I had a date with this slut from school. She had already fucked half of the guys in school so I knew it was a sure thing. Before I picked her up, I went by the pharmacy to pick up some jimmy caps. I told the pharmacists to give me an extra box because I had a date with the school tramp.

When I got to her house, she asked if I wanted to eat there with her family before we went out. I usually get along with parents, so I agreed. After I met her family, we sat down to eat. I offered to say grace. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed more than I had ever prayed before.

She leans toward me and whispers, "I didn't know you were religious."

I whipsered back, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist."

I'm from the Kansas City area. So I like to tell this one in bars to piss everyone off.
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There was a farmer from Kansas that died and went to Hell. When he got there, they put him to work. After a while, the Devil goes up to the farmer and says, "Is it hot enough for you here in Hell?"

The farmer wasn't even breaking a sweat. He says, "It gets way hotter than this in the fields of Kansas."

So the Devil cranks the heater up. He goes back to the farmer. "Now how is it?"

Farmer says, "It gets way hotter than this in the fields of Kansas."

Now the Devil is getting pissed. He turns the heat up all the way. Even the Devil is sweating like a whore in church. He goes to the farmer. "What do you think about this? I'll bet you've never been this hot befoe."

The farmer was still just working away. He was barely even sweating. "Its still not as hot as the fields in Kansas."

Well, now the Devil can't think of anything else to do. So he goes and turns the temp down all the way. It gets so cold it starts snowing like a blizzard. Hell was literally freezing over. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Okay farmer, now what do you think about this?"

The farmer says, "What happened? Did the Chiefs win the Super Bowl?"

Blackout wrote:

scamrock wrote: I had a date with this slut from school. She had already fucked half of the guys in school so I knew it was a sure thing. Before I picked her up, I went by the pharmacy to pick up some jimmy caps. I told the pharmacists to give me an extra box because I had a date with the school tramp. When I got to her house, she asked if I wanted to eat there with her family before we went out. I usually get along with parents, so I agreed. After I met her family, we sat down to eat. I offered to say grace. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed more than I had ever prayed before. She leans toward me and whispers, "I didn't know you were religious." I whipsered back, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist."

You like that? I stole it from Leisure Suit Larry 2. Its still one of my favorites and when I tell it, most people have never heard it.

ReeperTheSeeker wrote:

I once bought a box of Nerds and within ten minutes i finished the whole box. Not a second later i got sick and throw them all up. I guess that means i'm not a cannibal.

That made me think of this one.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny...
Well it was funny the first time I heard it...

I've got a nasty one.

A motorist breaks down on a country road. He starts walking and finally comes to this old two story farm house. It looks like a nice place so he stops. The farmer says, "I don't have a phone and there isn't town for about 30 miles. You can stay here tonight and I'll run you into town in the morning. But there is just one thing. I have three daughters. The two older ones are at the age where all they think about is boys."

"Don't worry." The motorist assured the farmer he would stay away from his daughters. But when he met them, it was all he could do to keep from staring at their tits while he was talking to him.
The oldest girl was about 19. She had just graduated and was about to go off to college. After the farmer left the room, she came up to the motorist and asked him to meet her in her room after ten o'clock. He knew he shouldn't. But she was bangin' and he couldn't help it, so he agreed.

The middle daughter had just turned 17. Not quite legal, but it would be hard or any sane man to turn her down if propositioned. Good thing he was already gonna be shacked up with the older one. Well, she came up to him after her sister had left the room. He really knew he shouldn't, but he agreed to meet in her room after eleven o'clock.

The youngest daughter had just turned 15. She too came up to the motorist. Now the motorist was no pervert. But this girl was already well endowed and was smokin' hot. She sure didn't look her age. Hell, if he didn't know her age, he would have thought for sure she was at least 18. So he said what the hell and agreed to meet her after midnight.

The motorist went to each girls room at ten, eleven, and midnight. He fucked the shit out of all of them. What they all failed to mention was that they were all virgins. So the next morning, while the farmer was outside finishing up some stuff before taking him to town, the motorist went to check on the girls.

He went to the oldest daughter's room. Her bed was soaked in blood. WTF? He must have popped her cherry. He started to panic. He ran in the middle daughter's room. Blood everywhere. Fuck! The youngest daughter. The farmer would kill him for sure. He ran in her room. There was green shit all over the sheets. "What the fuck is all of this green shit?", the motorist asked.

The youngest daughter says to him, "I guess my cherry wasn't ripe yet."

MouthForWar wrote:

A group of girls are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

I would believe it if somebody told me that this was an actual social experiment.