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Posted: Jul 09 2009 12:49 pm

Apparently one of the members of the Daycare Department (aka Data Processing) at our office broke up with her boyfriend last night. Or rather, he dumped her. To try and cheer her up, the other daycarers decided to make a list of qualities that "the perfect man" should possess. I of course had to steal this list once I found out about it, and like any good person ought to do, am now posting it on the interwebz for scrutinization. The letters at the end of each statement are initials of who came up with that particular "quality". LK is the one that got dumped, if there was any question...

1. Commitment. Lets get it figured out men! No players! –JW
2. Communication. (Tell me what you are feeling ahead of time so we are on the same freakin’ page! Seriously!) – LK
3. Attractive. (Why isn’t this #1? Ha ha)- LK
4. Jim Halpert- SC
5. Compassion (Don’t be cold and callused (as he called himself last night), have a heart and use it dang it) –LK
6. Honesty. Don’t LIE about everything! –JW
7. Attractive. (Why isn’t this #1? Ha ha)- LK
8. Ability to make me smile at any moment- SC
9. Rock-hard ABS—JW
10. Believes in ghosts. –LK
11. Kills spiders….especially if they’re in the shower- SC
12. Wants to DO things with you. Like most of the time –JW
13. Will buy you flowers just because it’s Wednesday (meaning… just because…with no real reason at all) –LK
14. Will stand by you through tough times-AC
15. Calls me just to tell me a random story that I probably won’t fully understand since I wasn’t there…and…let’s me do the same to him- SC
16. Knows how to play an instrument. - LK
17. Knows what to DO with HIS instrument – JW
18. Wants to meet my family and wants me to meet his. –LK
19. Does not want to hang out at the bars all the time. - JW
20. Wants to be active—go out and do things we both (or at least do some things that he knows I like) would like to do. Like, go for walks, stargaze, play tennis, play golf. Not just sit in front of the TV and watch movies every time we hang out. –LK
21. Will offer to fix things around the house. And knows what he is doing –JW
22. Becomes friends with all of my friends, and their boyfriends/significant others. So we all can hang out a lot together –LK
23. Lets me stay for all nine innings of the baseball game. --SC
24. Says I look better without makeup - JW
25. CANNOT be:
· A musician

· A doctor

· A lawyer

Needs to have a NORMAL job with the same hours as you do…….--JW
26. Is proud of something that I am proud of—is happy and excited for me when I am excited about something. Like a new townhouse. Instead of shaking his head or mentioning that he didn’t like the idea—LK
27. IS NOT FULL OF EXCUSES – JW
28. Says everything always looks good on you –JW
29. …and means it because he is completely attracted to you. –LK
30. Will not consider a break-up to be the 1st choice when a relationship is dealing with problems. --LK
31. Doesn’t have the exact same views as me, but will respect mine anyways. –LK
32. Has blue eyes, but if they cant be blue they have to be deep and warm. 33. Something I can stare into for hours. –LK
34. No facial hair. Gross. Like kissing an ape. –JW
35. …unless it’s scruffy. But not a beard and no weird design thing with a beard or mustache. Pa-lease, that sh*t isn’t even cute. –LK
36. Except when PRINCE does it. He can do it.
37. He can plan dates and things to do and surprise me when he knows I could use one. –LK
38. He NEEDS to love thunderstorms. MUST love thunderstorms. –LK
39. Has hair. (I don’t want him to have a buzz cut like he is in some army. I want something I can run my fingers through) (Jennay would like this one ha ha) –LK
40. Someone who truly loves me. And not just says it—but shows it too. –LK
41. Needs to be a REFORMED bad boy, that still has some tendancies. But you can control him –JW
42. Who will lay in bed with me on a lazy day and just talk and cuddle and be lazy with me. –LK
43. Who like to be spontaneous every now and then… do things on a whim. –LK
44. Will be serious and responsible when he knows he needs to be—but mostly has a fun side… that makes me feel comfortable and content. Like I don’t need anyone else in the world. –LK
45. Who wants a family. –LK
46. And can change a diaper, even #2 –JW
47. Likes to watch the History channel and likes to look up the weather to see if any cool storms are coming… --LK
48. That you think looks sexy even in glasses. --JW
49. Likes to play board games like Risk or Settlers or Monopoly. –LK
50. Who will randomly write me emails, call me, or text me just to say how much I mean to him. –LK
51. After every phone call say “I love you,” like someone I know…….—JW
52. Gives me a cute pet name… --LK
53. Someone that will still maintain his own identity, like never get matching shirts….. –JW
54. HAS to LOVE football!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!! And baseball. A lot. –LK
55. Enjoys reading, and appreciates my writing. –LK
56. Loves the South. If he doesn’t love the beauty in the south when I first meet him, he will love it once I take him there. –LK
57. Loves to go hiking, fishing, camping, kayaking, water-tubing, etc. –LK
58. Likes to go visit big cities, but never could live in one like Chicago or New York or Atlanta. Prefers smaller cities. –LK
59. Likes roadtrips. And going on adventures on a whim. –LK
60. Likes antiques. And history. –LK
61. Likes to boil peanuts. jw
62. Knows the difference between your & you’re and they’re, their, & there and uses them correctly- SC
63. Likes all kinds of music, and likes to go see live concerts. –LK
64. Not a health food nut—won’t count calories and stuff. That’s a girl’s job. –LK
65. Knows how to cook. –LK
66. Or at least grill out. Or if he doesn’t know how to cook, knows how to clean up the mess.—JW
67. Accepts all people—age, race, sexual preference, gender—accepts everyone. –LK/jw
68. Will sit next to me and think it is the cutest, sweetest thing when I cry while I watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition or sappy love movies. –LK

Posted: Jul 09 2009 12:56 pm

These are the same creatures who demand we spend 3 months' salary on a fucking rock, a trend which has caused countless human trajedies in poverty-stricken countries, just so they can have a shiny little trinket to show off to their girlfriends.
.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 01:06 pm

JW seems to get on my nerves the most, especially since she feels compelled to capitalize at least one word in every sentence.

Regarding the list:

2.) Damn difficult with men and women having different ways of thinking.
5.) It's Callous. Spellcheck ya nonce.
6.) Don't lie about everything, just what she would like to hear.
10.) Crock of shit that one. At least in regard to any sort of ghost chaser type television show.
12.) The emphasis should be with "you" not "do"
22.) 9/10 that shit don't fly.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 01:27 pm

I liked how #6 and #24 completely contradict one another.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 01:31 pm

Gee...I wonder why he broke up with her.

Seriously through, most of those women are gonna stay single for awhile, if they think a guy will put up with that bs.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 01:32 pm

ChkChkBLAM wrote:

I liked how #6 and #24 completely contradict one another.

I also like how #16 and #25 contradict each other.

SpraCoalee wrote:

Gee...I wonder why he broke up with her.

Seriously through, most of those women are gonna stay single fo awhile, if they think a guy will put up with that bs.

A-fuckin'-men. Didn't Maddox do an article with one of those "26 Things a Perfect Guy Does" lists and ripped it to shreds?

Posted: Jul 09 2009 01:34 pm

Here's my list for the perfect woman in response:

1. Blow jobs upon request, no questions.
2. doesn't ask me do pretty much everything on that list

This one absolutely kills me: 15. Calls me just to tell me a random story that I probably won’t fully understand since I wasn’t there…and…let’s me do the same to him- SC

Why would I want my girlfriend or anyone for that matter calling me all the time to tell me pointless stories. Can you imagine if your best guy friend called you at work to tell you he just got a free sub at subway...I would be like "why in the fuck are you calling me at work to tell me this useless bit of knowledge, you tit.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 01:45 pm

TopShelf wrote:

Here's my list for the perfect woman in response:

1. Blow jobs upon request, no questions.
2. doesn't ask me do pretty much everything on that list

This one absolutely kills me: 15. Calls me just to tell me a random story that I probably won’t fully understand since I wasn’t there…and…let’s me do the same to him- SC

Why would I want my girlfriend or anyone for that matter calling me all the time to tell me pointless stories. Can you imagine if your best guy friend called you at work to tell you he just got a free sub at subway...I would be like "why in the fuck are you calling me at work to tell me this useless bit of knowledge, you tit.

Haha, I was gonna make a post along these lines but you beat me to it.

Also, rock hard abs? I bet the bitch is a cow.

enshinkarateman wrote:

ChkChkBLAM wrote:

I liked how #6 and #24 completely contradict one another.

I also like how #16 and #25 contradict each other.

I was also gonna point this out, good lord.

Also, the transition between 16 and 17 made me want to punch myself in the face, as if all these bitches are sex goddesses.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 01:53 pm

And FYI ladies.....your "guy friends" are your boyfriend's mortal enemies. Those guys aren't "friends" with you because they like your personality. They're there because they'd bang you if the opportunity presented itself. It's simple biology. Men don't like sexual rivals.

So when you're hugging/kissing your guy-friend Bob on the cheek, I'm standing behind you thinking about whether or not I could take Bob in a fight.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 01:56 pm

Ice2SeeYou wrote:

And FYI ladies.....your "guy friends" are your boyfriend's mortal enemies. Those guys aren't "friends" with you because they like your personality. They're there because they'd bang you if the opportunity presented itself. It's simple biology. Men don't like sexual rivals.

So when you're hugging/kissing your guy-friend Bob on the cheek, I'm standing behind you thinking about whether or not I could take Bob in a fight.

QFT!

Posted: Jul 09 2009 01:57 pm

The perfect man is required to believe in ghosts and play an instrument? What doesn't even vaguely make sense.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 02:05 pm

The rule of perfection, there is no such thing as perfection.

Second rule of perfection, don't talk about perfection.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 02:46 pm

No musicians, yet you have to know how to play an instrument...okay.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 02:58 pm

ChkChkBLAM wrote:

I liked how #6 and #24 completely contradict one another.

and 28

this list is fucking retarded.

'i think of a man, then i take away reason and accountability'

and this list proves that 100%

i can make a list of the perfect woman:
nice tits, nice ass.
doesnt talk all the god damn time.
isnt an attention whore.
fixes me a sandwich every now and then
isnt insecure
and doesnt think of shopping as 'spending time together'

Posted: Jul 09 2009 03:06 pm

Neutral-Bob wrote:

No musicians, yet you have to know how to play an instrument...okay.

I think they mean no musicians as a profession. Even these women aren't so obtuse that they don't realize that A.) most musicians don't make shit for money, and B.) if they do, they're absolutely cheating on you. I think they just want you to be able to play the guitar or piano or something so they can at least fantasize about the notion that you'll some day be standing outside their windows bathed in moonlight and singing some Dashboard Confessional-esque bullshit to them while they swoon. And even if you don't ever do that, at least then they have one more thing to nag you about, a favorite female pasttime.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 03:07 pm

ChkChkBLAM wrote:

Neutral-Bob wrote:

No musicians, yet you have to know how to play an instrument...okay.

I think they mean no musicians as a profession. Even these women aren't so obtuse that they don't realize that A.) most musicians don't make shit for money, and B.) if they do, they're absolutely cheating on you. I think they just want you to be able to play the guitar or piano or something so they can at least fantasize about the notion that you'll some day be standing outside their windows bathed in moonlight and singing some Dashboard Confessional-esque bullshit to them while they swoon. And even if you don't ever do that, at least then they have one more thing to nag you about, a favorite female pasttime.

I think you unpacked that statement very accurately, nice job.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 03:12 pm

Good point. I didn't really think of it that way. I suppose I'll never qualify for the perfect man then.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 03:35 pm

Okay, I feel compelled to break this down one by one. Maybe I can help translate them from the seriously annoying 'Broken-Hearted Girleese":

1. Commitment. Lets get it figured out men! No players! –JW

Well okay, this one seems fair enough. Neither sex likes their partner screwing around on them. (Although forgiveness if it happens, depending on the circumstances, is probably important too.)

2. Communication. (Tell me what you are feeling ahead of time so we are on the same freakin’ page! Seriously!) – LK

This is a little vague, but I understand what she means I think. Don't bottle stuff up and then hit your partner with a bunch of emotional shit out of nowhere. Bad for a relationship. Annoying way of phrasing it, but I'm also gonna call this one fair as long as it goes both ways.

3. Attractive. (Why isn’t this #1? Ha ha)- LK

In her defense, she's just been dumped. In reality...WHAT century are we living in again?

5. Compassion (Don’t be cold and callused (as he called himself last night), have a heart and use it dang it) –LK

If ANYONE you know doesn't have this, you probably shouldn't be hanging around them at all, let alone *dating* him. Again, I know she feels like shit right now, but.. Rolling Eyes

I think the guy was obviously just looking for an excuse to get out of there.

6. Honesty. Don’t LIE about everything! –JW

Or at least don't let the other person find out about it. Rolling Eyes

THis is kind of a no-brainer again. No one wants to be lied to.

7. Attractive. (Why isn’t this #1? Ha ha)- LK

Didn't we already have this one?

8. Ability to make me smile at any moment- SC

I didn't realize that was in the significant other job description... (Although honestly, I don't think they mean it's the *guys* responsibility to always try and make his girl smile; its that it's a big part of a relationship, period. I mean all your best friends make you laugh, right? Hell, its half the reason I hang out on this forum. If two people don't share a sense of humor, its probably a bad match.

9. Rock-hard ABS—JW

....
.......No comment. *sigh*

10. Believes in ghosts. –LK

Okay, this one is TOTALLY out of left field. What the fuck? All I can think is that maybe her guy broke up with her over a fight regarding this point, otherwise there would be NO reason for this to be on here. Most of the others contributing to this list seem sane, but this...wtf?

11. Kills spiders….especially if they’re in the shower- SC

Excuse me while I go puke, please.

And godammit, everyone fucking knows you don't kill spiders in the shower anyway, unless they're the deadly variety. You take them outside and let them go, murderer.

12. Wants to DO things with you. Like most of the time –JW

I thought this was kind of the definition of a relationship, myself. If a guy (or girl) is finding excuses not to do things with you, guess what? You aren't a couple anymore!

13. Will buy you flowers just because it’s Wednesday (meaning… just because…with no real reason at all) –LK

Oh for pete's sake. Yeah its nice when a guy does little things out of nowhere to surprise you like that, but its hardly *necessary.*

14. Will stand by you through tough times-AC

Um...duh?

15. Calls me just to tell me a random story that I probably won’t fully understand
since I wasn’t there…and…let’s me do the same to him- SC

Okay this one I don't understand at all. Seriously. I have two really good friends (one guy and one girl actually) who do this to me all the fucking time, and it drives me *insane.* This is not ideal, this describes someone who would drive me crazy if I lived in the same house with them.

16. Knows how to play an instrument. - LK

I don't get why this is on the list either. This is getting oddly specific now. "Oh yes, you're perfect, you love me, you care about me in every way...but until you learn how to play piano, asshole, hit the road." Rolling Eyes

17. Knows what to DO with HIS instrument – JW

*sigh* I was waiting for this one.

18. Wants to meet my family and wants me to meet his. –LK

If he doesn't, there's probably a big problem, and you should RUN AWAY. This is another one that falls into the "duh" category. Another clue into how this breakup happened, I think.

19. Does not want to hang out at the bars all the time. - JW

*scratches head*. ...Fair enough I guess. I don't suppose a guy would want his girl constantly hanging out somewhere else, either. I dunno, this one is weird.

20. Wants to be active—go out and do things we both (or at least do some things that he knows I like) would like to do. Like, go for walks, stargaze, play tennis, play golf. Not just sit in front of the TV and watch movies every time we hang out. –LK

More clues! Again, this has to be a two-way street though. If you want him to take you stargazing one night, its only fair you agree to go to the WWE event/monster truck rally/art gallery/the sort of place he'd like to go when he asks. That part's not implied here, so it fails and comes off sounding self-centered and egotistical.

21. Will offer to fix things around the house. And knows what he is doing –JW

Helping out around the house is fair, if you both live there. But for fuck's sake woman, do I have to come to your house and teach you how to use a frigging hammer and wrench? Rolling Eyes

22. Becomes friends with all of my friends, and their boyfriends/significant others. So we all can hang out a lot together –LK

Okay, this is a BAD idea imho. Of course you should be cool/on speaking terms with each others friends. And hanging out together at a party or something sometimes is cool. But overall, I think he hangs out with his friends/she hangs out with hers. Forcing your significant other on your pre-relationship friends almost never ends well. Bad bad BAD!

23. Lets me stay for all nine innings of the baseball game. --SC

Okay, this one I totally agree with just because any time my dad would take me to a baseball game, he would make us leave at the 7th inning stretch to "beat traffic." I HATED that. If we're gonna see a baseball game, LET ME WATCH THE FUCKING BASEBALL GAME! (Sorry. Personal pet peeve of mine.)

That said, I don't know many guys who do this. My dad's an asshole, and an exception to a lot of things.

24. Says I look better without makeup - JW

But I thought he wasn't supposed to lie. Confused

No woman is stupid enough to think makeup doesn't improve her appearance. That's why we wear the goddamn stuff even though it fucking sucks. I know where they're going with this, the whole 'like me for who I am, not what I look like while all prettied up' thing, and I guess that's true, but Rolling Eyes

25. CANNOT be:
· A musician

· A doctor

· A lawyer

Needs to have a NORMAL job with the same hours as you do…….--JW

Okay, this is the first one that makes me come right out and say, "FUCK YOU BITCH."

First of all, I thought you wanted him to play a fucking instrument. Also, I guess he can't be a policeman, firefighter, soldier, or any other service profession. Because God forbid his job requires taking care of someone besides YOU. Fuck THAT shit.

26. Is proud of something that I am proud of—is happy and excited for me when I am excited about something. Like a new townhouse. Instead of shaking his head or mentioning that he didn’t like the idea—LK

Uh huh. I'm beginning to really form a picture of exactly how this breakup went down.

27. IS NOT FULL OF EXCUSES – JW

Well, yeah. Again, an obvious, two-way street thing. These are getting old. I'm surprised "must be able to breathe" is not on here yet.

28. Says everything always looks good on you –JW

BUT HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO LIE!!!!

Maybe I'm the only one, but I'd rather be told I look like shit (okay, maybe not in those exact terms, but you get the idea) than actually go out looking like shit.

29. …and means it because he is completely attracted to you. –LK

AHHHH! Because you can't be attracted to someone unless you ALWAYS think they look like a pretty pretty princess 100% of the time. Dear God, I hate this woman.

30. Will not consider a break-up to be the 1st choice when a relationship is dealing with problems. --LK

I think I can safely say, darling, after reading the rest of your contributions to this list, that that says more about you at this point than it does about him.

Anyway, that's my take. Feel free of course to throw in your two cents about my two cents.

Banned Joined: Sep 13 2008 Posts: 3129

10. Believes in ghosts. –LK
the fuck?
17. Knows what to DO with HIS instrument – JW
perverted or not. YOU DECIDE
22. Becomes friends with all of my friends, and their boyfriends/significant others. So we all can hang out a lot together –LK
heeeeellll no
25. CANNOT be:
· A musician

· A doctor

· A lawyer

Needs to have a NORMAL job with the same hours as you do…….--JW
lets see how that doing stuff together works when we have no money because normal jobs don't pay as much as they used to

Posted: Jul 09 2009 03:39 pm

Hacker wrote:

17. Knows what to DO with HIS instrument – JW
perverted or not. YOU DECIDE

Not. I call this one fair. Would you rather have a blowjob from a girl who knows what she's doing, or one who's gonna fumble around and be unsure of herself, and possibly cause you some pain in the process?

Banned Joined: Sep 13 2008 Posts: 3129

...you win this round Laughing

Posted: Jul 09 2009 03:48 pm

ChkChkBLAM wrote:

17. Knows what to DO with HIS instrument – JW

If my mental assessment of this woman, based on what I have read, is correct, I get the impression that she's one of those chicks who just lays in bed like an inanimate shitlog and forces the guy to do all the work. I'm sorry, Ma'am....but if that's all your gonna contribue to our sexual life, you've got no right to criticize me.

Now excuse me while I cum in your hair, fart and go to sleep.

Posted: Jul 09 2009 03:52 pm

I like Hawk's dissection of the list. Smile

Banned Joined: Sep 13 2008 Posts: 3129

Neutral-Bob wrote:

I like Hawk's dissection of the list. Smile

especially the fuck you bitch parts Laughing

I may post this list on another forum i frequent

Posted: Jul 09 2009 04:12 pm

Ice2SeeYou wrote:

ChkChkBLAM wrote:

17. Knows what to DO with HIS instrument – JW

If my mental assessment of this woman, based on what I have read, is correct, I get the impression that she's one of those chicks who just lays in bed like an inanimate shitlog and forces the guy to do all the work. I'm sorry, Ma'am....but if that's all your gonna contribue to our sexual life, you've got no right to criticize me.

Never thought of that, but since you got me thinking about it, I'm inclined to agree with you. She seems SUPER passive, and like she expects people to handle all her shit for her. Good call.

Hacker wrote:

Neutral-Bob wrote:

I like Hawk's dissection of the list. Smile

especially the fuck you bitch parts Laughing

Well things like this make women look bad. We wonder why we can't find a decent guy, and its because we make them think THIS is what we want. I don't blame them for saying "fuck it." I'm sure I would too.