SydLexia.com

5/12/2005

Fun With Search Engines #18: Parse error. UNKNOWN SUBTITLE.

Filed under: FWSE — Syd Lexia @ 5:11 pm

      Welcome to FWSE, a weekly phenomenon here at SydLexia.com where I whine about how many pedophiles and hentai enthusiasts have visited my site. This is the 18th installment, but I’m going to pass on the obligatory Alice Cooper reference; you don’t even get Black ‘N Blue. This is the search report for May 1st through May 7th. As always, these are real keywords that visitors to the site typed into search engines. BEGIN!

1. white house chief of state - Currently? That would be President Bush, although rarely is he ever referred to as that. The title this person was looking for is White House Chief of Staff. Originally, I was going to rip into this person. Then I discovered I had fucked up while typing my Bad Dudes article. It’s fixed now, but Google has yet to cache the new version.

2. weirdest movie ever made - Yeah, cuz that’s easily quantifiable. I’m pretty sure the weirdest movie ever made is The Greatest Story Ever Told. Max von Sydow as Jesus, what the fuck is that? von Sydow was much more believable as the devil in Needful Things. That wasn’t the only bizarre casting choice, either. Charlton Heston as John The Baptist? Pat FUCKING Boone as the risen Jesus? Kojak as Pontius Pilate? I think John Wayne was in there somewhere too. Only one word can sum up this movie: GARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!

3. dominatrixes and face sitting - Again, GARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!

4. naked princess peach & princess zelda - First of all, get a life. Secondly, Zelda’s not even that hot. She wasn’t bad in the cartoon, but her officially sanctioned renderings leave much to be desired. The ranch girl in Ocarina of Time was so much prettier. But again, video game porn is fucking stupid. In fact, the only thing more retarded than video game porn is sexually provactive video games. I can say without any shred of uncertainty that Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball is the most shameful excuse for a video game that I’ve ever seen, and I’ve played Wayne’s World, Hudson Hawk, and Knight Rider.

5. book about michael jacksons pedophile - A little known fact about Michael Jackson is that he actually has a pedophile on his payroll. Billy Badtouch a is fully licensed assraper who won NAMBLA’s coveted Boyfucker Of The Year award in 1997 and 2001. The prosecution in the current Jackson trial really screwed up by failing to call this guy as a witness. I don’t know if there’s a book specifically about Michael Jackon’s pedophile, but he can be found in the Who’s Who In Child Sodomy reference book that Marquis publishes ever year.

6. 90s pop culture - What is Crystal Clear Pepsi? I’ll take Sean Connery Movie Quotes for $1000, Alex.

7. plantman marvel - Usually when a visitor comes to my site because of Plantman, it’s because they’re looking for something related to the shitty Gary Young song. On rare occasions, someone comes here looking for information on the shitty Mega Man villain featured in my article on the Robot Masters. As it turns out, there was also a Marvel Comics villain known as Plantman. Surprisingly, he’s actually really cool. Despite his obscurity, Plantman is better than Magneto, Galactus, Apocalypse, and Venom combined. Just kidding. Marvel’s Plantman sucks ass too.

      I suck at writing FWSE closings, but I still insist on doing them. This search report is over. I’ll have something better up soon.