Now most bands have crappy songs, there's no denying it. And it's almost too easy to pick the bad ones from the mediocre albums. Instead I decided to weedle out the songs from the so called fans "precious classics" to prove that they are in fact fallible. So without further ado, let's begin, starting with the band that is this entire board's lovechild...
10. Iron Maiden: Piece Of Mind:Quest For Fire- Ah yes, the whipping post for all non-Maiden tards. You know it's not so much that's "about a time when Dinosaurs walked the earth," hell take a look at the lyrics to "To Tame A Land...."
Without a stillsuit you would fry on the sands so hot and dry in a world called Arrakis
It is a land that's rich in spice, the sandriders and the "mice" that they call the "Muad'Dib"
That's pretty ridiculous if you ask me, but you know what, it doesn't matter because the music fucking kicks ass! Quest For Fire's music, however is kinda boring. And the intro/outro to this song just might be the biggest hiccup throughout the bands glorious 80's career!
9. Judas Priest: British Steel: United- From the so called "classic" British Steel, this song is fucking uninspired from the beginning. The riff is dull, the vocals are dull, and the drumming is dull. What really grinds my gears about it is that it's basically a re-write of "Take On The World" from the previous Priest album. Now, Take On The World wasn't particularly good, but at least it's a fun, gay
singalong, particularly if noones around. But this is just Halford crooning to a bunch of burned out druggies "United we stand, and we shall never fall." Damn Rob, to go from saying "together we will take on all the world" to "United we never shall fall?" Someone's losing fucking ground here!
8. Motley Crue: Too Fast For Love: Starry Eyes- Nothing really special about this one. It's just boring filler with a boring chorus. I suppose I could put some more effort into why it's boring, but Nikki Sixx's ego doesn't deserve it.
7. Manowar: Battle Hymns: Death Tone- You know, no matter how ridiculous the premise, when Manowar are on, you can't help but want to join them into battle! But when they are passive, in-experienced, and unsure of themselves...we get this. You know, now that I think about it, this would have made a kick-ass Rage Against The Machine song, with Zach's angry delivery! But with Eric's feeble, not-quite-defiant-yet vocal delivery, you just want this clunker to end so that kiss ass riff to Metal Daze will come on!
6. Van Halen: 1984: I'll Wait- Van Halen wanted to start stretching their boundaries here, as would any self-respecting band. In some instances it worked, like Jump, but here it's just...meh. But Jump was upbeat, fun, and it had a kickass solo! This is...the opposite of that.
5. Anthrax: Spreading The Disease: The Enemy- This is so supposed to be a song about the Holocaust, but it's too happy/bouncy. I mean, not every song about Aucshwitz has to be "Angel of Death" (see: Red Sector A), but this is just so fucking contrived. Joey's Whoa-oo-oaaa's during the chorus doesn't help either.
4. AC/DC: High Voltage: Little Lover- In AC/DC's long and illustrious career, your bound to have a few clunkers in your catalog. This was on their first "international" release, and it's just so long and boring; proof that not all the kinks had been worked out yet.
3. Pantera: Far Beyond Driven: Good Friends & Bottle Of Pills- "I fucked your girlfriend last night" ...um no you didn't asshole. This song has no triumpahnt riffs or solos from Dimebag and is just Phil being a diphsit.
2. Metallica: Metallica: Nothing Else Matters- The Black album will always be a controversial topic for metal fans, but there is one thing people can't deny, at least it still sounds like Metallica. And you know what, that's good enough for me to like this album...until we get to this. I think the reason this might have been the kiss of death for many fans is that Metallica always lauded themselves as "faster, meaner, heavier than all those bands that sing ooh baby and wear lipstick." But on this song, they sound like a band that sings ooh baby and wears lipstick. If you think I'm just being a dick, do me a favor next time you are with one of your non-metal loving friends, throw together a "rock ballads playlist" and sandwich this song in between "Every Rose has it's Thorn" and "Fly To The Angels" and see your friend notices a difference. Considering Metallica spent many years raging against that kind of music, there should be a MASSIVE difference
1. Black Sabbath: Heaven & Hell: Walk Away- Holy fucking AIDS, Batman! We all know the story with Black Sabbath in 1980; band fires singer, gets new singer, and puts out an album that is hailed as a masterpiece. You know, I'd like to believe these people who hail this album as legendary, but then I hear this song, and want to throw all these people in a concentration camp. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you retards? First of all, the riff sounds like it was recorded for a fucking Sammy Hagar solo album (more on him later), hardly the stuff Tony Iommi is worshipped for. Then when I hear Dio sing "lord she's handsome" I want to fill up a trash compactor with babies and squash them all! Seriously, if there's one thing I hate its gender confusion. Women are "hot" "smokin" "damn fine" and "skeet skeet", but they are not "handsome!" Is this an ode to a transvestite? This song sounds like the kind of shit Sammy Hagar masturbates to while dreaming that he will one day take over Van Halen! It is an abomination, and I think we are owed an apology by Ronnie, Tony, Geezer and Bill (even if it's one of the tracks he doesn't remember recording.)
Fuck you, and good night!
I can understand how it could be read that way. Truth be told I was just thinking about how bad "Walk Away" sucks, and I thought to myself "what other rotten songs are there on supposed 'classic' albums?" So I thought of a number that seemed psycholigically satisfying for all, and went to work.
