SydLexia.com - The Forums :: View topic - Anybody got freinds / family suffering from addiction?

Posted: Mar 18 2009 09:11 pm

I've seen my fair share of it, friends and family members ruining their lives slowly but surely. I tend to cut them off once I've decided they've crossed the line, but I have this one friend I can't let go of. She's had a drinking problem for a long time now and I always want to keep my door open even though nothing I do ever helps. She just got locked up on some serious shit and isn't getting out any time soon from the looks of it.

What I'm wondering is, should I go and visit her (if I can not sure yet) and try to point out what's happening or should I let her tough it out on he own and just cut her off? I keep thinking that maybe my points will ring a little more true now that she's behind bars and forced to be sober, but then I also wonder if I'll come of as a sanctimonious self righteous bastard. Confused

Any thoughts?

Posted: Mar 18 2009 09:36 pm

Well...you know her better than any of us, so I'd be hesitant to give specific advice.

I will say I was/am in a similar situation with a very close friend of mine. The issue is an eating/body image/depression disorder, not drinking, but it sounds pretty similar in terms of your part in the whole mess. I would never cut her off, as frustrating, irritating and difficult and yeah heartbreaking as it is to deal with her sometimes. There are times when I have to walk away to cool down or let a point sink in, but always either go back, or let her come to me. I would think very long and hard before abandoning anyone in that kind of a situation, unless they're starting to drag you down with them. My two cents.

Posted: Mar 18 2009 11:27 pm

talk to her like an adult instead of a child. in other words, dont be condescending, dont be an asshole, and find out why she drinks. once you find out the why, then it'll be easier to reach a happy medium. and dont cut her off, like that old commercial says, if they are drowning, you shouldnt walk away. you should throw her a lifesaver.

Joined: Apr 09 2008 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 3112

I've got a buddy who was a user and dealer, and is in state for a long time on heroin charges. I'm a little familiar with a similar situation, so I'll try to toss some ideas off of you.

Cutting yourself off makes it worse. Substance abuse is a way with coping with depression for many, and every time they lose a friend, they lose hope and gain another reason for keeping up the habit. Really, just speak with her in a friendly manner to make it known that there's someone outside thinking of her. If you're serious and want to help her, send her a letter on occasion as well. If you do, then keep it on a schedule. It could be a weekly or even monthly letter, and gives them something to look forward to if they enjoy hearing from you.

They know the lectures, so don't lecture. It's like screaming at a kid for not doing his homework, saying the kid needs to do his homework. They're aware of how bad it is, but living in the moment is better than working at it for them because the work doesn't see a benefit. With a good friend who doesn't act like a pushy, sanctimonious bastard, they have a reward for their work to quit and straighten up.

They'll likely be hostile on the first correspondence, and may even argue with you or storm off. It's the stress of not having a future or anything to fall back on for the moment. If there is hostility, try to keep at it, but don't shove your presence down their throats.

Joined: Oct 12 2007 Posts: 821

She will be unable to quit until she wants you to quit, and the only way that will happen is if she understands that consequences and feels they are a big enough deal to stop.

I don't think you need to cut her off completely, but suggesting some AA meeting and letter her know is she shows up drunk to your house you will call the cops might help push her along.

Remember, you could be making the most logical argument in the world to try to keep her from drinking, but you might as well be yelling at the drink itself, as it will do about the same amount of good.

Posted: Mar 21 2009 09:03 am

Thanks for the feedback. I think I'm going to write and see if I can strike up some routine correspondence with her.

Posted: Mar 21 2009 01:26 pm

nihilisticglee wrote:

She will be unable to quit until she wants you to quit, and the only way that will happen is if she understands that consequences and feels they are a big enough deal to stop.

I don't think you need to cut her off completely, but suggesting some AA meeting and letter her know is she shows up drunk to your house you will call the cops might help push her along.

Remember, you could be making the most logical argument in the world to try to keep her from drinking, but you might as well be yelling at the drink itself, as it will do about the same amount of good.

This is the best advice so far and knowing the process as my brother in law is a heroine addict (we've since cut him out of our lives completely), I agree with it 100%. Telling her to stop, making her feel guilty, or being her friend isn't going to do a damn thing. She already knows she has a problem and people telling her that isn't going to have any effect. Plus, she won't able to feed her addiction much in prison anyway.

Like the post above me said, she needs to see and understand the consequences of her addiction because the only way she'll quit is if she has a real reason to get enough courage to conquer her addiction. If you do write her a letter, make it very clear in the letter than when she gets out, she'd better get to AA, work the steps, and really work to stay sober, or you will cut her off. Essentially tell her that if she wants to stay friends with you, she'll do it sober.

Hopefully that'll give her enough incentive and reason to work toward sobriety if she values your friendship. And if she doesn't make any progress or can' stay sober, have enough courage to cut her off completely and make good on your ultimatums.

Posted: Mar 22 2009 12:06 am

I won't be hesitant at all on this one because I unfortunately have seen the issue firsthand and I've seen exactly what it can do to someone.

Years ago my mother got into a car wreck. It hurt her back badly, so she was given pain pills. Sure enough, she developed an addiction to them that led to many traumatic experiences for my sister and I. It got to the point where I cut her off almost completely and my sister, when she turned 18, did so as well. We refused to talk to her because she used to drain my father's bank account to buy pain pills and put him severely in debt (which is much more monumental when you factor in that my dad makes a respectable 6 figure salary per year).

I was a little more lenient with her when I'd heard that my father kicked her out, and she was forced to go to rehab. I thought she was doing better, and acquiesed and started letting her visit my son. I found out after some tragic news that rehab was completely ineffective because all it did was introduce her to NEW FUCKING DRUG CONTACTS and the only thing she learned, especially after she'd gotten arrested, that she knew how to fake sobriety. Obviously I was pissed, but soon I'd heard again that she was getting better on her birthday last year. Figuring I'd give her a birthday treat, I'd stop by her house and let her see my son in a couple of days.

Three days after her birthday, I went to her house. She was obviously home as her car was there, so I panicked when she didn't answer the door, because she knew I was coming with my son and she wouldn't miss that for anything. I broke down the door and found my mother lying on the floor dead, a bottle of pills in her hands. She died in the middle of doing laundry.

I in fact did as much as I could to stop her and it wasn't enough. So take this from me and I say, if you care about this person at all, do anything you can to stop them. Nothing good can come from it.

By the way, to add insult to injury, after footing the bill for my mother's funeral, her fucking landlord billed me for the door. Thanks.

Posted: Mar 22 2009 04:23 am

What bothers me about these situations is the what if game. Sitting around thinking about what could or may happen, it's freaking driving me up the wall.