Welcome to a very special double episode of Fun With Search Engines. And what makes it special? How about the fact that I’m a lazy ass and I skipped a week. So this edition of FWSE will cover from the two weeks between August 21st and September 3rd. For anyone just joining us, FWSE is a (usually) weekly feature where I review some of the queries that visitors to my site typed into search engines. Some of them are funny, some of them are weird, and some of them are both. Some of them are also very mundane. I try and pick out some of the best ones to share, but going through hundreds of search engines queries takes forever, so that doesn’t always happen. Anyway, let’s go. Are you excited? I’m excited.
1. mousetrap game example unnecessarily complicated machine - It’s an example of a Rube Goldberg device. Other famous examples include Doc Brown’s dog-feeding machine from Back To The Future or Pee Wee’s breakfast machine from Peewee’s Big Adventure. There was probably also at least one Rube Goldberg device in Chairman of the Bored, but fuck you if you think I’m gonna watch it again to confirm.
2. japanese schoolgirls like candy - NEWSFLASH: Everyone fucking likes candy. Even diabetics, that’s why so many of them die. And if anime is any indication of the truth, then Japanese schoolgirls like many other things besides candy. Like getting penetrated in every orifice at once with candy. And that’s why I hate the Japanese; they can take two awesome things (candy, hot girls in short skirts) and turn it into a scary ball of awfulness.
3. hulk yell low - Maybe I’m mistaken to think this, but when I see those words, I think of famed wrestler Hulk Hogan whose tradmark colors were red and YELLOW. If so, that is the absolute saddest attempt to spell yellow since Coca-Cola’s Mountain Dew rip-off
4. cleaning 8 bit games - Back in the day, the classic method for cleaning games was blowing into the cartridge. This is actually bad for them and Nintendo later warned against it in N64 instruction manuals. The correct method for cleaning cartridges involves Q-Tips and rubbing alcohol. Or you can buy the official NES cleaning kit which is just a more expensive version of the method above. So uh, don’t buy it.
5. samus aran hentai - How would tell be able to tell it was Samus if she wasn’t wearing her trademark suit? You know, the one that covers all her naughty bulbous areas?
6. scientology sucks - I agree (with apologies to Tom Cruise and John Travolta).
7. moonwalker is a video game - False! I mean true! It’s true! Fuck, I always get this question wrong.
8. emo band names - It amuses me that a random joke that has very little to do with the site is now scoring me some hits.
9. make a ninja mask not from a t shirt - Uh, WHAT!? I was unaware that you make t-shirts into ninja masks at all. Apparently you can and this search query seems to imply that it is such a predominat source of ninja masks that one needs to specifically search for ninja masks NOT made from them. I’m scared and confused by this search. No wait, I’m largely apathetic to it.
10. strawberries smell - Lots of things smell, you dumbass.
And I’m done with this. Tune in next week when I just might smash my keyboard in disgust. If that happens, expect pictures and a PayPal link to follow.