The X3 trailer has finally been released and I am there to analyze it like all the other whiney fan boys.
My thoughts: Beast ain’t looking too bad. The movie still looks like a TV show.
My review of the first
X-Men called it a “TV Pilot”, because it certainly didn’t have the feel of a movie.
X2 was closer to the cinema feel, but couldn’t quite fall out of the
Alias semblance. Now, with
X3, it looks yet another season finale to some TV show that never aired. Personally, I’d rather have the show. Like the
X-Files, sometimes the season premiers and finales are not the best episodes.
The trailer begins with craptastic music and one of the X-Doors opening. That was the perfect beginning of the trailer. It wasn’t even a door opening head on; it was the side door. Bloody brilliant. This seems to suggest the new movie won’t be a movie at all, but rather a side story to the central story line (whatever that was to begin with). Thus, the hook is horribly miscast (get it? Hook? Cast? Forget it, my humor is about as funny as cancer on Christmas).
Next we have the X-Men walking in slow motion down the X-Hallway. But wait, slow this shot down and you see that there are only two real X-Men there. Remember, Rogue and Iceman are not X-Men, they are students. Looks like the couple have graduated to become official X-Men. Then there’s two new newbies. Some chick who can’t walk on the right and Victor Krum... or just some tall guy on the left. I believe the new guy is Colossus from the last movie, but don’t hold me to that. Storm also shows off her new look, which is definitely an improvement.
Then we have some Picard looking cool shots.
A building explodes while two people are being chased.
Picard’s eyes. As The Who said, “His eyes are the eyes that transmit all that they know. Sparkle warm crystaline glances to show. He is your leader, he is your guide. On the amazing journey, together you’ll ride.”
The two people are running and chasing again. Faces are clearer. I think it’s Wolverine and some small chick, but the images are too dark to truly know who they are. Could it be the “chick who can not walk”?
Wolverine stands with a cigar while there’s a huge explosion behind him. Fab-fucking-tastic.
Shot of the X-School.
Two shots of Storm. The sky looks like she’s doing something. Probably something gay and useless.
Picard teaches a class, which are always the best moments of the series.
Picard and more shots of the students. Some kid apparently loves Lord of the Rings a little too much.
Then we have our first shots of Archangel. He is being strapped to a bed.
Then he escapes and poses. Why the hell does he pose? We’ll have to see the movie to find out. He looks gay as hell though. Plus, I can’t help but think how awkward and fun that day of filming was. Plus, is that Magneto on the left?
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!”
Magneto stops a truck by flinging an SUV into it. I must say that that technique would work a lot better if he just had one of his hot mutant women flash some leg. This is the money shot of the trailer, but it still looks worse than Final Destination 2.
There’s the table of evil standing in a forest. Apparently Magneto hasn’t moved since the last picture, cause when you control metal, you have to live in a forest...
Anyway, Jean Gray is on the far right; alone, isolated, and unloved. I think that’s Pyro next to her.
Then, there’s a whole new gang of evil mutants waiting around to be killed throughout the movie one by one like in a Metal Gear game.
Wait a minute, that is way too much to ask for.
Well, the montage ends with everyone throwing their arms in the air and cheering like the end of Evil Dead 2.
Cyclops screams bloody murder where Jean Gray was “killed”. Well, we already saw her alive so I guess that he’s just being dumb. Because the Cyclops of the movies is neither cool nor smart.
Iceman and Rogue stare longingly into each others eyes wondering how they will ever get to fuck.
Then we get the “beasts” shot of the trailer. That’s right, BOTH Wolverine and Beast in one shot! Bloody brilliant. Beast is actually not looking half bad. In fact, he looks damn cool.
Magneto, with boy-toy Pyro, tear open a metal door to get Juggernaut (I am assuming) who can be seen in the forest shot picture shown above. Well, all the new movie designs can’t be winners...
Wolverine flips off a tree to cut some guy’s throat.
Wolverine looks menacingly off screen while Storm shuts a wooden door behind him.
Cyclops continues to stand at the lake being angsty and a wimp.
Finally, he tears off his sunglasses and fires lasers. Why? Well, just because he’s a complete dork in the movies, doesn’t mean he can’t still be cool.
For some reason, Cyclops sunglasses go flying into Wolverine’s hand. My pal, Greg, predicts that Cyclops dies around here. The way Emo-Superhero Cyclops is going, I’m not too surprised.
Gratuitous nature shot.
Jean Gray’s body finds its way to X-Men headquarters. Picard begins to sexually molest her head. Hey, he’s got a thing for people’s heads!
Wolverine molests her neck. Hey, he’s got a thing for the jugular!
Jean finally wakes up and grabs Wolverine’s “busy hands”. He looks on with his same Wolverine face.
Jean opens her eyes and blows open an X-Door. Remember, she’s like us. She thinks the doors are stupid too. You go girl! It’s just too bad the doors look like huge chunks of Styrofoam.
Storm flies down, avoiding some red lasers. This either means those huge fucking robots from the cartoon show will be in this movie, or the aliens of War of the Worlds are pursuing a movie career. In any case, Storm flies. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. I’m thrilled. It just bothers me there’s red lasers being fired like some Star Wars movie. I thought X-Men was all realistic and shit. Well, at least they’re not in outer space... yet.
Wolverine looks for a light.
Storm moves from behind a car into Wolverine’s arms. They go spinning off away from a giant anvil. What the fuck? Plus, the special effects here look absolutely terrible.
Then there’s the most gay shot in the whole trailer. Enough said.
There’s a wide shot of the funeral scene. Try to guess who isn’t there.
Jean tries to act sad. She just comes off as a battered wife.
Back to the funeral. Someone drops flowers.
There’s a shot of Rogue looking for cute guys in the audience.
And Wolverine looks kind of sad, but mostly just pissed off.
The White House decides it wants to be a mutant and shows up in a dramatic zoom.
An old guy, I guess is the president, stands up.
We get to see a war room. Beast sits casually inside, so it seems weird that they would be declaring war on mutants when all they need to do is blow his furry blue brains out.
Whoops... Sorry, Beast. You’re cuddly, too.
Then the trailer heats up with a montage of shots with no consecutive order: Some kids run in slow motion.
Rogue looks out a window.
Wolverine falls down, using his claws as brakes.
There’s some military guys, so we’ll remember this is an “action” movie.
Magneto turns his head.
Jean looks evil.
Magneto opens his fist and pulls Wolverine closer to him using magic.
Storm, Beast, and Wolverine see something horrible as they fly in the X-Mobile (I’m assuming that they’re about to crash into the island of
Lost).
Ice man uses his magic spell “ICE 2” (Final Fantasy nod, you fucking fanboys).
Storm rises into the air, proving she’s Jesus Christ and can fly.
Beast looks angry and pouts for the military.
Storm twirls into a defenseless white picket fence in suburbia (pun delightfully intended).
The evil mutants declare war with fireworks, while jumping off destroyed freeways.
The kid from earlier (running in slow motion) runs into Storm’s breasts.
Mystique jumps over her hand cuffs and onto a table. Security does nothing. I guess her cover has been finally blown. Remember, she was playing a dead white guy.
The San Francisco bridge rumbles.
An Asian kid looks out from behind a car. I guess she just found out she’s being smuggled to be a child slave whore somewhere.
One more badass villain shot.
The bridge begins to fall apart.
There’s some flaming rubble (not flaming Barney Rubble).
Wolverine learns to fly.
Magneto learns to scream.
The bridge learns to shut the fuck up and fall over.
Picard steals Yoda’s bit and closes his eyes dramatically.
Trailer ends.
Wow, did that look good? Eh. We shall see.
