OMG! Look at the date!!!

Filed under: Stuff — Syd Lexia @ 5:26 pm

      Whoa, it’s April 20th. That’s like… 4/20.
      I’m not above much. Since I launched the site I have said and done things that might shock, offend, or otherwise confuse some people. For example, I have:

1. Referenced skullfucking at least once
2. Turned Kirby into a vulgar drunken bastard
3. Beat down Garfield outside Crosstown High
4. Played some really bad Commodore 64 games
5. Proudly proclaimed that I’m not an organ donor
6. Drank a bottle of Pepsi Free that was over 20 years old.

      However, I am above pot jokes. There will be no How High review today. In fact, if I ever review How High, it’s a coded message. In the unlikely event that Method Man or Redman show up on the main page, you should assume that I am injured or dead and that terrorists have taken over the site. CALL THE POLICE!

      I am not above pope jokes however. Joseph Ratzinger has become Pope Benedict XVI. Fantastic. For the second papacy in a row, the Italians have been shut out of St. Peter’s Basilica. The Italians are pissed, and well they should be. They had the perfect candidate: Super Mario!

      Mario had been a dark horse for the papacy from the beginning; his moderate views, warm smile, and take-charge attitude made him a favorite among Catholics hoping for softened stances on birth control and homosexuality from The Church. Despite Mario’s failure to win the hearts and votes of the College of Cardinals, the plumber will still play pontiff in Nintendo’s upcoming RPG, Paper Mario 3: Papal Mario.

      The chances of Mario becoming pope in the future are surprisingly good. While Mario is a timeless hero, Ratzinger is 78; the chances that Benedict XVI will survive another five years are marginal at best. Another bonus for Mario is that Ratzinger has drawn surprisingly little heat from the media over his time in the Hitler Youth. Mario has also shown support for Nazism in the past: under the not-so-clever alias of Dr. Mario Goebbels, Princess Peach’s paid protector sold Hitler his patented Megavitamins. Megavitamins gave Nazi troops the speed and stamina necessary to achieve blitzkrieg. Mario parted ways with the Nazis and renounced their cause when he discovered his longtime rival Wario was also on Hitler’s payroll.


  • Posted by Tebor on April 21st, 2005 at 11:24 pm  

    1. Referenced skullfucking at least once

    2. Turned Kirby into a vulgar drunken bastard
    -One of the top 3 best web comics right now!

    3. Beatdown Garfield outside Crosstown High
    -Beat down is two words.

    4. Played some really bad Commodore 64 games
    -Is it really that bad?

    5. Proudly proclaimed that I’m not an organ donor
    -Neither am I. If I’m not buried complete, my soul won’t be on the other side. Screw the dying! I’m already dead!

    6. Drank a bottle of Pepsi Free that was over 20 years old.
    -I am forever greatful for this.

    However, there is one thing I can’t forgive you for… MARIO IS FROM BROOKLYN! Not Italy. Actually, he was born in the mushroom kingdom and sent to live in the real world, according to some Mario game which wasn’t Mario is Missing. Okay, I guess it doesn’t matter.

  • Posted by Syd Lexia on April 22nd, 2005 at 12:10 am  

          1. You’re right, in verb form beat down is two words and that is what I should’ve used. Beatdown can be a noun though.

          2. Mario was definitely from Brooklyn in the various cartoon series as well as the live action movie. The character was called Jumpman in 1981’s Donkey Kongand then renamed after Mario Segali, Nintendo’s Italian landlord at the New York offices they rented in the early 80s. If he is not 100% Italian, Mario’s name and appearance would at least suggest that he is Italian-American. When speaking of one’s cultural heritages, it is not improper to speak as though you were actually from the countries of your ancestors. Thus, an Italian-American could reasonably refer to himself as Italian.

          Another problem arises in the fact that the movie and cartoons aren’t considered to be part of official Mario canon and the plumber’s limited audio clips within games are delivered with a cartoonishly stereotypical Italian accent. If indeed we are to believe that Mario lives in Brooklyn then the only way to account for his accent would be tp surmise that he was born in Italy and then immigrated to the United States. Since his-a accent is also not indigenous to the Mushroom Kingdom, it’s hard to argue that he was born there and then sent to Brooklyn. In simple mathematical terms, the equation is this:

          Italian accent = Italian

          Of course, since none of Mario’s adventures take place in the real world (except for Mario is Missing which is actually a Luigi adventure), there is little chance that his exact origins will ever be fully confirmed. Besides, video game companies have a tendency of altering timelines and storylines as they see fit. For example, in the original 1988 U.S. release of Super Mario Bros. 2, the egg-spitting miniboss Birdo was a boy who wore a pink bow in his hair because he thought he was a girl. In later games such as Super Mario Advance, Mario Kart: Double Dash, and Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga, Birdo was said to be a girl. However, one thing remains certain: I have played an obscene amount of Mario games.

  • Posted by Tebor on April 27th, 2005 at 12:05 am  

    Dude, it’s been too many days. We need an update. Life’s too tragic without you. Who do you need killed to get an update?

  • Posted by Syd Lexia on April 27th, 2005 at 2:10 pm  

    I am working on stuff as we speak. It’s taking a lot longer than I hoped it would.

  • Posted by bloohoo1248 on September 5th, 2008 at 9:26 pm  

    What exactly is this post supposed to celebrate? :?:

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