Subtitled: You Gotta Go There To Come Back

This is actually a serious topic. Since there really isn't a place to Rant and Rave the General Discussion board has to deal with this drunken monologue.

First, I need you all to relate to this. So I pose this question:

What Do You Want?

I know what I want. I'm a bit on the supersticious side so won't tell you what it is I want unless I jinx myself. I know what goal I want that will make me happy, but I honestly don't know why it will. I don't know how to get there.

I have pride that gets in the way, seemingly, far too often to help me get there. But if you don't know the way how do you know if what's offered won't help or hinder you? My problem. Yes, I get that. If it were that simple this wouldn't be a topic. So onward.

I'm half Cherokee. My grandfather made some huge contributions to this community and my given Cherokee last name is a prominent name here. I, however, was not raised here. My mom raised me in Louisiana when I was far too young to remember this place I live now until I was about 27. This means I barely know the culture and my grandfather, and real father(I was raised by my step father), would be the real heirs to what my grandfather left. My real dad is in his 50s and I barely know him and my grandfather has since died. I probably met my real dad 5 times in my entire life. This means, when he dies, I would be next in line to continue what made my family name a prominent and contributing name here on the reservation. For clarification, I have the last name of my mother and also am not part of clan because clans in Cherokee are passed through the mother, not the father. For this reason, you'd never know I was related to this prominent family.

In a nutshell, I can't run from my heritage.

I thought, originally, I had to come here, to Cherokee, to go back to Louisiana to solve unresolved things. I'm now in my late 20s and was sure this move was to make peace with myself. It coincided with a job I actually took for myself. A job acting in an Outdoor Drama since I've always wanted to be an actor. I found out later I was 3rd generation and both my real dad and grandfather had been in this Drama as well. "Unto These Hills". My grandfather played Elias Budinot, who gives the famous prayer in the play. I met him once in 1989 backstage after a show when I was too young to realize what that meeting meant.

Meanwhile, back home, where I consider home, Louisiana, I have friends who I want to give ah and to if I can. One wants to open his own trading card shop, another I'd love to see his restaurant be revived, two close friends of mine are going to get married, there's 2 girls back home I never followed through on. All kinds of things. I have attachment there. Things I still need to finish and still ned to do.

But wait, I have things I need to do here as well.

So now what do I do?

Yes... I...

What do I want?

I have things I can't run away from and things I can't let go. What I want has nothing to do with any of this. In fact, moving here was a step in the direction of what I want. I don't know why I want it, but I want it badly and I've at least taken the first steps to getting it. Maybe I do know why, but however unrealistic it is, I feel if I don't chase it until I get it I'm pretty lost.

So what do you do?

Forgotten heir? Unknown grandson to a growing legacy?
Returning friend? Help rebuild what you've seen people you've known over 10 years create, see fall, and desire like hell to rebuild it to the point where if you had the means you'd make it happen.
Chasing the dream? You may never get it, but you live everyday to try to catch it.