First of all
so don't get uppity!
Remember Simon? That round electronic piece of shit for little bastards with no friends to play real Simon Says with? Fuck that thing it's stupid, what today's kids need is EXTREME Simon.
Now there would be two versions, the home electronic version for the aforementioned little bastards, and rules for a person based game, for children that actually have friends.
The electronic version would still have the four primary buttons but on top of colors they would have pictures, rendered as charming brightly colored cartoon stills.
The
red button would be a picture of war, preferably something gory like a terrorist bombing suspect after he's blown himself up. Kids need to know the truth about the world we live in if they're going to be functioning members of it in the future, and the red button will hammer home the cold realities of modern war during a fun playtime activity, which is like multitasking, or something.
The
green button would be a picture of a rich business asshole jumping around in a pile of money. Kids need to learn the value of a dollar especially in these troubling economic time, and Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer sure aren't teaching them. Shit Sesame Street is just the Elmo show now which is worse than 8 Regalsins on a greyhound bus with your grandmother , and Dora the Explorer is teaching them it's perfectly fine and safe to wonder off without adult supervision / possibly and unknowingly into the clutches of a demented Albert Fish copycat. That fucking monkey isn't going to help at all. Oh and Spanish, it teaches them Spanish too.
The
yellow button would be a picture of Chinese people. The Chinese are obviously trying to kill God Fearing American's children with all the lead contaminated toys they keep shipping over here. Children need to be aware of the threat China poses to their well being before they are assassinated by eating toxic crayons in kindergarten class.
The
blue button would be a picture of a sad loser holding a 45 to his head. Children need to learn the truth about depression and the dangers involved, today's schools are inflating children with a false sense of confidence and they have no credible concept of reality until it slaps them in the face with a large smelly trout. Nothing is wrong and everything is now easy. The
I'm special attitude they instill along with the
everybody wins there is no losing pee wee sports along with the no more failure / check / check plus / check minus grading system are coagulating into a happy fuzzy huggable noxious poison, one will that cause the children to float along care free and happy until the harsh realities of life set in and they deduce that everything we told them was a lie finally deciding to off themselves in despair. We need our children to fight our future wars and the blue button is a step in the right direction!
Now in the original Simon toy it would light up in a pattern, which you had to then repeat correctly, if you failed the game ended and you were shit out of luck and had to start over. My new EXTREME version would have the same basic rules, but with a twist.
WHAT A TWIST!
If you fail to repeat the pattern correctly all four buttons would start flashing simultaneously indicating that you need to hit the start button to admit defeat and try again. Inside the Simon there would be essentially the guts of a cattle prod, and hitting the start button to try again would administer a shock, the farther along you were before you failed the more intense the shock will be.
The shock matrix in the Simon will hammer home the point that failure is unacceptable, and instill the children with a new found neurosis not to fail. Children benefiting from the new EXTREME Simon would go on to conquer school, nail all the cheer leaders, get a high paying job, and shit gold that smells like roses. This would allow us to feel secure in the knowledge that our god children would be incapable of failure, and would not only run our nation with unforeseen intelligence unprecedented economic prosperity and uncompromising aggression towards our enemies, they would also will have us taken care in our old age with the utmost extravagance and luxury. Or they'd have us terminated and ground into dog food because it's more cost effective on top of the fact we let them play with a toy that shocks them with a cattle prod.
The rules for person on person Simon Says are thus.
The leader of the game will ask each participant which areas of the body are most sensitive to pain, reminding each player that they only get one body area to name. The game leader them proceeds to yell
WAR CASH CHINA SUICIDE in increasingly complex patterns. Whomever fails to recite the pattern correctly gets a swift and firm kick to the area they named earlier, and the farther along they are increases the amount of kicks for each offense. If the game leader is a dumb ass and forgets the complex litany of phrases he shouted while the players are reciting it to him he is automatically reduced from rank of leader to the role of player and who ever was farthest along gets to take his position. Also the players all get to kick him in the nuts as hard as they can once and then call him a douche.
You mean like 300$ skydive handjobs or something? 
