Part 2 of Streets of Rage 1
For no good reason, the fifth level is a boat. This is mildly amusing because it showcases the programmers' desperate attempt to stretch out the game to eight full levels. Unfortunately, a boat isn't funny enough or weird enough to be cool like the amusement park and alien house were in Streets of Rage 2. Instead, it's just lame.
Boss #5 is a pair of twin Japanese schoolgirls. Just like real Japanese schoolgirls, they are annoying as hell. They actively try to evade your attacks with their incessant backflips and then jump kick you when you chase them. They'll also try and sandwich you between them, at which point they'll have their way with you. Under other circumstances, that might be hot.
Next up is a factory level. This isn't so bad in and of itself. A factory is a pretty standard level for this type of game and it does provide a reasonably good backdrop for fighting. I never really understood why factories would need so many random crushing mechanisms, but whatever. What does suck though is lack of creativity in other areas. By this point in the game, you're still fighting second and third generation palette swaps of guys that you've been down since the first level. Not only that, you're fighting old bosses as mini-bosses. It's cool when all the old bosses come back to fight you in the last level, but when one is thrown into the middle of a random level for no good reason, it's pretty fucking gay. A good beat 'em up will introduce some new enemies in the later levels; this games does not. Virtually every basic enemy has confronted you by the end of Level 2. In a platform game where you have to jump over pits, climb ladders, and otherwise maneuver your character, this isn't as big of an issue. In Streets of Rage, where you don't ever have to use the jump button, it gets very repetitive.
At this point in the game it becomes indisputable that the develops ran out of ideas. You don't even get to fight a new boss in this level, you fight two copies of the Boss #2 simultaneously. The French have a word for things like this: bullshit.
Level 7 is an elevator that takes you up to the final battle. Basically, you fight dozens of jabronis in a small enclosed space. It's not particularly fun or interesting. There's not even a boss in this level. I'm forced to call bullshit once again.
The final level takes place in a lavishly decorated office building which faithfully follows one of the genre's big rules: No matter how trashy his minions are, the end boss will always have expensive secret headquarters. In this level, you'll fight palette swaps of every other boss you've faced so far. This would be a lot more imposing if you hadn't already fought most of them at least twice already. The whole thing is just pointless filler that keeps you away from the final showdown with the last guy.
The end boss is none other than former WWF and WCW superstar Scott "Razor Ramon" Hall. In a way, it makes perfect sense. The Bad Guy's love for alcholic beverages has often landed him on the wrong side of the law but most analysts agree that when he's at the top of his game, he's unstoppable. In SOR2, we learn that the boss's name is actually Mr. X, which isn't any fucking better than having no name at all.
Mr. X offers you a choice: join him or fight him. As anyone who's played a lot of video games knows, very rarely is there any real choice. At least 85% of the time, a yes/no question in a video game only has one possible outcome; selecting the unchivalrous response will simply forestall the progression of the game until you decide to pick the "right" answer. In this case, you actually do have a choice of sorts. If you choose to join him, a trapdoor will open and you'll be sent back to Level 6. If you don't, the closing confrontation will begin.
Mr. X has an edge: he's apparently the only character in the game who knows how to use a gun. He is superfast, superstrong, and able to soak up an ungodly amount of damage. Mr. X also has a steady supply of Billy Idol wannabes who will attack you whilst he fires his machine gun in your general direction. With a little patience and enough lives, you'll eventually persevere. If you selected YES before and repeated the last three levels, you'll sit down in Mr. X's chair and become the new head of A Powerful Secret Criminal Organization. If you didn't decide to be a total fuckwit, you'll get the REAL ending...
The game ends all three good guys standing over the "dead" body of Mr. X. Like so many other video game villains, this asshole came back for the sequel. For some reason, it really bugs me in this case. Bowser appears and gets defeated in just about every Super Mario game, but none of them fucking ended with King Koopa strapped to the hood of Mario's car. If there's a fucking crime lord lying prostrate in front of you, kick him in his goddam head. If he moves, arrest him; if he doesn't, throw him in a body bag. DON'T FUCKING LEAVE HIM THERE, YOU FREAKIN' IDIOTS!!! The Streets of Rage ending bears an uncanny resemblance to the end of the music video for Green Jelly's "Three Little Pigs". Green Jelly, in turn, probably stole it from some movie. If they did, I never saw it. Streets of Rage is one of the most perfectly mediocre games ever crafted. It's not indescribably bad, but there's nothing particularly good about it either. There simply isn't any real draw or difficulty to it; this game is ultimately just a waste of time. However, it's a pleasant waste of time.
Posted by: Syd Lexia
02/12/05
