SydLexia.com - All Kiwis Go To Heaven

Kiwi Gone To Heaven

Starting in Level 3, Tiki can ascend into Heaven when he loses his last life. There are three separate Heaven levels, one for Level 3, one for Level 4, and one for Level 5. In order for our kiwi hero to reach the afterlife, certain conditions must be met. First of all, Tiki must be murdered. If you drown or blunder into spikes, you're fucked; God doesn't let inept retards into Heaven. Secondly, you must be killed by a solid projectile such as an arrow, axe, or rock. If you are killed by a projectile that drastically mutilates your body such as a fireball or a laser, you will not be invited into Heaven. Think about it: who the hell would want to go to Heaven if it was filled with burn victims? Those people are fucking disgusting looking. And if God let burn victims in, pretty soon He'd be pressured to let homeless people in and before you knew it, Heaven would start to look like a Detroit subway station. That would suck. Luckily, the Heaven that Tiki is able to reach is pretty much what you would expect Heaven to look like. Basically it's just some clouds and some light airy music. However, there are a few notable differences between the Christian vision of Heaven and Taito's version...

One of the first things you'll notice about Taito Heaven is that it's filled spikes. I didn't even know that spikes had souls, but whatever. The second thing you'll notice is that several of the enemies that you've killed are also in heaven. Bats in particular seem to be very popular in Heaven. This poses a problem. If Tiki is good and his enemies are bad, then why do both get into Heaven? Could it be that perhaps we don't know the whole story and Tiki's friends did something to provoke Wally's wrath? We may never know. What we do know, however, is what lies at the end of Heaven.

If you die in Heaven, the game ends and you'll be prompted to continue. But if you make it to the end of a Heaven level, you'll encounter a beautiful goddess who bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. Mary will put you into a deep sleep, then the game ends and you'll be prompted to continue. There is a secret exit in each Heaven level that will bring you back to Earth, but you can find them for yourself. I'm not your mother, it's not my job to fucking coddle you.