I can give you actual profiles of these people if you really want them... Sometimes things are better left to the imagination though.

AC – Fairly insignificant in this list, but I’ll profile everyone. She’s about 24 with two kids, and suffered from east-side-of-Des Moines disease, aka getting pregnant too young and marrying a douchepop who drives around with his seat laid back at a 30 degree angle for no apparent reason. Sad, because she’s very smart and a solid 9.3 on the hotness scale.

SC – The person who stole this list for me. She’s about 23 and pretty funny, usually my partner in crime for all of the office pranks, gags, and snarky conversations about other people in the office. She routinely helps me make this annoying woman named Jodi cry, for instance. Despite the comment about the wanting to ramble on the phone about inane crap for no apparent reason, she’s the one with the most level head on her shoulders, and the only person over there who understands how ridiculous that department is.

LK – The Dumpee. 23 years old or so, and has a classic case of princess-itis. Although from Iowa, she went to school at Ole Miss for no real reason other than to try to become a southern belle, I think. When she remembers to do it, she’ll try to use a butchered southern accent and then talk about having an accent. Before this past boyfriend, she’d routinely get flowers at her desk from random guys, leading us all to believe that she’d respond to any question from guys with “I’ll think about it if you send me flowers!”. Exceptionally clingy, she’d e-mail this poor guy during the work day about nothing, then forward his one-sentence responses to me so that I could “translate”. Used to talk about how beautiful she was up until she gained about 20 pounds while dating this last guy. Now she just pesters me for tips on how to get in shape. Umm, exercise.

JW – Not a fat cow actually, she’s quite slender, but in a goofy, uncoordinated-looking way. She’s 38 or so and looks like a mild hippie. Despite her claims that a perfect man should have hard abs, she is currently banging one of our (married) mail-room guys who most decidedly does not have them. Broke up with said mail-room guy once, only to be wooed back when he rode the dumbwaiter up from the basement to scare a coworker. Recently had a date with him which culminated in them taking a picture of themselves holding firearms. I’d post it, as it’s even more glorious than it sounds, but seeing as how I actually know these people and because there’s an assault rifle involved, I’d rather not have it circling the internet traceable back to me.

I think she's counting on having multiple roommates and a little daddy's girl income for the townhouse... But she hasn't bought one yet, she's just entertaining the idea and didn't like it when her now ex-boyfriend told her he didn't think it was a good idea.

Hacker wrote:

I'm gonna guess that the only reason that you still work there and are NOT insane is because of SC

She used to be, back when I worked in that department. I have a real job now though that I enjoy, so SC keeps me updated on all of the ridiculousness that happens over there.

Update! She's throwing an honest-to-god real life pity party at a bar right now, and I've just been summoned. This almost makes me wish I did that Twitter crap, just so I could do a play-by-play.

I learned during the "comfort" session that they added 40 more qualities to the list. SC is going to get it for me tomorrow... To be continued...

I edited the original post, they're all there now.