That’s right, it’s time once again for Fun With Search Engines. Unlike other recent editions of FWSE, this one isn’t coming to you a week or more after the primary data was collected. So that’s nice, right? For anyone currently unaware of Fun With Search Engines, it’s a weekly SydLexia.com where I review some of the keywords that visitors to this site typed into search engines such as Google and Yahoo. This report is for the week starting 9/11/05 and ending 9/17/05. As always, these are all real searches; I have not made them up.
1. kristin cavalleri naked - Maybe someday. That is the only proper use for her.
2. tmnt iv movie - Dear Christ, please no. TMNT3 was really, really not good. I don’t know where they could possibly go for IV and I don’t want to see Ninja Turtles doing stuff that doesn’t involve living in sewers and fighting Shredder ever again. Anyway, the heroes on the halfshell aren’t popular enough that they’d do another live action movie. If there was a feature length TMNT adventure, it would be a direct-to-video animated movie based on the more recent series.
3. mario fucking peach for 1 up - Yes, yes, we’ve all seen it. Har dee fucking har. I wouldn’t even really call that fucking, it’s more like dry humping.
4. preteens fucking preteens - As if this search wasn’t vile enough on its own, it came on September 11th. That’s right, when most people were remembering one of the worst terrorist attacks in history, some asshole was looking for highly illegal and disgusting porn. If you’re out reading this, you goddam son of a bitch, I want you to consider this: the crazed Islam fundamentalists who attacked America on 09/11/01 find Britney Spears videos to be inappropriate to the point of vulgarity. Can you even begin to imagine what they’d do if they got their hands on YOU?
5. jill valentine hentai - Much like Phoebe Cates in Gremlins, Jill Valentine does not have time to get nude and lewd because she’s too busy running for her life. Also, she has to conserve ammo. I don’t know how that’s relevant to what I was just talking about, but it’s true nonetheless.
6. elecman hitler - Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks that Elecman is giving the ol’ Seig Heil.
7. how to gemini man - Let’s pretend for a minute that Gemini Man is a verb. OK, I can solve this problem. In order to properly Gemini Man, one must split himself into two copies, one real and one fake, and then run around like a fucking retard until someone kills you with Search Snakes.
FWSE #34 has ended, so the time has come again for us to say goodbye. Tune in next week when Fun With Search Engines might suck just a little less. In the meantime, here’s a comic.