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Posted: Aug 13 2008 05:34 pm

Not quite a problem with women in a dating sense, but it's definately relationship-related:

So my sister's getting married in May. I get a good vibe from the guy and he can definately support her with the job he has. My problem lies in trying to handle one of the basic traditions at a wedding.

For those that don't know it, our (me and sis) dad passed away a little less than two years ago. Neither one of us cares for our mom and she won't be involved in the thing at all. This leaves me as the only relevant blood relation to my little sister.

I was looking forward to giving her away in my dad's stead. When I started to tell my sister that since dad's not around; that I thought it would be right for me to handle the honor, she cut me off before I got that far and calmly said that she wanted a friend of hers to handle it. Furthermore, this wish has been known to the friend since shortly after our dad's funeral.

So, am I being selfish for wanting to do this? I know it's ultimately her decision, but it just feels like an actual family member should be the one that gives her away. Since the wedding it still a good ways away, there's still time for me to talk with her about this.

Posted: Aug 13 2008 05:56 pm

i dont think its that selfish. she is the closest family you have obviously, so i wouldnt see it as selfish.

ask her why she wants her friend to give her away. find out the reason, and once you know what it is, present your position.

Joined: Oct 12 2007 Posts: 821

I don't think it is selfish for wanting to give her away at her wedding, it would be selfish if you decided not to show up because of this, or wrecked her wedding because of this. I'd take username's advice, and if she still says no, let it go.

Posted: Aug 13 2008 06:36 pm

I think that it is your place, or at the very least a close relative (ie if there was an uncle or grandfather), to do this, not a friend. It is her and her fiancee's day, but come on now. I would come out with it and get it straightened out now, and not wait.

Posted: Aug 13 2008 07:45 pm

If it's really important to you, than let her know. If it's something that's really important to her, then, suck it up and let her friend do it. I agree it should be you, but it is HER wedding.

Posted: Aug 13 2008 08:26 pm

like aika said, it is her wedding so ultimately she decides what to do, but at least let her know how important it is for you. illustrate to her the magnitude of that honor, and once she knows then you can decide whether her friend giving her away is justified or not.

Posted: Aug 13 2008 08:31 pm

It doesn't make sense that her friend would be doing that. That's kind of like a spit in your face right there and to your family.

Posted: Aug 13 2008 09:23 pm

Her friend should be an usher/groomsmen. You should give her away.

Posted: Aug 13 2008 09:58 pm

The real question is, why doesn't your sister want YOU giving her away?

Posted: Aug 13 2008 10:19 pm

I voted "Suck it up." just for the amusement of it. I'm bored, lolololol. Sorry to hear what happened, though, on a more serious note.

Posted: Aug 13 2008 10:26 pm

S. McCracken wrote:

The real question is, why doesn't your sister want YOU giving her away?

Exactly, thats wack.

Posted: Aug 13 2008 11:28 pm

Without a doubt it should be you. Blood is thicker than water, and family is the most important thing on Earth.

UsaSatsui's Youtube Channel · Posted: Aug 13 2008 11:39 pm

I have a few opinions, and they probably won't be popular.

First off, "giving the bride away" is one of those throwbacks to the "women are property" days, and I really don't think it should be done at all (my wife was not "given away").

Second, I think it's highly inappropriate for a male (assuming male) friend to symbolically "give away" a female friend to another man. It implies he has a claim to her to give up in the first place. If I were the groom, I'd be -very- suspicious about any guy that close to my future wife.

I think the part should be yours, it really should be done by a family member, and not a friend. It's just not their role in the big wedding play. Still, if she insists on it, not much you can do but tell her she's wrong.

Joined: Aug 13 2008 Location: Watertown, NY Posts: 131

Have you tried roughing this "friend" up a little? I'm pretty sure that, were you and the groom to apply a little pressure, he might back out of the ceremony without a word to your sister. Nobody important gets hurt, you get what you want, and your sister suffers no painful family spats. It's win-win.

Posted: Aug 14 2008 02:35 am

haha wow.

2010 SLF Tag Champ Joined: Jun 07 2006 Posts: 12294

you aren't the one getting married. this day is supposed to be about her. if she wants somethign done a certain way, then god damn it, that's how it should be done. you really have no say in the matter and it's selfish to even try to impose on what's supposed to be the happiest day in her life. if you really care about her you'll abide by her decision and support her in whatever she chooses to do.

Posted: Aug 14 2008 08:13 am

JEW wrote:

you aren't the one getting married. this day is supposed to be about her. if she wants somethign done a certain way, then god damn it, that's how it should be done. you really have no say in the matter and it's selfish to even try to impose on what's supposed to be the happiest day in her life. if you really care about her you'll abide by her decision and support her in whatever she chooses to do.

You know how I know you're gay? You took a woman's side. For shame!

2010 SLF Tag Champ Joined: Jun 07 2006 Posts: 12294

hahahah.

all jokes aside though, my sister has made a lot of choices in her life. hell, she just popped a baby out at the age of 21, when she doesn't have a steady career or the baby's father to help out. as much as I think it was the wrong thing to do (and believe me, I talk a lot of shit about my sister if you know me) deep down she is my sister and I love her, so I stand by her decision to have a child, because it's what she wants to do and because it makes her happy. it's not my child ,its not my vagina, and it's not my life, so if its what she wants, I have to at least be on her side through it.

just an example. im not just talking out of my ass here.

Posted: Aug 15 2008 07:51 am

Be glad she waiting until 21 to "pop out a baby". I dunno if you've looked around, but these days girls are popping out babies at 16 and 17 without the father around.

Posted: Aug 15 2008 11:59 am

I don't know, true enough it is your sisters day, and she's ultimately going to do what she wants. However, I think there is nothing wrong with making a case for yourself. After all, she is family, and family should be the one group of people where you can openly talk about how this or that makes you feel. Your her family too, so i think it's important that she knows you feel alienated by her decision.

Joined: Dec 06 2007 Location: Connecticut Posts: 11244

Unless there is a good reason (which out of courtesy she should explain) then it is somewhat insulting for her to request a friend.

Now, if it is an old family friend or a godfather or something... that's different and you should at least listen.

I don't know your relationship with her, but I think talking to her and finding out what the deal is is important no matter what.

One rule, no ultimatums.

Posted: Aug 15 2008 01:07 pm

pfft my sister popped her kid out at 19... same situation as jew except two years younger. sigh.

Posted: Aug 15 2008 02:47 pm

I would be more interested in the reason why she didn't want you to give her away. And the whole giving away thing is weird to me. And why is it so important? Just attend the wedding if she says no.

Posted: Aug 15 2008 03:29 pm

personally, i dont care for weddings. i was just giving my input in terms of what a reasonable and logical family type person would say.

2010 SLF Tag Champ Joined: Jun 07 2006 Posts: 12294

Dr. Jeebus wrote:

Be glad she waiting until 21 to "pop out a baby". I dunno if you've looked around, but these days girls are popping out babies at 16 and 17 without the father around.

oh yeah no doubt. there were other circumstances surrounding this, but I didn't feel that they needed to be brought up here.