Mega Man Mania: The Robots of Dr. Wily


      Before Mega Man got X-rated, Dr. Wily was his archenemy. No one had more sequels on the NES than Mega Man: Capcom released a total of six Mega Man games for the Nintendo Entertainment System, followed by Mega Man 7 on the Super Nintendo. Over the next two pages, you'll encounter all fifty four of the Robot Masters from those seven games. Some of them are cool, some of them are fucking terrible. Each boss will be rated on a scale of 1 (lowest) to 10 (highest) based entirely on my whims. Continue if you dare... or something.

 

 

Name: Airman
Game: Mega Man 2
Primary Weapon: Air Shooter

Description: Let's see... Airman has a giant fan for a mouth and he shoots miniature tornados at you. Not only do the damn things hurt Mega Man, they also block his attacks. Airman has a creative, clever design and I have nothing bad to say about him. Blow me.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 9
 

Name: Blizzardman
Game: Mega Man 6
Primary Weapon: Blizzard Attack

Description: A skiing robot? Fuck that. Blizzardman's main attack is friggin' snowflakes. Mega Man has battled his way through levels that are entirely underwater and now a few goddam snowflakes can hurt him? I don't think so. Blizzardman also rolls up into a giant snowball and charges at you, which is one of the lamest enemy attacks ever. This robot is goofy as hell, he never should have been made.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 3
 

Name: Bombman
Game: Mega Man
Primary Weapon: Hyper Bomb

Description: Bombman is one of the best Mega Man villains ever. Dr. Wily was on to something here. If you wanna take over the world, don't build robots that throw snow or leaves; build robots that throw fucking bombs. Bombs are effective and to the point, especially when they're ridiculously big. Bombman also has a mohawk, giving him classic 1980s appeal. Hudson's Bomberman predates him by two years though, so he can't claim originality.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 10

 

Name: Bright Man
Game: Mega Man 4
Primary Weapon: Flash Stopper

Description: A fighting lightbulb, that's fucking brilliant. Bright Man might be a better concept than Porcelain Man or Osteoporosis Man, but unfortunately for him neither of those robots actually exist. Seriously, what kind of idiot builds a robot with a large easily breakable glass dome on his head? Bright Man's weapon is the Flash Stopper, which freezes time. It's a strong attack when he uses it, but Mega Man can only use it against the equally lame Pharaoh Man.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 2

 

Name: Bubbleman
Game: Mega Man 2
Primary Weapon: Bubble Lead

Description: Bubbleman is quite simply one of the worst robots ever. After braving a watery spike-laden fortress, Mega Man is confronted by some asshole who throws bubbles at him. Hello? If water didn't kill the little blue bastard, why the fuck would bubbles? In an attempt to make Bubbleman suck less, Dr. Wily also gave him some harpoons to throw and lined the ceiling of his room with spikes. Maybe he should have created Harpoonman instead.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 1

 

Name: Burst Man
Game: Mega Man 7
Primary Weapon: Danger Wrap

Description: Remember Bubbleman from 5 seconds ago? Well, Burst Man is almost the exact same boss, right down to fighting him a room with a spiky ceiling. There are two big differences, however. Whereas Bubbleman's bubbles were an actual weapon, Burst Man's bubbles imprison you and then float towards the instant death of the ceiling spikes. Don't worry though, a basic baseball slide will break you free. Burst Man's actual mode of attack comes in the form of little orange timebombs that he throws around. Sometimes the bastard even traps you in a bubble with one. Ultimately, Burst Man isn't really that more interesting than his Mega Man 2 counterpart, but he is slightly more clever.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 3

 

 

Name: Centaurman
Game: Mega Man 6
Primary Weapon: Centaur Flash

Description: By Mega Man 6, Capcom was officially out of ideas for Wily's robots. What the hell is a centaur doing as a boss? His primary weapon is the Centaur Flash, which is the same damn useless attack as Bright Man's Flash Stopper. Mythological creatures don't make good robots, especially when you have to invent bullshit abilities for them.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 1

 

Name: Charge Man
Game: Mega Man 5
Primary Weapon: Charge Kick

Description: Some of you may be wondering what exactly Charge Man is. Clearly he's not a battery or credit card. Well, he's a train, which is still pretty lame. I don't know why I decided to give him a 5... I guess I kinda like the smokestack. Other than that, Charge Man sucks.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 5

 

Name: Cloud Man
Game: Mega Man 7
Primary Weapon: Thunder Bolt

Description: Despite looking like a basic enemy from Airman's level in Mega Man 2, Cloud Man is fairly cool. He floats around blasting lightning at you like he's fucking Zeus or something. Simple but effective. Cloud Man loses points for not being named Thunder Man. Oh well. I guess I should be thankful that he's not called Thor Man.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 7

 

Name: Crashman
Game: Mega Man 2
Primary Weapon: Crash Bomber

Description: I have no idea what the hell Crashman is supposed to be, but I can tell you what he does. Crashman jumps around his lair like a fucking maniac dropping timed explosives everywhere. It's a very cool concept, but Crashman loses lots of points for being ass ugly. Seriously, what's the deal with that stupid helmet?

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 4

 

Name: Crystal Man
Game: Mega Man 5
Primary Weapon: Crystal Eye

Description: If a game series runs long enough, eventually there's going to be some crap involving magic crystals or gems. For instance, consider Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door or any pretty much Sonic The Hedgehog game. In that fine tradition, Mega Man 5 gave us Crystal Man. He's a tough boss and his primary attack, a giant crystal that splits in four and then bounces around the room, is powerful and hard to dodge. My one big complaint is that for a robot named Crystal Man, he isn't very crystalline. However, he is very green.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 6

 

Name: Cutman
Game: Mega Man
Primary Weapon: Rolling Cutter

Description: Cutman is quite possibly the definitive Mega Man villain. Sure, very few things about him make sense. For instance, who the hell brings scissors to gunfight, especially one against a boy in a *metal* suit? And can someone explain the physics behind scissor boomerangs to me? Regardless, Cutman delivers everything his name promises. His name, costume, and attack have that certain synergy that every memorable Robot Master has. Besides, if you ever played the original Mega Man game, this was the first boss you ever beat. If you claim otherwise, you're either a liar or a sick fuck.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 10

 

Name: Dive Man
Game: Mega Man 4
Primary Weapon: Dive Missile

Description: Ice, water, fire, air, and lightning. These are basic elemental attacks that we've all come to expect in video games such as Mega Man. As far as water-themed villains go, Dive Man isn't bad at all, especially compared to that wuss Bubbleman. Dive Man is built like a submarine and he fires heatseeking missiles. As far as weapons go, it's hard to top heatseeking missiles. Dive Man is a total badass, thus he gets an 8.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 8

 

Name: Drill Man
Game: Mega Man 4
Primary Weapon: Drill Bombs

Description: Drill Man is, well, a man made out of drills. What's not to like? This guy is menacing as hell and you better thank God everyday that your dentist doesn't have one of these things. Mega Man 4 gave us some great villains like Drill Man and Dive Man, but it also gave us some terrible ones. Bright Man comes to mind. So does the next guy...

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 8

 

Name: Dust Man
Game: Mega Man 4
Primary Weapon: Dust Crusher

Description: Dust Man is nothing more than a glorified vacuum cleaner. His two big attacks involve dust and sucking. And Christ, he sucks pretty hard.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 4

 

Name: Elecman
Game: Mega Man
Primary Weapon: Thunder Beam

Description: Nothing beats the early Mega Man villains. Elecman fires vicious electrical currents that are sure to fry both man and machine. Mega Man is a little of both, so he's twice as fucked. Although Elecman works for Dr. Wily, he seems to be pledging allegiance to Hitler in the picture above. Now that's evil.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 10

 

Name: Fireman
Game: Mega Man
Primary Weapon: Fire Storm

Description: In a Bradburyesque future, firemen are paid to start fires. That's where Fireman comes in. Originally designed as an Olympic torch that could make its own run, Fireman turned bad and started burning things. None of that is true, but fire is almost always cool; Fireman is not the exception. You'd have to try pretty hard to make fire suck...

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 10

 

Name: Flameman
Game: Mega Man 6
Primary Weapon: Flame Blast

Description: Speaking of fire enemies that suck, here's Flameman. With his wiry frame and ridiculous turban, Flameman is yet another Mega Man 6 villain with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Did I mention that his level is a fucking oil field? You know, because open flames and oil go together like peanut butter and jelly. Dr. Wily should have named this genius Suicidal Retard Man.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 4

 

Name: Flashman
Game: Mega Man 2
Primary Weapon: Time Stopper

Description: Flashman has the exact same time freeze attack as Centaurman and Bright Man. Even though I made fun of them, I'm not going to make fun of Flashman. Flashman was the original time stopper and it was cool at the time. Plus, you more or less needed this weapon to get through Quickman's level. However, there was absolutely no fucking reason to bring the weapon back in two more games.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 7

 

Name: Freeze Man
Game: Mega Man 7
Primary Weapon: Freeze Cracker

Description: As I said before, it's hard to fuck up a classic theme. Ice is one such theme and Freeze Man is far from disappointing. He can freeze Mega Man solid with his Freeze Cracker as well as cause icicles to rain down from the ceiling. Not only that, but the character model looks great too. Far from original, but far from lame as well.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 8

 

Name: Gemini Man
Game: Mega Man 3
Primary Weapon: Gemini Laser

Description: Let's see, a Mega Man villain named after a Zodiac sign... When Dr. Wily tries out more obscure gimmicks such as this, they're usually terrible. Gemini Man, however, is a rare exception to this rule. Gemini Man's ability to split in two is both deadly and inventive. Equally insidious are his bouncing blue lasers of doom. All in all, not a bad character. Oddly enough, Gemini Man looks a lot more like crystals than Crystal Man.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 7

 

Name: Gravity Man
Game: Mega Man 5
Primary Weapon: Gravity Hold

Description: Believe or not, Gravity Man is an actual boss from Mega Man 5. Gravity isn't exactly his weapon though. This Robot Master fires bullets similar to Mega Man's Mega Buster while using his amazing powers to change the direction of gravity in his room, thus causing you to fly up to the ceiling or down towards the floor. He'll also try to collide with you when the gravity switch occurs. Of course, you don't get Gravity Switch for beating him. Instead, you get Gravity Hold, a move that does absolutely nothing useful except kill Gyro Man. Gravity Man was an incredibly ill-conceived gimmick; his weapon should have at least been apples. Fuck him.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 4

 

Name: Gutsman
Game: Mega Man
Primary Weapon: Super Arm

Description: This turban-wearing rock-throwing construction robot from Mega Man 1 is still one of the greatest Robot Masters ever created. I have no idea why he's called Gutsman or why he dresses like Indian royalty, and I don't really care. If you don't like Gutsman, then get the fuck off of my website.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 10

 

Name: Gyro Man
Game: Mega Man 5
Primary Weapon: Gyro Attack

Description: Much to my dismay, Gyro Man has nothing to do with delicious Greek cuisine. Instead he uses gyroscopes to fly around and hide behind clouds. He also fires gyroscopes at you. Gyro Man is a total coward and he sucks, end of story.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 3

 

Name: Hard Man
Game: Mega Man 3
Primary Weapon: Hard Knuckle

Description: There's nothing hard about Hard Man. He's big, dumb, and slow. His primary weapon comes in the form of cartoonish boxing glove projectiles, but he is also able to cause earthquakes by jumping. Dr. Wily should have focused more on that feature. Quake Man has a nice ring to it and the Mega Man series could use an earth-based boss.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 5

 

Name: Heatman
Game: Mega Man 2
Primary Weapon: Atomic Fire

Description: Another fire robot. Heatman is cool for a few reasons. First of all, he's a giant zippo. Secondly, Mega Man's reward for beating Heatman was the first chargeable weapon in the series. Mega Man 4 eventually gave us the chargeable Mega Buster as well as the Pharaoh Shot, but Atomic Fire was the first. Heatman also gets recognition for having a stage that was damn near impossible to beat without the Item-2 jet.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 8

 

Name: Iceman
Game: Mega Man
Primary Weapon: Ice Slasher

Description: This Iceman is no Val Kilmer. Instead, he's the only one of the original six Mega Man adversaries who's not totally cool. Iceman doesn't even look like a robot; he looks just like a regular eskimo. Murdering eskimos is kind of fun in its own special way, but it's not as fun as hi-tech robotic deathmatches. Mega Man 7's Freeze Man is everything that Iceman wishes he could be.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 5

 

Name: Junk Man
Game: Mega Man 7
Primary Weapon: Junk Shield

Description: His fucking name is Junk Man, do you really need a description? He might as well been named Heaping Pile of Shit Man. Junk Man's weapon is the Junk Shield, a weapon that follows a rich tradition of retarded shield weapons that started with Mega Man 2's Woodman. One good thing about Junk Man is that he's very tall which makes him an easy target. Also, he vaguely resembles Buzz Lightyear. Other than that, he's rather forgettable.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 3

 

Name: Knightman
Game: Mega Man 6
Primary Weapon: Knight Crush

Description: This is the fourth Robot Master from Mega Man 6 that I've shown you and it's also the fourth Robot Master from Mega Man 6 that sucks hardcore. Who the fuck would build a robotic knight? Why not a robotic soldier or something else WITH A FUCKING GUN? Real knights are cool, but robot knights are bad. How bad, you ask? Let's put it this way: all that Knightman needs is a spooky glowing aura around him and he could be a Scooby-Doo villain.

Arbitrary Coolness Rating: 4

 

Onward to part 2!