PIRAHNA 3D REVIEW *MINOR PLOT SPOILERS*


Pirahna 3d is a pile of shit. It is no more than a summer blockbuster sell out to rake in the dough. I do not understand how this movie actually receives good reviews, really says a lot about our society. Poor acting, pathetic storyline, and minimal 3-d effects, considering the fact the movie has “3D” in its fucking name! The beginning of the movie showed some promise to me. I couldn’t stop laughing at the perv-boy who begs the main character to shoot some “wild” films with him. That guy is probably one of the funniest parts of the movie, and his death was hilarious, too. I also laughed when the mom caught her son looking at porn twice, and the kid got pissed off.

The beginning certainly has some funny moments, but unfortunately, the movie does not go anywhere from there. There is a scene with an old professor and a captured piranha in a tank that explains how the piranha is from a prehistoric time period and how they are ultra-violent. That’s about as detailed as the plot ever gets. Unfortunately, even this scene comes off as pretty corny, for some reason I could not stop chuckling at how goofy and cliché it seemed.

The action scenes of the movie consist of the killer fish tearing apart every human in sight. It was kind of badass, but still even the fish came off as super fake, with their GLOWING, red eyes. Seriously? The main theme of this movie is boobs, however. If you do not wish to see lots of bare boobs, please do not invest in Boob, er Pirahna 3D. The main setting is a girls gone wild type environment, with thousands of dumb shit teenagers partying for spring break. The movie takes things to the extreme by combining nudity and gore. Normally, this would not really bother me, but this whole movie was just flat out mindless killing scenes and there was NOTHING intelligent or interesting about it.

The action scenes are entertaining, and funny as hell a lot of times, but very empty and pointless, and often way over-the-top. Boobs on screen are NOT the same as fucking deceased genetelia. However, it was funny when the guy yelled “They took my penis man!” Again, that actor is fucking hilarious. Although the guy generally can’t act for shit, and is probably an asshole in real life too. For example when his legs are almost completely devoured by piranhas, I laughed my ass off at how fake he acted. First of all, you will NOT be conscious when you have lost that much blood (and body parts). Second, he was not even acting like he was in extreme pain; he came off like a fucking retard. Third, he miraculously comes back to life just to mumble about a wet t-shirt contest, HOURS later, and then dies again. What a stupid asshole. Stay dead, please.

So obviously the movie is supposed to be a comedy/horror, or at least I hope those were its intentions. Unfortunately, the poor acting and incredibly stupid and unbelievable scenarios that the characters experienced just completely turned me off of the movie. For example, the “mermaid” scene, where two girls supposedly make out underwater while holding their breath for several minutes at a time. What the hell? And of course, after this scene, there is the incredibly cliché “false alert” moment, where everyone who was on the boat minus the main character “magically” disappears for a minute, then they all show up together all of a sudden. A fucking 10-year old could have seen this coming.

A lot of times, the movie is funny when it is not trying to be, and that’s a big problem in my opinion. Is this supposed to be funny or serious? It’s pretty pathetic when you get the movie’s jokes and serious scenes mixed up and laugh at both of them. Yes, I actually did this. The way the entire crowd ignored the police after they told the kids there was an emergency in the water also come off as pretty unrealistic to me, and just made me want to see the dumb assholes die. So I did enjoy watching those morons suffer. Maybe when the authorities tell you to get out of the water for an emergency, they’re not just doing so to piss you off, perhaps there’s something IN the water?!?! Nah, of course not. Cannonball!

The ending, and the scene before the ending are also extremely stupid. (I will not spoil it, but it SUCKS.) The ending itself is incredibly cliché, NOT funny, and totally predictable. I’m talking, so predictable, I was able to guess what would happen within less than 10 seconds before it happened. Whatever happened to the ending being an important part of the movie? This is just a stupid ending for a very stupid movie. It kind of finishes off that feeling you get: “I really just payed money for this piece of shit?” The saving of the trapped girl in the boat at the end was also very drawn out and way too dramatic. Either save the fucking girl or leave her, don’t take 5 minutes arguing with your mom, swim down, kiss her, and then, somehow, let a boat pull you underwater at about 50 mph. You’re going to be in extreme fucking pain when a boat moving that fast pulls you underwater, by the way, not happily gliding along. And how come the piranhas were not a problem when rescuing the girl and while being dragged back to safety? They sure were a problem for the lady who died while climbing across the rope, minutes earlier.

This is shallow, cheap entertainment. It’s not worth the extra money, the 3d effects are almost non- existent and suck when they happen, and the movie will be offensive to some. If you want to go with some friends to have a good laugh, see a lot of tits, and watch a lot of dumb assholes die, you could go to this, but the extra money is totally not worth it to me. If you’re looking for a thoughtful intelligent movie, that perhaps actually requires the usage of a human brain to comprehend, stay the hell away from this. I don’t know about you, but I paid a lot of money for these “special”, 3D tickets and glasses, and felt totally ripped off.