In my desperate rush to produce an article that still remains unfinished, I somehow missed an FWSE. As a result, this super edition of Fun With Search Engines will cover two weeks, starting with 6/19 and going up through 7/02. If you’re unfamiliar with FWSE, here’s how it works. Every week I review my site logs and see what sort of keywords people who found my site through search engines used. Then I list whichever ones strike my fancy and comment on them, which usually means I degrade some idiot who was searching for hentai, MTV’s Boiling Points, or something equally retarded. So once again, these are all actual searches that visitors to my site typed into search engines; I am not making this shit up. Dig it? Then let’s begin.
1. legend of zelda tips - Aside from a FAQ that tells you the location of that last fucking heart container that you just can’t seem to find or a dungeon location in the second quest, what possible help could anyone need with original The Legend of Zelda game? None, unless you’re functionally retarded. If that’s the case, here are my Top Secret Legend of Zelda Tips.
2. plumber fucking video game - Pass.
3. streets of rage - There’s nothing funny about this search, but it does give me the opportunity to talk about how fucking pissed I am at Sega of America right now. In August, Sega will be releasing an old school gaming collection for the Gamecube called Sonic Gems that includes some of the more obscure Sonic titles like Sonic CD and Sonic R. The Japanese version of the game will include ALL THREE STREETS OF RAGE. When I first heard about this, I was pretty friggin’ psyched. Sadly it has since been reported that the limp-wristed morons at Sega of America were worried about getting a teen rating so they replaced the three Streets of Rage games with both Vectorman games. Not only are North Americans getting a worse series, we’re also getting one less game. This pisses me off for several reasons. First of all, Streets of Rage isn’t particularly violent and Sega probably could have pushed for an E10+ rating if they had been so inclined. Secondly, WHO FUCKING CARES IF THE GODDAM GAME WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A TEEN RATING? Maybe I’m missing something here, but I don’t think six-year-olds are gonna line up to play Sonic CD. The game is damn fun, but the graphics are pretty dated and children are stupid, fickle bastards. Sonic Mega Collection already gave us all the essential games, the ones that most people want to play. A collection like Sonic Gems appeals to nostalgists, retro gamers, and Sega’s hardcore fanbase. And guess what? NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE UNDER THIRTEEN. I’m mad as hell about this but I’m not surprised. Sega is notorious for making bad business decisions. When will those assholes learn? Will it be soon?
4. bowser fucks princess peach - Well, in Super Mario Sunshine, Bowser did claim that Princess Peach was Bowser Junior’s mother. He was lying, of course. I wanna know what happened to the Koopa Kids, they were infinitely better than Bowser Junior.
5. is it bad to put magnets on your computer tower - No, by all means go ahead. Although magnets have been known to ruin monitors and floppy disks, if you stick one on the side of your computer, it will actually make your processor go faster. Magnetic fields have also been known to retrieve documents that you forgot to save as well as protect you from all known computer viruses. Hell, you really can’t afford NOT to put magnets on your computer tower.
6. michael jackson baby rape game - Even bad taste has its limits. DIE.
7. every show that’s ever been on nickelodeon - I know I can fucking do this. Let’s see… there was Cousin Skeeter, Guts, Don’t Just Sit There, Super Sloppy Double Dare, The Tomorrow People, Pinwheel, Today’s Special, The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo, Count Duckula, Bananaman, Get the Picture, Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea, Hey Dude, The Monkees, Dennis the Menace, Lassie, Kablam!, The Fairly OddParents, and Roundhouse. There, that’s all of them. Oh wait, and Global Guts too. Do I win anything?
8. Is diet coke going to change the kind of sweetner used - I would hope that after the whole New Coke fiasco that Coca-Cola learned their fucking lesson about changing the formula in popular drinks. Splenda is fucking crap and if that shit somehow becomes the industry standard, I’ll go Rambo on someone’s ass.
9. pussy punch dirty fighter - I have no idea what in the hell someone would expect to find with a query like this, but it reminds me of Jack Black’s song from the Mr. Show movie, Run Ronnie Run.
10. she finishes him off - This is a really vague search and I have no way of ever knowing what the person was looking for, especially because it came through Google Italia. But since an estimated 75% of people on the internet are peverted retards, I’m gonna assume it had something to do with handjobs. Instead, my Mortal Kombat article came up and I got a hit that I didn’t really earn. Sweet for me, disappointing for masturbating Italians.
I’m done with this. If you’re looking for something else to entertain you, Part XIII of the NES Drinking Saga is up. I’ll have some new articles up soon. They’re already way overdue and I apologize. I’ve been in a summer slump of laziness, but that’s *probably* going to change.