they don't even fucking do it. It's just talking shit. This leaves 45/55 minutes of actual film left. ACTUAL STUFF HAPPENING. So now we skip past the mundane chat about nothing and onto the actual film with people i don't give a fuck about. So it actually perks up here. I wake up my mate beside me and we continue watching. Monster is thrashing around throwing statue of liberty good. So its getting good.

Then here come my big problem with the rest of the film. The camerawork.

It was heralded as being revolutionary, amazing. I thought it was shit. If a critics idea of a good film is one where you spend half of the 45/55minutes of actual action staring at concrete on the ground or being in pitch black whilst hearing people running around screaming then they are a fucking moron.

Remember i don't give a fuck about these people why should i care if they are getting mauled to death. These parts are meant to create tension but there is none created.

So from here on its just them running around trying to find this girl who Rob fucked one night. Don't care that much. I am looking for the action.

Action yeah there's a lot of that missing. There's a few brief monster shots and few alien critters running about that's about it. No proper monster action shooting killing. Even Godzilla with Matthew Broderick had more action than this film.

So then they are trying to escape and they are in the helicopter and it crashes to the ground - oh no. So they crash in central park and the monster is roaming around above crushing all until there's two left. Rob and the girl he loves. So they profess their love the bombs come down.

The end.

That's it. The fucking end. Now people have disagreed with me on this but i like to have a bit of clarification at the end of a film. Most films give you sort of a clue at the end of the film about what happens but not this fucker. What people said to me is use your imagination. I don't want to, i want to know what happens. There is no explanation is the monster alive, are they alive? - looking back to the footage found at the start. IT ISN'T CLEAR.

I may as well say the monster burst into magic pixie dust then then all lived happily ever after if i am going to make up my own ending.

Cloverfield total bullshit. Of course to be expected from Abrams (Star Trek, MI3: good/okay respectively) who fucking made Lost a monstrosity of a TV show where i think he just writes an episode broadcasts it and makes it up as he goes along.

Give me strength. AND A SEQUEL TO CLOVERFIELD TO BE MADE?!. Give me strength.

Oh yes another one to rant on about.

A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell
Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyPrJb1_IdI

Now if you don't know anything about Troma who made it. They are notorious for making pieces of shit. Another film i have by them is "Surf Nazis Must Die".

Now i bought this having in mind knowing it was going to be awful. I bought it so like with Surf Nazis me and my mates could laugh at how bad it was. Surf Nazis however could be laughed at.

Nymphoid Barbarian is just painful.

The plot of the story is that after many wars through history, society had crumbled and the world has became desolate. The population of the world have became nomads no one can read or write or anything and its like prehistoric times.

The Barbarian just runs around the "nuclear wasteland" fighting stuff with this guy who gets captured. The acting is atrocious. It's so bad it's not even funny its just mindnumbingly boring. The claymation is terrible. After the guy gets captured it involves her trying to rescue him from the villain. Words can't describe how awful it is. You must see it to believe it.

The only semi-funny bit was when this guy called "The Bard" who looks like fucking Plato randomly appears and talks to the guy before hes captured. He's the only guy who can read and write in this society and has a revolver which he gives him.

Unwatchable. Never again.

Char Aznable wrote:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: More like George Lucas and the Skullfucking of Another Great Movie Series.

I didn't think it was that bad. Not as bad as people made out it to be.

Sure it has its bits of total cheese and the plot is a bit weird but that's a part of Indiana Jones charm.

People told me the UFO bit was ridiculous at the end. It's no more ridiculous than the ark of the covenant or Kalimah.

The fridge nuclear test bit wasn't as bad as it was made as well.