Lately I keep hearing all these anti drunk driving public service announcements that list off all the reasons you should not drink and drive. In the interest of providing fair and balanced coverage of both sides of the argument here are the 7 reasons you should drive drunk!


7. Walking is for nerds, you don't want to wear your buzz down by hoofing it home from the bar, screw that! Plus it's a real pain in the ass, moving your body and all. Also keep in mind that you're drunk and have shit for balance, you could run the risk of falling down. So remember to preserve precious nutrients that would be forever wasted by pointless ambulation, avoid malnourishment and possible starvation and get behind the wheel pronto!

See what fucking happens when you risk walking?!


6. You need to get home to your own bed! Look over at the Sasquatch snoring through vomit and booze encrusted lips next to you. Squint really hard until you can see in regular vision as apposed to seeing in room spinningly drunk-o-vision. Do you really want to wake up and force awkward good morning chit chat with that? Do both of you a favor, skip lying about how you'll call each other and get in the car!

Keep your shoes off while sneaking out lest you awake it, be like a drunken ninja!


5. You're cool, you can maintain! You've got this Broseph, you're a PRO! You could land a burning plane with your ass while blindfolded and tripping on mescaline and cough syrup, driving a car drunk is rookie stuff. You're super awesome, and everyone is jealous of you! Only stupid n00bs don't know how to properly drive drunk.

Pictured: A Pro.


4. Getting arrested is awesome! Show those retard cops you're not afraid of them and try and punch one of the jerks out when they try to breathalyze you. This will instantly jack your street cred up to over 9000 amongst the other inmates when they find out about it, and they will subsequently invite you to many fun prison in crowd activities such as: Slip and Slide Shower Fun Time, hide the contraband, and the How to kill a man with a toothbrush workshop!

See how much fun Charles Manson is having? Prison ROCKS!


3. You may get horribly disfigured! Nothing says bad ass and mysterious like a horrible scar, or a wheelchair. Remember that awesome old guy at the bar who lost his arm in a wood chipper accident but always lies and says it was from Nam? Now you can be just as cool as him and keep it real while pounding shots and telling stories about how you ended up in a wheelchair after you jumped in front of the Space Pope to deflect a pterodactyl suicide bomber! Everyone at the bar will love you wacky tales!

See? it's cool!


2. You might die! All the cool people are dead you know! James Dean, John Lenin, JFK, Martin Luther King, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Jason Vorhees, George Carlin, Stanley Kubrick, Billy Mays, Michael Jackson, this list of cool dead people goes on and on. Sure you're totally awesome now, but you'll never be as cool as all the cool dead people. Prepare to join the ranks of the awesome, and don't bother buckling up, that's for chumps.

At first I was gonna use a picture of Princess Di, but Sam Kinison is cooler.


1. You might injure someone else! Let's face it, people getting hurt is hilarious. Ever seen someone get hit in the groin with a softball, fall down the stairs, or kick a baby? Side splitting every time am I right? Well what could be funnier than drunkenly plowing over a jaywalker and turning them in to a twitching red stain on the pavement? Nothing that's what! Maybe you'll get really lucky and take out some of those asshole bicyclists that selfishly hog up the lanes that are the rightful domain of automobiles.

Should have stayed on the sidewalk, jerks.

Now that I've convinced you get out on the road and have fun! the comic is still not finished, and I'm too hot and tired to continue.

WORDS AND PICTURES!

I want the following, make it happen or prepare to be destroyed!

A robot maid that dispenses tacos and shoots lasers out of her face.

(It would be a lot like this.)


A helmet that converts all my spastic thoughts in to text before I forget half of it while I'm trying to type it.

(Wrong helmet damn it! This one turns you in to a cat.)


A super cool sticker to go on that helmet.

(FUCK EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE is also acceptable.)


An Ibanez XPT707FX Gray Chameleon Xiphos, so I can melt faces with my awesome riffage!

(The only way it could be more bad ass is if it were on fire, and shot shurikens and lightning!)


A magical staff that could cure everyone's problems via a few smacks to the head.

(There you go, all better!)


A Rocket Propelled Chainsaw to settle disputes in a reasonable, mature manner.

(FOR THE LAST TIME, I DO NOT HAVE ANY SPARE CHANGE!)


A really scary clown bouncer to guard the front door, mainly to keep pesky Jehovah's Witnesses away.

(I'm starting to think the clown was a bad idea...)


Never mind the clown, that's way too fucking scary. how about cyborg Beavis?

(Heh heh heh, hey hows it goin?)


A second tap in the sink that dispenses gin!

(Don't EVER let me catch you wasting gin to wash dishes, or the baby!)

I've noticed that some of you don't seem to be aware of the faux pas of smoking, and since going upside your head with a sock full of batteries will more than likely send me to the clink for a while I've decided instead to calmly explain what is not acceptable and offer some reasonable alternatives.

I most certainly DO NOT play the following things my friends!


1. Throwing your cigarette on the ground, despite the conveniently and thoughtfully placed ashtray. This needs to stop! Are you really that lazy? Do you throw garbage on the floor next to the trash can? Do you crap on the floor next to the toilet? Do you leave the baby on the floor after your attempt at a 3 pt shot for the crib failed? No you say? If not then why are you doing essentially the same thing with the ashtray? Knock it off and use the ashtray like a big boy, or I'll put my boot so far up your backside that I'll be wearing your colon as an ankle bracelet!

It would be like this, but with your ass. And yes my feet are this pretty.


2: Blowing smoke in my face. This happens a lot when we're all standing around shooting the shit. I know we're face to face and talking, but that doesn't mean you need to exhale your cloud right in my eyes. What's so hard about maneuvering your head somewhere else and discharging your carbon monoxide payload in a quadrant not currently inhabited by my face planet?*sorry that was both retarded and nerdy* Plus some *stupid* people say that blowing smoke in to someone's face is code for "meet me in the bedroom", and frankly I'm not interested if you're really that dumb.

How is this hot? Does burping in someone's face mean "I wanna take you to dinner"?


3: "Borrowing" smokes. First off, unless you're gonna hop in to your Delorean and travel back in time so you can give me back the un-smoked cigarette you're not really borrowing it. Secondly, (Grammar Nazism aside), you should NEVER borrow more than one smoke a day from someone. Unless you've been living under a rock on the freaking moon you've probably noticed that sin tax hikes have jacked the price of a decent pack of smokes up to around 6 or 8 dollars depending on your particular poison of choice. That's practically drug prices right there! Stop putting a financial strain on the rest of us with your fiendish behavior, you jerk!

May I suggest you try this instead?


4: Not putting out the cigarette correctly. Let's talk about proper cigarette extinguishment for a moment. Absentmindedly poking the cigarette in to the ashtray and tapping it spastically about once or twice to dislodge the cherry in to the tray so it can set alight all the other butts is not how you put a smoke out. All you're doing is making a colossal stink-fest and a potential fire hazard. May I suggest either fully stamping out the burning portion with the correct amount of force before you stumble drunkenly off to "holla at dem hos", or even better yet do what I do. I keep a small glass of water around that I dip the smoke in to VERIFY that it is no longer burning. If you take my advice you might save yourself the hassle of a mattress fire.

Just look at the MADNESS your laziness has wrought!


5:Smoking while eating. This is just absolutely disgusting, and you should be publicly caned for doing it. I mean really it's just plain wrong, like washing your naughty bits with your toothbrush or eating on the toilet or believing the moon landings actually happened. If I ever catch you committing this abomination I will personally remove you from the gene pool by pile driving you headfirst over and over in to a kiddie pool full of thumbtacks and bleach until you expire.

In the unfortunate event I am not available I will send rainbow spewing pandas.


That's all I've got for now, Ima gonna go eat a chicken bake. Don't bother to point out any words I may have made up because I'm already well aware of them.