Fun With Search Engines #23: Is This Your Lucky Number?

Filed under: FWSE — Syd Lexia @ 4:25 pm

Yes, it is once again time for FWSE, a site feature which is always weird and sometimes entertaining, where I report on select keywords that actual visitors to the typed into search engines. This report spotlights various keywords that were used between 6/5/05 and 6/11/05.

1. girls gone wild commercials uncut - Yeah, so Chris Elliot just called. He said you need to get a life. He also wants you to sign as many online petitions are you so that Get A Life gets released on DVD. Now regardless of whether or not you liked his TV show, I strongly suggest you take his first bit of advice.

2. cheap priced freddy claws - With a gardening glove, some skewers, a pair of pliers and some rudimentary sewing skills, you can make you very own Freddy claw for $20. Whether you want to terrorize your own Elm Street or just kill one particular douchebag, this is a fun and economical way to do. Besides, killing is always more fun when you made the weapon yourself. Just ask Teddy Kaczynski.

3. how to do brutalities in ultimate mortal kombat 3 arcade version - You can’t and why the fuck would you want to? Brutalities suck.

4. dead or alive xtreme beach volleyball porn - Fuck Dead Or Alive, fuck the DOA volleyball game, fuck softcore porn, fuck Tecmo, and fuck whoever searched for this.

5. birthday for mortal kombat character sub zero - As I stated once or twice in the past, it would seem that stoned idiots that type random shit into search engines account for the silent majority of the 300-500 hits that I’ve been averaging daily. I don’t understand why any rational person would care what a video game character’s exact age or DOB is. If you can’t estimate a character’s age by looking at him or her, then the programmers didn’t do a very good job making the game. Giving characters a fixed age is a bad idea, since characters rarely age and video games rarely take place in specific years; classic video game characters like Mario, Sonic, and Pac-Man are timeless. But if we know that Jill Valentine was X years old in 1999, that makes it awfully hard for Capcom to reuse her 20 or 30 years down the line. Besides, why would I ever give a fuck that Voldo from Soul Calibur is in his 50s? The only thing worse than making up DOBs for video game characters is giving them BLOOD TYPES. If you are honestly interested in whether or not Nina Williams could receive a successful transfusion from Jim Kazama, you really ought to kill yourself. I recommend vodka and painkillers. If it was good enough for the lovely Miss Elizabeth, it’s good enough for your stupid ass.

But going back to the subject of imaginary anniversaries, I hereby decree that December 11 shall henceforth be Sub-Zero’s Birthday (Observed). Also, October 20th is now officially Rex Manning Day.

6. michael jackson video gangsters - That’s sounds a lot like the “Smooth Criminal” segment from Moonwalker, not to mention every level of both Moonwalker video games.

7. hentai show iv warcraft 3 - I don’t know what this means and I have no intention of finding out. Sometimes innocence is bliss.

Well, that’s all for now. Who wants to bet that this week’s article will be late? Recent history and the Vegas bookies are on your side.


  • Posted by Valdronius on June 17th, 2005 at 4:36 pm  

    What the hell is that? Are you just gonna leave us all hanging with a consternating number? How could you! You bastard! If I wasn’t so crippled with confusion, I’d come over there and open up a can of 24″ pythons on your candy ass-clown. Blarg!

  • Posted by Syd Lexia on June 17th, 2005 at 5:01 pm  

    You came to the site while I was in the middle of updating of FWSE. When I’m writing it, I often pre-publish it so that I don’t accidentally lose all my work. There have been times on both here in the site news blog and on various message boards where a stray mouse click has cost me 15-30 minutes worth of writing, so I don’t like taking chances. In the future, I’ll save it as a draft until it’s completed so that we don’t have another embarrassing incident like this.

  • Posted by Tebor on June 20th, 2005 at 2:27 am  

    Ah, the issue of video game character blood types has finally arisen. Why would anyone want to know this? Is it to make characters more real to us gamers? I don’t know, but I know I’ve never cared… unless their blood type was X or something which usually meant they were a monster.

    As for DOB of characters, I know Resident Evil is highly based on chronology, as is Metal Gear, so messing that up would ruin things for fans… then there’s something like Silent Hill where no years are ever given but only debated… forever.

  • Posted by Syd Lexia on June 20th, 2005 at 3:30 am  

          The Resident Evil chronology is fairly linear though, so it’s still not particularly important for the timeline to have exact dates attached to it. The fact that Resident Evil 2 takes place in September 1998 is not as important as the fact that it takes place a few months after the original game. Besides, a franchise like RE is going to have sequels as long as it is profitable, which means that eventually there will either be some sort of inconsistencies in the storyline or Capcom will do a game that exists outsides the main storyline like Code Veronica or Resident Evil Gaiden. That, or you eventually lose any sense of chronology, like the Legend of Zelda series did, but people keep playing the games anyway because they’re fun. As I recall, the original chronology was:

          Link To The Past > Legend of Zelda > Zelda 2

    After that it gets tricky. Ocarina of Time could be part of that canon, but it’s hard to tell where it would fit in, and Majora’s Mask has almost nothing to do with the rest of the series. By the time Wind Waker came out, Nintendo had entirely abandoned the idea that you were still playing as Link from the original NES game and instead decided that you were simply the Hero of Time, a fairy boy in a green tunic who was reborn every century or so in order to defeat various reincarnations of Ganondorf.

  • Posted by Tebor on June 20th, 2005 at 10:48 pm  

    Ah, the ever popular Zelda II timeline. I wrote quite a powerful fanfic back in the day about that. By the end of Zelda II there are 2 Princess Zelda’s running around: the one you save in game one and the second is the original Zelda who was put to sleep by an evil magician. That’s why Zelda II ends the series, because having two heirs to the throne would cause WAR!!! Massive, massive WAR!!! I think that’d make a kick @$$ Zelda game, but I guess fighting Ganon(dorf) is more important… phooy!

  • Posted by Syd Lexia on June 20th, 2005 at 11:13 pm  

    I think the most compelling moment in that Zelda timeline comes from Super Smash Brothers Melee, when a rip in the space-time continuum forced Link to face off against his bratty younger counterpart and Jigglypuff on the Planet Zebes. Link eventually won the battle, but only after Dr. Mario came to his aid.

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