Fun With Search Engines #18: Parse error. UNKNOWN SUBTITLE.

Filed under: FWSE — Syd Lexia @ 5:11 pm

      Welcome to FWSE, a weekly phenomenon here at where I whine about how many pedophiles and hentai enthusiasts have visited my site. This is the 18th installment, but I’m going to pass on the obligatory Alice Cooper reference; you don’t even get Black ‘N Blue. This is the search report for May 1st through May 7th. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines. BEGIN!

1. white house chief of state - Currently? That would be President Bush, although rarely is he ever referred to as that. The title this person was looking for is White House Chief of Staff. Originally, I was going to rip into this person. Then I discovered I had fucked up while typing my Bad Dudes article. It’s fixed now, but Google has yet to cache the new version.

2. weirdest movie ever made - Yeah, cuz that’s easily quantifiable. I’m pretty sure the weirdest movie ever made is The Greatest Story Ever Told. Max von Sydow as Jesus, what the fuck is that? von Sydow was much more believable as the devil in Needful Things. That wasn’t the only bizarre casting choice, either. Charlton Heston as John The Baptist? Pat FUCKING Boone as the risen Jesus? Kojak as Pontius Pilate? I think John Wayne was in there somewhere too. Only one word can sum up this movie: GARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!

3. dominatrixes and face sitting - Again, GARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!

4. naked princess peach & princess zelda - First of all, get a life. Secondly, Zelda’s not even that hot. She wasn’t bad in the cartoon, but her officially sanctioned renderings leave much to be desired. The ranch girl in Ocarina of Time was so much prettier. But again, video game porn is fucking stupid. In fact, the only thing more retarded than video game porn is sexually provactive video games. I can say without any shred of uncertainty that Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball is the most shameful excuse for a video game that I’ve ever seen, and I’ve played Wayne’s World, Hudson Hawk, and Knight Rider.

5. book about michael jacksons pedophile - A little known fact about Michael Jackson is that he actually has a pedophile on his payroll. Billy Badtouch a is fully licensed assraper who won NAMBLA’s coveted Boyfucker Of The Year award in 1997 and 2001. The prosecution in the current Jackson trial really screwed up by failing to call this guy as a witness. I don’t know if there’s a book specifically about Michael Jackon’s pedophile, but he can be found in the Who’s Who In Child Sodomy reference book that Marquis publishes ever year.

6. 90s pop culture - What is Crystal Clear Pepsi? I’ll take Sean Connery Movie Quotes for $1000, Alex.

7. plantman marvel - Usually when a visitor comes to my site because of Plantman, it’s because they’re looking for something related to the shitty Gary Young song. On rare occasions, someone comes here looking for information on the shitty Mega Man villain featured in my article on the Robot Masters. As it turns out, there was also a Marvel Comics villain known as Plantman. Surprisingly, he’s actually really cool. Despite his obscurity, Plantman is better than Magneto, Galactus, Apocalypse, and Venom combined. Just kidding. Marvel’s Plantman sucks ass too.

      I suck at writing FWSE closings, but I still insist on doing them. This search report is over. I’ll have something better up soon.


  • Posted by S. McCracken on May 13th, 2005 at 12:55 pm  

    Yes, I finally got around to registering at this site. There was a checkbox on the Sex Offender Registry, so I figured “what the hell?” Anywho…wow, Plantman is gay. Even El Seed was better than him.

    Did Marvel really need THREE Vultures? Hell no.

  • Posted by Tebor on May 15th, 2005 at 2:48 am  

    First, I would totally “do” Zelda from Captain N’s TV show (during the Captain N crossovers, not the separate cartoon in the same series as in the separate cartoon Zelda is like 13-15, and in Captain N she’s 17-19).

    Second, I think we are forgetting Max Von Sydow’s other TOTALLY AWESOME roles. Like Chief Justice Fargo in Judge Dredd, Father Merrin in The Exorcist, Antonius Block in The Seventh Seal, King Osric (who may have died) in Conan The Barbarian, and finally MING THE MERCILESS in the movie that STARTED the 80s FLASH GORDON! Geez, the guy’s almost 80 and he still kicks more butt than Connery.

  • Posted by Syd Lexia on May 15th, 2005 at 6:23 am  

    Yeah, Max isn’t a bad actor by any standard, he just doesn’t say Jesus to me. And he was in Dreamscape too.

    I liked how on Captain N the creators felt the need to invent Princess Lana. You know, because apparently there aren’t enough real princesses in video games that they could have used instead. I think they should have gone with Pauline. Poor girl hasn’t worked since Donkey Kong.

  • Posted by BakNBlak on March 22nd, 2006 at 4:30 pm  

    Alice Cooper? Black N’Blue? What about Skid Row?

  • Posted by Syd Lexia on March 22nd, 2006 at 7:21 pm  

    18 And Life? You’ve got it.

  • Posted by BakNBlak on March 22nd, 2006 at 10:42 pm  

    Poor Ricky. That’s what he gets for screwing around with handguns.

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