After well over two months of the news section being fucked up, it is finally time once again for Fun With Search Engines, the recurring site feature where I take a look at some of the keywords that brought visitors to the site. This FWSE report is for the giant period of time starting on September 14th and ending November 29th. As always, these are all real searches.
1. why don’t link and zelda ever end up together - Haven’t you ever seen the cartoon series? They don’t end up together because Link is arrogant and boastful. Let that be a lesson to all you ballers out there.
2. punny names - I don’t understand what this has to do with my site.
3. homo arcade game - I covered this game in my 2007 article Fifteen Misleading Arcade Game Names.
4. samus aran handjob animation - …and we’re already into hentai searches. Fantastic.
5. how to make a pentagon in logo - In Logo, the angle used to make an equilateral polygon is decided is 360/X where X is the number of sides that the polygon has. Since a pentagon has 5 sides, the correct angle would be 72 degrees. Thus, a good example of an equilateral pentagon could be made with the following command: REPEAT 5 [RT 72 FD 35]
6. where can I buy a blob - From the first shop in the original Legend of Zelda:
7. santa claus fucking carmen - If we’re talking about Carmen Sandiego, she has no interest in having sex with real live men; that’s why she stole the North Pole.
8. the most imitated nude site - It’s whoever was the first site to do that whole “These Are Real Girls We Picked Up Off The Streets And Not Paid Actors, We Swear, Even Though You’re Going Them On A Similar Site Next Week. You Can Tell It’s Not Professional Porn Because We Use Sloppy Camera Angles.” I believe the first such site was either NetVideoGirls or MILF Hunter.
9. well known snes games - If they’re well-known, shouldn’t you know them?
10. pac man life site sydlexia.com - This remains one of my most popular articles.
11. dr. jeebus wakefield - Dr. Jeebus does indeed hail from Wakefield, Massachusetts. However, he doesn’t live here anymore.
12. centipede diagram - I hope this helps:
13. demoralizing posters - You can see a bunch of demotivational posters, including some designed by me, HERE.
14. mortal kombat nudalities - These do not exist.
15. did the n64 have a super scope - Of course not; the Super Scope was the proper name of the official SNES light gun. The real question is this: did the N64 have a light gun? The answer again, would seem to be no. A company called Naki announced plans to release an N64 peripheral called the Lunar Gun in November 1997, but as far as I know, it was never released. If it was, good luck finding it, let alone a game that’s compatible with it. Had the Lunar Gun been released, it was to have retailed for $39.99. Its optional laser sight add-on would have been $34.99.
16. bryan danielson has no charisma - I have no idea who that is, but I agree!
17. young girls who beg their brothers to fuck them - Oh internet, how I hate you. It’s stuff like this that makes me wish God would smite our society.
18. drinking old pepsi - Drinking old Pepsi is a bad idea. I should know.
19. sydlexia will soon be mine - Is that a threat, or are you coming on to me? Either way, I’m a little worried about this search.
20. stunt dawgs cartoon t-shirt - I don’t know where to get Stunt Dawgs merchandise, but I totally want some.
21. lewis carroll zodiac killer - This is an interesting theory. Let’s take a look at it more closely. The Zodiac Killer claimed his first victim in 1968; Lewis Carroll died in 1898. So yeah, I don’t think that Lewis Carroll was the Zodiac Killer. It is also unlikely that he was Jack The Ripper, but some scholars insist that he was.
22. singing orange from sesame street - You can see that and seven other creepy Sesame Street clips in my feature on how Sesame Street ruined my entire fucking life.
23. down the basement lock the cellar door - and baby, talk dirty to me.
24. why does the nes suck so bad - It doesn’t. YOU suck.
25. avoid the noid - You should. He’s fucked in the head:
26. nudity in arcade games illegal - Nudity in arcade games isn’t illegal and several notorious adult-themed arcade games exist, most notably the Gals Panic series. However, the mainstream arcades of the 1980s and early 1990s didn’t dare to stock such games, as they already received plenty of trouble from perturbed parents and angry activists over the truancy their addictive arcade games caused and the violence contained within said games. Stocking such games would also have potentially forced arcade owners to make their establishments 18+, severely hurting their profitability.
27. a momentary lapse of reason review - Hey, remember when I used to do album reviews?
28. black guy punches clown - Why does he have to be black? Punching clowns is something that people of all colors and ethnicities can enjoy.
29. how to kill the bear alex the kidd miracle+world - Run up to him as soon as you see him and punch him over and over. If your time it properly, he won’t get a chance to swing his sword.
30. guns end roses - Yes they do. But aside from Hi-Tech Expressions version of Mega Man 3, you really don’t see it happen all that often.
31. mcdonalds halloween buckets - Despite being two years old, my article on the McDonald’s Halloween Pails did fantastic traffic this October.
32. kara beth borden - You know, if it wasn’t for Encyclopedia Dramatica, I don’t think anyone would even remember Kara Borden.
33. rape ayumi don’t rape ayumi game - The game featured in the famous demotivational meme is called Tokimeki Check-In.
34. smoke comes to fight now and his first move is a bloody uppercut in johnny cage - I’d say this search sounds like bad fan fiction, but that would be redundant.
35. which mega man game was the best - Some people will tell you that Mega Man 2 was the best; they’re wrong. Mega Man 3 was the best.
36. how to pronounce mephisto - It’s pronounched meh-FIST-oh.
37. heathcliff cat rhyme - One, two, Heathcliff’s coming for you. Three, four, better lock your door. Five, six, get a catnip fix. Seven, eight, shut the gate. Nine, ten, never sleep again.
38. mortal kombat deception moves list - The game has a moves list built into it. Press Start during a match to access it. That, or go to GameFAQs.
39. earthworm jim hentai - Worms are hermaphroditic, so accurate Earthworm Jim hentai would be pretty fucked up. Like, moreso than regular hentai.
40. what film did not have arnold’s voice in it - If we’re talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger, the film in question would be Hercules in New York. The director was so frustrated with Arnold’s accent, that he dubbed some other guy over all of Arnold’s lines. Luckily, he preserved the original voice track, and the DVD release of the film gives you the option of listening to either Arnold or the dub; both are equally hilarious.
41. kidnapped kids ninja nes - That would be Wrath of the Black Manta:
42. mega man 1 beat 8 robot masters - There are only six Robot Masters in the original Mega Man, so good luck trying to beat eight.
43. unblockable porn sites - “There are no unlockable doors. There are no unwinnable wars. There is no unpoppable corn or unblockable porn.” - Ozzy Osbourne
44. vgcats hentai - Thankfully, I’m pretty sure the internet has not yet reached the point where bored amateur artists are turning webcomics into hentai.
45. are you afraid of the dark trapped in a mall - That would be the final episode from Season 1, The Tale of the Pinball Wizard. I wrote an article on it.
46. rosa parks hentai - Um… seriously? I think this wins the award for MOST AWFUL INTERNET SEARCH EVER.
47. mindfuck - Ok, so a long time ago, three super hot lesbians decided to rent a room at an inn. The innkeeper told them that it would cost 30 GP for a room at the inn. Being lesbians, they agreed to split the bill evenly. Shortly after the innkeeper gave them the key to the room, he realized he had made a terrible mistake: he had forgotten that the inn had changed its rate from 30 GP to 25 GP. Unable to leave the desk himself, the innkeeper gave the 5 GP to his stable boy and told him to bring it to the three girls. The stable boy, realizing that 5 GP doesn’t split evenly among three women, pocketed 2 GP and gave the remaining 3 GP back to the girls. However, this causes a serious mathematical problem. You see, each girl ended up paying 9 GP for the room, for a total of 27 GP. The stable boy pocketed the remaining 2 GP. However, 27 and 2 only adds up to 29, and the girls originally paid 30 GP. So then, what happened to the missing piece of gold? OH MY GOD, IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!!!
48. board games are better than video games - I disagree.
49. day of the dinosaur t-shirt - I have that shirt! It hasn’t fit me in damn near 20 years!
50. heathcliff the cat for president - Cats can’t be president, especially cartoon ones. Especially cartoon cats animated in Japan. Especially when both the creator of the comic strip (Peter Gallagher) and the character’s voice (Mel Blanc) are dead.
51. penis - Yell it in the lunchroom as loud as you can.
52. best nes games - I’ve got you covered.
53. 100 greatest snes games - I’ve got you covered on that, too.
54. super mario bros second quest - It’s exactly like the first quest, except the elevators are shorter, there are more spinning fire sticks in the castles, and the Goombas have all been replaced with Buzzy Beetles.
55. sun water moon star sun moon water fish star fish - That’s the solution to the final room in Alex Kidd in Miracle World.
56. homemade wife’s christmas fuck present - I bet there’s a “No Exchange, No Return” policy on that.
57. power rangers episodes - I prefer psychotic episodes.
58. you’re something of the most important in my fucking life - Thanks?
59. sly cooper porn - You know, it’s kinda funny. I get a lot of searches for Sly Cooper hentai, but I have not ever played a Sly Cooper game in my entire life, nor do I ever plan to.
60. gorilla hand ashtray - That sounds pretty badass. I’m gonna take up smoking so that I have an excuse to get one.
61. pepsi secret ingredient - The secret ingredient is love, dammit!
62. i don’t know - Me either!
63. hillary clinton chocolate chip cookies - I’m pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies.
64. salute your shorts - I’d rather not.
65. best christmas films - Here’s my list.
66. arcade game where you had to dodge sparx - That would be Qix:
67. nes space shooter - Abadox? Gradius? Life Force? The Last Starfighter? Star Force? Star Soldier? Star Star Who’s Got The Star?
68. michael jackson moonwalker arcade game - I love that game.
69. iggy - Pop or Koopa?
70. how can i thank god enough for you - Send me money.
71. axl rose chinese democracy - Chinese Democracy is currently available at Best Buy and on iTunes. Buy it!
72. best christmas love story - Little Christmas Tail starring Debi Diamond, Angela Summers, and Alicyn Sterling.
73. revolution x - MUSIC IS THE WEAPON!
74. you said you didn’t want to hurt me - Yeah, well, I lied.
75. november rain - For some indeterminable reason, there were a lot of searches for this last month.
76. erin esurance nude hentai fucking - You knew it was coming.
This FWSE has ended. Go in peace to love and serve pop culture.