Spiritual Warfare (continued)
Welcome to the second half of my exciting Spiritual Warfare review. Up until now, I've been sort of leaving you in the dark about a few things. So before we move on, let's take a look at the status screen. As you can see, it provides a coordinate map so you can find your way around. On the left side there are five fruits. These are the different weapons you can get. There's a pear, an apple, a pomegranate, grapes, and a banana. The only ones that are really useful are the pear and the banana. The apple is really slow, the pommegranate zig zags, and the grapes fire randomly in one of three directions: straight forward, diagonally left, or diagonally right. Over on the right side of the screen, you can see the pieces of the Armor of God that you have collected up to this point, and the pieces you have left to collect. Up on top we've got our trusty Vials of the Wrath of God, some things we'll get to later, and the torch. To the right of the torch is anointing oil. Anointing oil completely restores your health meter, and you can only hold two at a time. Needless to say, they're damn rare. Then there's the prayer option. If you're low on health and high on Spirit Points (SP) you can spend 10 SP to regain half a heart. Did you get all that? Too bad, we're jumping back into the game now.
The hotel sector of the city is pretty damn useless, but what can you expect when it's swarming with Hell's Angels and tourists in lederhosen? The Hell's Angels are different from the other angels we've encountered thus far. They don't try to give or sell you things; they don't even ask you trivia questions. Instead, they just try to run you over with their Harleys. Luckily for you, hogs are vunerable to fruit, just like we saw with the pigs in the airport. Though it may not be useful, the casino is somewhat interesting. Just like the bar in the business district, there's someone outside warning you not to go in. This time it's not a 13-year-old prostitot, but a 73-year-old veteran hooker. And if there's anybody that knows even less than kids, it's Alzheimer's patients. So, despite having no discernable money on your person, you decide to try your luck at craps. Instead of finding a showgirl in a bunny suit dealing at the blackjack table, another angel shows up and screws you out of your Breastplate of Righteousness. Normally when I go into a casino and an angelic looking creature takes off my breastplate. . . . No? Okay.
Up next is the shipyard. One might logically expect to see some ships in a shipyard. One might be wrong. Here you'll run into gay sailors, pirates, and non-aggressive buoys. While the seamen just try to sodomize you, the pirates try to shoot you. I don't know about you, but I fucking hate modern pirates who use guns and grenade launchers and such. If you're not going to do it right, swinging from a rope with a dagger in your mouth, don't fucking do it at all. I am further aggravated by the stupidity of the pirates in this game. They wield two pistols, yet fire in three round bursts. If you can't even afford semi-automatic weapons, you're not a very good pirate. Ranting aside, the thing you need to pick up in the shipyard is Samson's Jawbone. It's a serious hit on your spiritual wallet, but you need it to get to the fifth boss. It's basically a boomerang that will pick up items and bring them back to you, just like Link's. The big difference here is that Link's boomerang was made of wood, and wasn't torn out of the face of a dead donkey.
Even the most zealous warrior of God needs a vacation once in a while. What better way to relax than to soak up some sun on the beach? Alas, even the beach is crawling with villainous characters. We have bodybuilders, skateboarders, sharks and ducks. Now, sharks I can accept as a viable threat to my well-being, but do you know how many people are killed by ducks on average in a year? None! Not fucking one. Yet somehow these savage mallards can destroy your soul just as easily as demons. The skater boys just throw bottles at you. The muscleheads are actually immune to fruit, and have to be killed with God's wrath. I don't exactly know why this is, but I can speculate. Maybe it's because they're supposed to be strong. Maybe they're too dumb to understand the Gospel and repent. Maybe they're so homophobic that all fruits just bounce off of them. Maybe they're enraged by jealousy, because their steroid-shrunken sacks are no match for your Titanic Testicles of Temperance. Whatever you want to believe, the bottom line is that there's nothing going on at the beach. Not yet anyway. NEXT!
Going into the woods alone is generally a bad idea, but that hasn't stopped us yet, and I'll be damned if it's going to stop us now. If you happen to wander into some hunter's cabin while you're in the woods, you'll find the railroad ticket. This allows you to warp to and from the various train stations that lie on the outskirts of the map. What? I didn't mention the train stations before? Oh, well they're pretty fucking useless anyway, so I probably just didn't bother. Now, we've seen some pretty lameass enemies thus far, but the woods more than makes up for it. Aside from axe-wielding woodsmen, hunters withs bows and arrows, and bipedal bears. But best of all, the woods are home to CHAINSAW MANIACS! Finally an enemy that kicks more ass than it sucks. Granted, there are only two of them in the entire game, and they pose no greater threat to you than a duck, but it's better than nothing. After wandering around the woods for a while you'll come upon a house made of gingerbread. That, or a cave that leads to the fourth boss. I can't remember which.
The fourth boss is actually quite brilliantly designed, but frustratingly difficult to figure out how to beat. This time the boss has an unlimited supply of ACME bombs at his disposal. To beat this guy, you have to cut off his supply line of bombs. This requires both timing and some luck. You have to stand near the top of the screen, and when he tosses a bomb at you, you have to bounce it back using the jawbone. This will open a path to the top of the supply chain. Now you have to time your bomb bounces perfectly, so that the new bomb coming down the chute is destroyed by the one you just sent back. It's tricky, but not impossible, and once the boss goes for a bomb and finds there isn't one, he wets his pants and runs away, granting you access to the very useful Helmet of Salvation.
There's an exit from the woods that leads to the downtown sector. After taking some time to test your helmet's tensile capabilities, head back to the park and use the jawbone to pick up a raft that was formerly unattainable as it was in the middle of a pond. Then head back to the beach, and go sailing to the bottom right corner of the map. Here you'll find the fifth boss. Remember back when I told you that you were going to run into enemies that throw balloons at you? Well here he is. Boss five is a janitor that drops balloons on you. Pardon me while I don't shit myself in fear. His minions are somehow able to throw three barrels out in front of them. Use some Vials of Wrath to find hidden ladders in the platforms, then climb up to the top and blast the boss with some more vials. As lame as this boss is, you can't help but take a Hell of a lot of damage from his goons. You will be victorious eventually, and then you get
The Sword of the Spirit is a little difficult to describe as you don't really wield it like a normal video game sword. You know how in Legend of Zelda, when Link was full power, he'd shoot a blade of energy from his sword? Well it's kind of like that, except that you can shoot it all the time. Oh, and it explodes too, did I forget to mention that? You can see a demonstration of this in the picture above where I absolutely own a Jehovah's Witness. Now that you have a +5 Exploding Sword of Holy Vengeance, you're ready to tackle the demon fortress, also known as Hell. According to the Wisdom Tree hints and tips page for Spiritual Warfare, the fastest way to get to the demon fortress is from church. There are far too many jokes to choose from here, so I'll just leave well enough alone and let the irony of that statement ruminate with you. The actual entrance to the fortress is in the prison yard, so without further ado, let's go to Hell.
I'm going to be honest; I thought that the demon fortress was going to be some wussy, hack job. It's not. The place is fucked. I mean, it's no Doom, but for a game made by a bunch of Bible thumpers, it's kind of disturbing. You're going to find yourself walking through screens of lava and acid; there's also an abundance of evil minions. Not only do you face the demons you faced in town, but you have to worry about horned demons as well. Not to mention that they both spit fireballs at you, and the possessing demons continually respawn every couple of seconds. Further down into Hell you'll run into fire elementals and beasts I can only assume are so hideous that you only get to see their footprints, lest you run out of the room crying.
The sixth boss also lurks in the depths of Hell. It's a giant clawed hand, much like Wallmasters that drag Link back to dungeon entrances if he stands still too long. This hand doesn't pick you up, however. Instead, it drops fire elementals and spawns demons. This boss is optional, but the prize you get for beating is well worth it. The Shield of Faith makes you immune to fireballs, which is a very useful thing. Before I talk about the final boss, I'd like to point out a problem I have with this game. In Legend of Zelda, if you came to a locked door in a dungeon, you knew that there was a key nearby that you missed. In Spiritual Warfare the door to Satan's lair is locked, and if you don't have a key, you might as well just quit, because you're going to have to go back to town to get one. I know you don't really get the full gist of the game from a review like this, but Hell is fucking huge. It takes a really long time to get from the jail all the way to the bottom. So having to backtrack all the way out to get a key is a serious pain in the ass. However, if use your current password, you'll restart at the prison. So in reality, you'd only have to fight your way through Hell in one direction.
In a stunning upset that's sure to shock everyone reading this article, I'd like to introduce you to the the game's end boss: Lucifer himself. Satan isn't particularly difficult, but he takes a lot of hits to kill, and you're likely to take a lot of damage in the process. Floating in the river of lava between you is a rock that protects him, following you back and forth and blocking your assault on its master. He also releases demons from his hands which can be difficult to destroy before they hit you. To beat the Prince of Darkness you have to hit the rock with your sword, which will temporarily stun it. Then you have to hit Satan in the face with fruit. Unless you're stupid, you're going to use bananas. I don't really know what constitutes a hit on Satan, but when you do, his arms come off and fly around the screen. Do this seven times and victory is yours. You don't really get anything aside from a lame congratulatory message and satisfaction, but let's face it; beating some NES games didn't even give you that much. So what's my final verdict on Spiritual Warfare? Well, by 1992 the 16-bit revolution was in full swing, so it was pretty behind on the times. But as a throwback to the glory days of Nintendo, it's a fun diversion that you can enjoy for a few hours. If nothing else, it beats trying to fight the real Satan with a real banana, and for that alone I give it a major thumbs up.
Posted by: Valdronius
01/03/09
