Warned you in the thread title, but if you want to see "The Knowing" without being spoiled, leave the thread now. I'll wait.


...Everyone else doesn't care? Good, because this movie sucked harder than any I have seen in quite some time. I thought it looked bad, but when Ebert (who I agree with 99% of the time) gave it four stars, I figured it must be alright. And since I really liked the movie's concept, I decided to give it a try. Big fucking mistake.

Based on my experience, here is a list of things that I hereby decree no one is ever allowed to do in a movie ever fucking again:

1. Cast fucking Nicholas Cage. THE MAN CAN'T ACT! He's wooden as all hell, and his mouth doesn't move when he talks. That's just creepy.

2. Substitute a single tragic event in a character's past for an actual back story, and actual character development. Announcing that a person's wife died, and showing he drinks, does not give us enough about the person to give a shit.

3. Juxtapose classical music with scenes of horror/human suffering. Its been fucking done people, and its not clever anymore.

4. Speaking of music, there is only one person in the world with the talent of John Williams, and his name is John Williams. If you are NOT John Williams, kindly stop ripping him off, and compose something original.

5. If I ever see another movie that ends with a motherfucking spaceship coming to earth with a big "surprise" reveal, I'm going to track down the goddamn script writer and shove a boot up his or her ass. If Spielberg and Indiana Jones couldn't pull it off, you fucking can't either. ("Close Encounters of the Third Kind" is obviously excepted here becase a) it was original then, and b) that movie didn't suck). The "it was ALIENS OMFG!!!11!!!11!!" thing has become our generation's equivalent of the "it was all a dream!" cop out.

6. You can read the Bible, and you understand symbolism. Congratulations. You are now as smart as a high school freshman. Unless you have something truly original or interesting to say, spare me your fucking high school Biblical metaphores, especially when you MAKE THEM SO GODDAMNED FUCKING OBVIOUS YOU MIGHT AS WELL INSERT A POPUP INTO THE MOVIE TO EXPLAIN YOUR INTENT!

*breathes*

/rant

kenthegod wrote:

Yeah, Ebert gave this shit four stars. I should be used to him being nice to crap films, but really, come on, now.

See, I totally respect Ebert and his opinions. Our taste in movies usually jives really well (as noted in the OP.) I seriously feel burned on this one though. I mean, if he had given it three stars, and mentioned some of the flaws, I would have gone in prepared for it being just okay, and would have taken it for what it was. As a result, I would have enjoyed myself a lot more. I'm as up for a crappy popcorn movie as the next person, even ones with Cage in them (I liked both National Treasures, for example--not great movies, but fun enough for a quick brain vacation.) Instead, Ebert gives it four stars and sings its praises like its the next 2001 or Alien or some shit. Gimmie a break.

All I can think is that the CONCEPT behind the movie (which was indeed very, very cool), and the underlying ideas and theories behind it so pulled him in that he forgot he was watching a piece of shit movie. I can forgive that; I know I've done it myself.

That, or he's finally decided to start accepting studio bribes. Either one seems plausible to me at this point. ( , I still love Ebert; can't stay mad at him.)

And Gumshoe, do pay attention to that next time. I swear to god, its like he's a ventriloquist.

uncle joe wrote:

This movie is so terrible, but I LOVED it. Highly recommended. And Soldier, don't front; you were at least quiver lipped when Nic and his kinda deaf son made that "together forever" sign right before the ship blasted off...the part where he fell on his knees afterward had the theatre break out in a raucous laugh. I love this movie.

See, if I had come to it with this kind of attitude, I would have loved it too I think. But my expectations were all skewed by Ebert's review, and so I just ended up being pissed. I'll check it out on video and like it more I'm sure.

Cattivo wrote:

Quick, somebody find that youtube video of scenes from the Wicker Man where Nic Cage is screaming about bees all the time and punching women. Damn work firewall won't let me visit the site.

Ask and ye shall receive:



And while I was looking for that, I found this. Quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life:



"No thanks...I'm allergic!" Lmao Brilliant. That bear suit alone is worth the price of admission, and the slug out of nowhere at the end...god damn that was a bad movie!

^ Its so true. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson after vainly hoping that Ghostrider might be at least mildly palatable, but noooooo...

Cattivo wrote:

Ah yes, those have to be some of the best YouTube videos ever.

Agreed. I hadn't seen that Wicker Man one in ages, and lol'd quite a bit when I watched it after posting. That bit where he just slugs that woman out of nowhere is fucking priceless.

Its almost enough to make me want to see the actual movie again. (I actually don't remember if I ever even finished the whole thing.) Can anyone who's seen it more recently tell me if the comedy aspect is worth it? Or does it suck so bad I should just stay away?

I didn't see Bankock Dangerous, no.

And Ghost Rider, as a movie, was okay. Having Nicholas Cage as the hero was most decidedly NOT OKAY.