KEVIN PEEKED FROM BEHIND THE CORNER OF A BOOKCASE AND GLIMPSED AT A FUNNY LITTLE MAN WITH AN ENORMOUS RED NOSE. HE WAS EMPTYING ORANGE SMELLS INTO A JAR FROM A TINY VACUUM CLEANER. THEN HE GRABBED SOME TISSUE FROM HIS POCKET AND SNEEZED LOUDLY.
KEVIN WAS VERY FRIGHTENED, BUT HE WAS ALSO VERY BRAVE FOR A TWO YEAR OLD CHILD. STEPPING FORWARD HE SAID, "YOU'RE NOT SO BIG!"
"HARUMPFF!" ROARED THE NOSE MONSTER. "WHY ARE YOU IN MY CAVE? WHO ARE YOU?"
Thoughts: Now wait one fucking minute here: KEVIN IS TWO!? Now, let me start off by saying that I think child neglect is absolutely fabulous; it builds character and teaches little ones that the only ones they can depend on are themselves. However, two years old is far too early to be starting child neglect. Once the kid turns eight years old or maybe even seven, that's when it's time to introduce the good ol' Panasonic TV as a babysitter. Once the a little boy can walk, talk, and open drawers or jars, it's time to send him off to the park by himself. Maybe he'll solve a mystery, maybe he'll get molested. Either way, what the fuck do YOU care? After all, The Price Is Right is on, the midday news is next, and then it'll be time for Day of our Lives. The fact that my brother was only two when he received this book really detracts from the already stupid story. Most toddlers can barely talk, let alone climb Scent Mountain or solve a mystery. Kevin was *certainly* no exception. Finally, on page 23 we see the Nose Monster pumping the orange scent that he just stole into a jar. Although smells are invisible without exception, the orange smell is orange for some reason. As we look closer, we'll notice that in fact every smell seems to be the primary color of the object it was lifted from. I know it's an excuse to make the book more colorful, but it's bullshit nonetheless. Also, how far reaching is this Nose Monster's power? For example, did he steal the fruity smell from all strawberries or just the ones that Kevin encountered? When I was younger, I assumed that the Nose Monster's power was somehow universal, but that doesn't really make much sense. With his evil vacuum cleaner, the cranky old bastard would feasibly only be able to steal scents from objects that he came in contact with... so this whole thing has been a fucking waste of time. Oh, your strawberries don't smell fresh? BUY SOME AT THE FUCKING STORE! The gingerbread men that you left on the window sill aren't attracting bratty children for you to bake into pies? BAKE ANOTHER FUCKING BATCH! The skunk that you called Animal Control about sprayed you and nothing happened? WHO GIVES A SHIT? Goddam, I hope this stupid thing ends soon.