The Ten Weirdest Arnold Schwarzenegger Movie Moments
I have a confession to make: I'm an Arnold Schwarzenegger fanboy. Not only have I seen the vast majority of his movies dozens of times, but I also own most of them. Arnold movies are a lot like junk food: I know they're bad for me, but I don't really give a shit. I also know that I'm not alone in my enjoyment of these movies. After all, Arnie's best movies have grossed hundreds of millions of dollars. In 1992, Arnold was one of the biggest stars in the world. What exactly is the draw? Let's face it, he's not exactly the best actor. The answer is simple: men want to be him. And why not? As an actual human being, Arnold is physically imposing and photogenic. As a movie hero, he's so much more. Against ludicrous odds, Arnold always manages to get the girl, save the day, and kill the bad guy, all while delivering clever one-liners. That's why we love Arnold... in a masculine nonsexual way, of course. Although I intensely enjoy The Governator's movies, I'm able to admit that they're not all great. I can watch Raw Deal or Jingle All The Way, but I can still concede they're not exactly good. In that vein, I give you The Ten Weirdest Arnold Schwarzenegger Movie Moments. Some are creepy, some are retarded, and some are fucking hilarious. Enjoy.
#10 - The Terminator Smiles
The theatrical release of Terminator 2 was damn near flawless. It was the perfect mix of sci-fi, action, and comedy. All that changed when James Cameron released an extended version of the film on DVD. In addition to the classic scene where John Connor teaches his cybernetic bodyguard to say "Chill out, dickwad", another scene was included where he tries to teach the T-800 to smile. As you can see, the Terminator fails miserably at smiling. It's not that this scene isn't amusing, because it sort of is. It probably even holds up better than the aforementioned scene, which is chock full of outdated slang. It's hard not to smirk these days when you hear someone say "no problemo". What's troubling about this scene is that Arnold's inability to properly smile comes after an intense analysis of the muscles used to smile. As the movie explains, The Terminator has a highly advanced neural processor that allows him to pick up new skills very quickly. If he had tried to smile simply by emulating a picture, that would be one thing. But after studying the specific muscles required to smile, it's absolutely ridiculous for Arnold to produce such an awkward smile. Besides, too much comedy is an action movie is definitely a bad thing.
#9 Red Conan
While Arnold is usually remembered for his role as The Terminator, it was the Conan movies that first catapulted the Austrian Oak into the realm of Hollywood stardom. Based on the books of Robert E. Howard, the Conan movies showcased Schwarzenegger's raw power. After playing the ruthless Cimmerian in 1982's Conan The Barbarian and 1984's Conan The Destroyer, Arnold returned to the realm of swords and sorcery in another movie based on Howard's Hyborian Age, 1985's Red Sonya. Red Sonya was even directed by Richard Fleischer, the guy who directed Conan The Destroyer. Despite all this, Arnold did not play Conan in this movie. Instead, he played Kalidor, a powerful warrior who dresses like Conan, acts like Conan, and doesn't exist in any lore outside of this movie. Absolutely none of the background information surrounding this movie makes any sense. Arnie received top billing in the movie even though Brigitte Nielsen, the crazy bitch from VH1's Strange Love, played the title character and was technically the star. This is the same Brigitte Nielsen who also appeared in Rocky IV in 1985 and then never got cast in anything even remotely good again because of her raging egomania and obvious lack of talent. It's also the same Brigitte Nielsen who was so bitter after her divorce from Sly Stallone in 1987 that she fabricated a story that he had a small dick, which she used to bring up every chance she got. Classy. What we have here is a Conan movie without Conan or a likeable female lead... and who the fuck wants to watch that?
#8 Science Shmience
Total Recall is easily one of Arnold's best movies, but it also ranks up there as one of the greatest sci-fi movies ever made. The Wachowski Brothers' Matrix trilogy is little more than an amalgam of Total Recall, Terminator 2, and Philosophy 101. But while The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions are full of badly written scenes, self-indulgent special effects, and other assorted pretensions, Total Recall only has one real flaw: the scene where Quaid and Melina writhe on the ground as their heads threaten to burst from the lack of oxygen. The special effects in that scene were never really that convincing and time has not been kind to them. The most troubling part about this scene is that is has no scientific basis whatsoever. Because Mars has significantly lower atmospheric pressure than Earth, it is considered to be a vacuum. According to NASA, being trapped in an oxygenless vacuum will NOT cause your head to explode. Total Recall tried very hard to be an intelligent movie, but this one scene almost ruins it. I suppose it could have been much worse; at least the film doesn't end with Quaid laid out like Jesus on a robotic cross. I've seen Total Recall at various retail stores regularly priced between $5.50 and $9.44 which is a total fucking travesty. I don't think I want to live in a world where a total shitfest like The Cat in the Hat generally goes for at least $15.99 while one of my all-time favorite movies costs less than a value meal at McDonald's.
#7 Double Vision
When you've just starred in one of the best movies ever made, what do you do next? More often than not, you choke. Stallone followed up Rambo: First Blood with the embarrassing Rhinestone. After Gladiator, Russell Crowe starred in a very unmemorable film called Proof of Life. And after T2 garnered Arnold widespread critical acclaim, he followed it up with Last Action Hero, an excessively cartoonish parody of action movies. It was somewhat clever and fairly entertaining, but it lacked the key elements necessary to make a good comedy. In fact, Last Action Hero plays more like a bad action movie than it does like an actual comedy. Sure, it's *supposed* to be bad, but intentional terribleness does not always equal big laughs. Despite its flaws, the movie still has some interesting spots. One of the best scenes involves Real Arnold confronting Movie Arnold in a scene that totally destroys any attempts by the viewer to use this movie as an escapist fantasy. This was the first time that Hollywood gave us two Arnolds on one screen, but it would not be the last. The 6th Day took this vaguely memorable sight gag and expanded it into an entire movie.
#6 Fuck The ASPCA
When Jingle All The Way came out, it was universally panned by critics, probably because of the movie's blatant pro-merchandising message. For most of the film, Arnold and Sinbad were convinced that the only way to prove to their children that they cared was to provide Turbo Man, the action figure that every little boy wanted for Christmas and that none of the stores could keep on the shelves. The movie showcased the ugly side of Christmas, that spectacular mix of greed and pure desperation that has caused parents to punch each other out in Toys "Я" Us or pay $800 to snag a Furby in an eleventh hour auction. The movie inevitably ended with Arnold learning that Christmas is about family, not toys. But he does lots of psychotic things before he comes to this saccharine realization, including punching a reindeer in the face. It takes a special type of man to beat the shit out of an endangered species, one that Webster's Dictionary has a word for: hero. If animal abuse upsets you, please don't cry; Arnold makes amends with his sparring partner. Unfortunately, he does this by giving it a Corona. There's three things you're not supposed to ever do animals: hit them, fuck them, and give them controlled substances. I thank my inoffensive nondenominational benevolent deity everyday that Arnold decided not to go 3 for 3.
#5 Lay Off The Crack Pipe
In many ways, Commando is the quintessential action movie. It unintentionally showcases just about every genre stereotype: the bad puns, the incredible odds, the razor thin plot. Oh yeah, and the preposterous and plentiful death sequences. This movie is one of a very elite group of American theatrical releases where the body count is higher than the runtime: in 90 minutes, Arnold slays at least 100 baddies. Commando has quite a few memorable kills in it, but the final one is easily best. In the middle of a vicious battle with Bennett, a psychotic ex-CIA operative who Arnold kicked out of his unit, our hero finds the time to rip a random pipe off the wall and throw it hard enough to impale the bastard and pin him to the wall behind him. I haven't attempted to calculate the force necessary to pull off a feat like that, but I'm pretty sure that it's fucking impossible. To be fair, this movie was made in 1985 when the only things that anybody knew about science came from John Hughes and Thomas Dolby.
#4 UGH.
I have yet to meet anyone who has watched Junior in its entirety; it's that terrible. Most of Arnold's other bad films fall into the "so bad, it's good" category, but not this one. This is the one Arnold film that no Arnold fan likes to talk about. Even Batman & Robin is watchable compared to this tripe. If I were to show you actual screenshots from Junior, your brain would collapse. This movie is a prime example of exactly how cynical Hollywood executives are, how they believe people will watch anything as long as a big star is in it. The formula for bad comedy movies is as follows:
1. Hire someone with name recognition (e.g. Shawn and Marlon Wayans, Arnold, David Spade, Drew Barrymore).
2. Base the entire movie on one lame joke that is given away in the movie's title or trailer (e.g. Duplex, 50 First Dates, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot).
3. Stir until you have a homogeneous mass of crap, serve to a braindead audience.
The only thing worse than a bad comedy is a bad comedy with a message, so of course Junior has one. Underneath all the dumbass jokes about maternity clothes, sexism, and sensitive nipples is a preachy "my body, my choice" message. This isn't parody; it's a thinly disguised attempt at indoctrination and it fucking sickens me. Arnold, Danny DeVito, and Emma Thompson are generally charismatic in their films, but they all fall flat in this lethal dose of box office poison. If you want to see DeVito and Schwarzenegger in a comedy that doesn't suck stinky goat ass, watch Twins.
#3 Fuck The ASPCA Even Harder
Arnold's theatrical debut was in a 1970 low budget crapfest called Hercules in New York. This movie is incredibly silly for a lot of reasons, the biggest one being that Arnold was overdubbed with an incredibly goofy voice because his English was practically incomprehensible at the time. The DVD, which can be rescued from most Wal*Mart bargain bins, has two audio tracks: one with the dubbed Arnold and another with Arnold desperately floundering to pronounce harm, deity, and dozens of other words. Either one is downright hilarious when you're drunk. The movie's plot, if it can be called that, follows the disjointed and nonsensical adventures that Hercules has when he decides to visit modern America against the will of the Zeus. The absolute highlight of the film involves Arnold confronting a surly "bear" that has escaped from a local zoo. Punching out a reindeer is bizarrely entertaining, but it's nowhere near as entertaining as watching Arnold beat the shit out of a guy in a bear suit in a scene that's shot worse than The Blair Witch Project.
#2 Who Wants Cake?
There's several things you can usually expect to find in an Arnold movie: violence, comedic one-liners, and hot women. Arnold has starred opposite the likes of Rae Dawn Chong, Sharon Stone, Penelope Ann Miller, Kelly Preston, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Vanessa Williams. In 1986's Raw Deal, his wife is played by Blanche Baker, who you've never heard of, and the female lead was played by Kathryn Harrold, who you've also never heard of. Neither one is particularly attractive or good at acting. One of the movie's most memorable scenes comes early on when Arnold returns home to find that his wife has been hitting the sauce pretty hard. After a brief verbal altercation, in which we learn that Arnold was forced to resign from his job at the FBI and take a job as a sheriff in some backwater town, his wife hurls an expletive-laden cake at him. In a very PSA moment, Arnold admonishes her: "You should not drink and bake." Classic.
#1 The Bad Touch
In 2002's Collateral Damage, Arnold delivers one of the most unintentionally creepy scenes in the history of cinema. The movie centers around American firefighter Gordy Brewer's rage-fueled quest to avenge his wife and son after they die in the terrorist bombing of a U.S. government building. As anyone who understands basic filmmaking knows, in order for Arnold's vengeance to be meaningful for the audience, they need to connect with his character on some sort of personal level. Consequently, the script must make his wife and son seem important. In the movie's opening scenes, we see Arnold helping his son build a spaceship out of K'NEX. Fine, that's reasonably cute and innocuous. Then, moments later, we see him TAKING A SHOWER WITH HIS SON. How could the director have possibly thought this was a good idea? Why the fuck did Arnold go along with this? I find it real fucking hard to believe that no one on the set spoke up and mentioned that normal people don't have naked playtime with their kids. Not cool, dude. NOT COOL.
Downloads:
My favorite Last Action Hero clip
Posted by: Syd Lexia
02/18/05
