The mating process of my race is similar to that of yours.
We take our globschnigrops and place them within the confines of our partner's righynowingsus. Due to our race's superior domination, reproduction is instantaneous. While you may think that this would require more work on the part of the parent, you are WRONG!
Our offspring are born with all intellect passed down genetically. They are also fully formed as adults after one planetary rotation.
I currently have 83,938 children. In your terms, I would be considered "quite the player."
I was inspired to mock your reproductive acts when I saw this:
First of all you touch yourselves!
Second of all you have rules about touching yourselves!
Third of all you require the viewing of others touching to feel satisfied!
Fourth of all you try not to spread your race through the means of penile gloves and medicine!
A part of me feels bad for your pathetic race of hell bound masturbating bipods.
I made an Earth funny!
YOU WERE AN EASY OPPONENT.