SydLexia.com

9/30/2005

Guess what? Color bars fucking suck.

Filed under: Stuff — Syd Lexia @ 8:50 pm

      Color bars are the bane of my existence. If you’re unfamiliar with them, they’re these stupid theme graphics that sad little teenage girls use to decorate their MySpace profiles and LiveJournal user info pages and they look like this:
 
 


Linday Lohan is love.

 

Labyrinth is love.

      As you can see, the name “color bar” is derived from the fact that they use several themed graphics in a red-orange-yellow-green-blue-purple progression of colors. Each one is also accompanied by a sentence that contains the phrase “is love”. Some of the more pretentious ones include additional adjectives, for example a Boy Meets World color bar might be chaperoned by this phrase: “Boy Meets World is Feenyfied love.” The damn things make no fucking sense whatsoever; very few of the images ever have anything to do with love. I have spared you the horror of the absolute worst ones, which are just rainbow montages of shirtless Johnny Depps and Orlando Blooms.

      I really don’t see the point of this crap. Labyrinth is one of my all-time favorite movies, but I would never feel the need to display a retarded little graphic in my profile promoting it and if by some chance I did, I still wouldn’t try to classify the movie as the embodiment of love. There’s something dreadfully creepy and Orwellian about throwing around the word “love” for no good reason. Being a realist, I know that I can never fully destroy these stupid fucking IS LOVE color bars, but I *can* wage war against theme with a NEW line of color bars. To replace the pussy ass bullshit color bars that plague the internet, let me introduce my line of IS MURDER color bars:
 
 

Fear Darryl Revok
Scanners is telepathic exploding head murder.

To use this color bar, copy and paste the following code onto your page:

 

Here's to you... sucking my dick!
Ford Fairlane is sexist murder.

To use this color bar, copy and paste the following code onto your page:

 

Hosted by SydLexia.com
Mario is murder.

To use this color bar, copy and paste the following code onto your page:

 
      I might make some more, but until then, I implore everyone out there to make their own. Please note that just like the IS LOVE color bars, your color bar is not required to actually depict any sort of murder; my Ford Fairlane bar is an example of this. Anyone can get free image hosting through Photobucket, so you really don’t have any excuse not to make some. In addition to fighting gayness, this campaign strives to bring meaning back to the phrase “IS MURDER”. Whiny little animal rights activists and war protesters have had been bandying these words about like there’s no tomorrow. It’s time for REAL men to finally take them back. Murder isn’t something as trivial as fur, meat, or oil; it’s Freddy Fucking Krueger. Now get to work.