The horror genre can be so hilariously bad sometimes. And I'm not entirely sure if that's a good thing or not. Like, I was in the mood for some horror last week, so I went down to Blockbuster, and the section was piled with all sorts of craptastic sounding junk that I couldn't begin to imagine flying in any other genre (well, relatively speaking...it's fairly obvious why Sadistic Scorpion-Tailed Scalpels From Switzerland Get Their Bloody Revenge II- that's not real- might never work as a rom-com). And while I'm sure some of it might be surprisingly entertaining, I couldn't help but wonder who the fuck would actually listen to these plots and, with a straight face, greenlight them.

Aspiring Fuckbag Director: "Nah, man, it's a metaphor for how, you know, we're all so hooked on our technology and shit to give us our way of life that the human touch is gone, you know? Like, how we're all missing the real world 'cause the internet's telling us how to live, and all that. I can feel it, man, and so will the audience. I guarantee it."

Exec: "Right, so run the basic premise by me again..."

Aspiring Fuckbag Director: "Well, basically there's this teenage girl, you know? Very Clive Barker. And she's all having her problems with her boyfriend and stuff, right? So like, in school by the lockers they just have this big fight, you follow?"

Exec: "I do..."

Aspiring Fuckbag Director: "Good. So, like, her best friend, who's kinda like her, but, you know, a little sluttier, and such, she's all like 'nah, babe, don't worry 'bout that asshole.' But she does worry about him. So much so that in Chemistry class, she's too busy crying her eyes out to notice that she mixed the wrong two chemicals for her lab project. So then, when she looks down, because she got a text at the perfect moment from her guy, this black chemical shit just sneaks in to life, and while no one's looking, makes its way into her iPod headphones. So, yeah, no one else sees this either, 'cause the teacher's yelling at the same time. Then, later on, she's at home and her best friend is over, dressed all skanky for no real reason- maybe a metaphor for our material society. And she's takin' our mail girl to a party to get her mind off all this shit. So the main girl's about to go in the shower. So we watch her strip and shit, while cutting to her best friend snooping around the room, till she finds herself that iPod. She plays one song, and nothing happens. Meanwhile, we cut to our main girl who's now in the shower. While her friend puts the shit on shuffle, we keep cutting gratuitously to these shower scenes. Then, all of a sudden, friend gets to Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up. Suddenly that black chemical shit starts coming out of the headphones, and before the girl can slam them down in disgust, they're choking her. So, girl in the shower can't hear this obviously, as she's in her own world. So she doesn't notice that iPod, still playing Astley making its way into the bathroom. But then, all of a sudden, the song ends, and the iPod just becomes inanimate again on the bathroom floor. Then, yeah, she steps out, finds it, thinks that's odd, goes back into her room...and her friend is strangled to death, lying on the bed, back-up, arms spread out, and blood on the wall that reads 'A full commitment's what I'm thinkin' of.' Cue screaming. And that's basically how I'm gonna get this ball rolling."

Exec: "Mhm..."

Aspiring Fuckbag Director: "Yeah, and then for the DVD cover, we'll have, like, a Jack O'Lantern with glowing emerald eyes holding his razor blade cock over a screaming nun's throat in a bloody operating room. 'Cause that's the big climactic scene I'm imagining, you know?"

...Sorry, I got carried away...

Exec: "Well, that was, um, incredibly long. But I like it! A lot. It's current, and that song seems to be hip with the kids. We can get some good YouTube marketing on this. We'll fund it."

I mean, is that the logic? Who sees gold in shit like this?

For real, though, out of morbid curiosity, I'm really tempted to just pick out a bunch of this shit from the shelf one day and actually watch it. But then again, that'd cost money. I don't know...

...What point was I trying to make again? I really lose track of myself when I get all long-winded, and shit.