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Posted: Oct 30 2008 01:02 am

Here's a good joke:

A man walks into a bar and splits his head open on it.

Joined: Aug 26 2007 Posts: 2752

Murdar Machene wrote:

Here's a good joke:

A man walks into a bar and splits his head open on it.

Baby Seal walks into a club . . . .

Posted: Oct 30 2008 01:45 am

Syd Lexia wrote:

No more Catholic priest jokes.

Only Catholics can make molestation jokes, like how only black people can use the N-word.

Well, I am a christian, but I guess that doesn't mean I'm Catholic, lol. Its so stupid that there are so many denominations and splits in christianity. Whats even stupider is when one denomination thinks they're all going to hevean and/or think "other" christians won't go to heaven unless they are apart of their clan.

Anyway,

I have no more jokes to offer because I don't know any.

Posted: Oct 30 2008 01:53 am

I have a few racist jokes that, although Bomberman may not care, I like him too much to tell them.

My buddy told me one today.

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt *rimshot*

You gotta know the guy to get why it's funny when he says it.

I don't have any more right now.

Posted: Oct 30 2008 08:23 am

An Italian, a German, a Frenchman, and an American are all on a plane. It crashes in the middle of the desert and they are the sole survivors. They have no supplies, and all they can see for miles and miles and miles is sand. They talk it over and they decided to wait for help. So they wait and wait and wait and wait. No help comes. So they talk it over and they decide that the airline must be tracking the plane and help has to come soon, so they decide to wait some more. So they wait and wait and wait and wait. No help comes. At this point, they start to get anxious because they have no supplies, so they decide to leave the wreckage and try and find their way back to safety, or at least an oasis. They have no idea which direction to go in, so they decide to talk it over. So they talk and talk and talk and talk, but they still can't agree on which direction to go in. Finally the German says, "In my country, when we have a problem, we always look to the south." So they decide to go south. So they walk and walk and walk and walk. Nothing. So they keep going. They walk and walk and walk and walk some more. Still nothing. So then the Italian says, "In my country, when we have a problem, we always look to the east." So they decide to go east. So they walk and walk and walk and walk. Nothing. So they keep going. They walk and walk and walk and walk some more. Still nothing. So then the Frenchman says, "In my country, when we have a problem, we always look to the north." So they decide to go north. So they walk and walk and walk and walk. Nothing. So they keep going. They walk and walk and walk and walk some more. Still nothing. So then the American says, "In my country, when we have a problem, we always look to the west." So they decide to go west. So they walk and walk and walk and walk. Nothing. So they keep going. They walk and walk and walk and walk some more. Still nothing. At this point, the men are becoming very tired and dehydrated, but they still push forward. So they walk and walk and walk and walk. Still nothing. They keep going. They walk and walk and walk and walk some more. But still nothing. Now, the men are very exhausted. The Italian thinks of his homeland Italy, and how much he wants some spaghetti. The German thinks of his homeland Germany, and how much he wants some beer. The Frenchman thinks of his homeland France, and how much he wants some croissants. The American thinks of his homeland America, and how much he wants some cheeseburgers. So the men keep going. They walk and they walk and they walk and they walk. But again, still nothing. They walk and they walk and they walk and they walk some more. Still nothing. Finally, as they slide down one last sand dune, their bodies broken and batters, something wonderful happens. They fall down a hole and they all die. The end.

Posted: Oct 30 2008 10:18 am

I don't give a shit. It's too hard for me to get offended by anything on the internets these days, especially coming from here.

Posted: Oct 30 2008 09:08 pm

*sigh* alright...why are the palms of black people's hands and the balls of their feet white?

Because there's a little good in everyone Rolling Eyes

What did the salmon say when it swam into a wall?

DAM!

Posted: Oct 30 2008 09:37 pm

Terrible.

Posted: Oct 30 2008 10:39 pm

lol which one?

Ok, I got a better one.

Why do you feed babies into a blender feet first?

So you can look into their eyes while you're jerking off.

I have REALLY fucked up friends.

Posted: Oct 31 2008 12:08 am

Boo to your shaggy dog story syd!

A dog walks into a bar, grizzled and mean, limping on a bandaged leg. He looks the bartender straight in the eye and growls out "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

Posted: Oct 31 2008 01:57 am

ross_rifle113 wrote:

lol which one?

Ok, I got a better one.

Why do you feed babies into a blender feet first?

So you can look into their eyes while you're jerking off.

I have REALLY fucked up friends.

Ah shit, if we're going into Dead Baby Jokes, here's the first one I ever heard, sophomore year, as I recall.
Q: What's red, bubbly, and bangs on the door?

A: A baby in the microwave.

I'm going to Hell.

Posted: Oct 31 2008 02:30 am

Syd, I liked your anecdote. The ending was a good joke. I would have liked it better if Rambo had kicked them into the hole, and pulled the pins on their grenades, and broke their necks with a pulley system of ropes and boulders instead of them just falling in, but it was good nonetheless.

Posted: Oct 31 2008 02:46 am

Sigh. My coworker told me this on the whiteboard at work.. I am posting a picture because you need it to get the joke.

Cuz 7 was black.

Posted: Oct 31 2008 09:19 am

BECAUSE SEVEN ATE NINE!

Posted: Oct 31 2008 09:24 am

Go Syd Go!!!

Posted: Oct 31 2008 09:46 am

So a guy walks into a bar and he immediately notices a tiny man sitting on the bar counter playing a piano. So the guy walks up to the bartender and asks him what the deal is.

Bartender says, "Oh, my genie gave me that."

Guy says, "You have a genie?"

Bartender says, "Yeah, wanna see?"

So the bartender takes out an old oil lamp from under the counter and tells the guy to rub it. He does, and goddamned if a genie doesn't come out of the lamp. The bartender tells the guy to make a wish.

So the guy says, "I wish I had a million bucks."

The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly a million ducks appear right outside the bar.

Guy says, "I think your genie has a hearing problem."

Bartender says, "I know! You really think I wished for a 14-inch pianist?"

Posted: Oct 31 2008 11:25 am

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the dry cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

Posted: Oct 31 2008 11:55 am

ross_rifle113 wrote:

*sigh* alright...why are the palms of black people's hands and the balls of their feet white?

Because there's a little good in everyone Rolling Eyes

What did the salmon say when it swam into a wall?

DAM!

As far as white palms on black folks go, I prefer to go up to black people I know (who can take a joke) and ask to see there hands and say "wow, I didn't know cotton bleached".

I havn't heard many dead baby jokes.

Title: Titlating Joined: Dec 17 2007 Posts: 5042

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at
the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the
man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says
to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.

Posted: Oct 31 2008 01:42 pm

A blond is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds, 'It's really cool! If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'

Posted: Oct 31 2008 02:38 pm

A joke along the same lines as 13Clowns.

A blind man is walking down the street with is cane. He is clattering away, avoiding all sorts of things. He starts to walk past a small fish market. He stops, takes a deep breath in through his nose and says "Oh, well good morning ladies!!!"

Posted: Oct 31 2008 03:07 pm

King wrote:

A joke along the same lines as 13Clowns.

A blind man is walking down the street with is cane. He is clattering away, avoiding all sorts of things. He starts to walk past a small fish market. He stops, takes a deep breath in through his nose and says "Oh, well good morning ladies!!!"

I heard that one from Junior on the Sopranos.

Vaginas smelling like fish jokes can be quite amusing.

Posted: Nov 01 2008 01:12 pm

Some nuns are helping with renovations in the convent and have to paint the meeting room. They don't want to get paint on their habits, so they decide to lock the door and take them off. Part way through painting there is a knock on the door. They get nervous and ask who it is. 'Blind man', comes the reply. 'Well', they think, 'that's not bad', and open the door to see what he needs. He comes in and says to them, "Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds hung?"

Posted: Nov 02 2008 12:19 am

Why did Mozart hate his chickens?

because they kept saying "bock bock bock" LOL

Title: Midnight Scientist Joined: Dec 07 2006 Posts: 518

You know there was baseball in the bible?

Seriously, Genesis 1:1- In the big inning...
----

Why don't Eskimo women wear skirts?

They don't want chapped lips.
----

Why do they boil water during a birth?

So if the baby dies, they can make soup.
----

What's the difference between dead babies and speed bumps?

I hate running over speed bumps.
----
What's the difference between a dead baby and a dartboard?

Nothing.
----

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
----

So I go to the library...

and I head towards the joke books, where I found a whole shelf on women's history.
----

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Once home he tells his wife about the purchase.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
----

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, freshly made honey!"
The mother mole ran up and squeezed in beside him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!"
The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses...."
----
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what
is that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go,
Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the
theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his
pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He
sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped
his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we
haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
----
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight-lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be
an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation, and five good leads
-----
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender asks "What's up with the steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replies "Argh, it's driving me nuts."