You know what I didn't try? GO STAIRS. Incidentally, that just so happens to be the command line that I needed. The game accepts UP and GO STEPS as well. But not NORTH. Oh well, at least I'm on a new screen now. There's a door and a welcome mat. Having played hundreds of video games, I am going to guess that the door is locked and the key is under the doormat. Still, it wouldn't hurt to at least *try* to open the door.


Holy shit, the door opened! It would appear that this game is pretty easy once you master the lingo. Now I guess I'll enter the house...


The game still doesn't want to respond to NORTH. I'll try UP, the command that I failed to use on the last screen.


      Goddammit, here we go again. Why is the game so freaking retarded? UP should work, you know, seeing as I want my character to go up through the doorway and INTO THE FREAKING HOUSE!!!


      It looks like ENTER DOOR is the command I needed. As soon as I enter the house, the door locks behind me. Oh shit, I'm trapped in the house! You know, or not. I seem to recall seeing windows on the outside of the house. If I really wanted to escape, I could just slip out through one of the first floor windows. But I don't want to do that; I want to solve a goddam mystery. Let's see what secrets Mystery House holds...


      I am in the house's entry hall. I can see the seven other guests who were described to me in the game's instructions. Since we're all together, no one's gonna try anything funny. Now might be a good time to try and learn a little bit more about the other characters. I guess I'll try to be friendly.


I tried to say HI to the other guests, but once again, Mystery House doesn't understand the command. I'm getting sick of this.


Maybe HI didn't work because it's vernacular English and not proper English. I decided to try TALK, hoping that might work. It didn't.


     Maybe I need to be more specific. TALK GUEST? Nope.


      OK, clearly this isn't working. Maybe I should try something else. Maybe if I LOOK around the room, the game will give me a clue. Nope. Mystery House informs me that there's "nothing special" in the room. Are you fucking *kidding* me? First of all, there's seven people in the room. Second of all, there's a big obvious note on the floor. You can tell it's a note because it's rectangular. Also, it has the word NOTE written on it in big fucking letters. Since the game clearly won't let me talk to the other guests, I guess I'll take the note...


      Wait, I changed my mind. I'm sorry, but I really want to talk to the guests. I don't know anything about any of them besides their name, profession, and hair color. A good murder mystery has plenty of character development, that way you actually give a shit when people start turning up dead. This isn't a big secret either, it's Writing 101. In fact, even the shittiest of horror movies spend plenty of time developing the characters. I'm looking at you, Alien vs. Predator. So I figured maybe I should try and talk to a *specific* guest. Unfortunately, the game doesn't understand TALK JOE either. Fuck it, I'll just take the note.


Here's a screenshot of me typing TAKE NOTE into the command prompt. I sure hope it works.


      I took the note. I also took a Xanax. I guess it's time to READ the note.


      I just learned two very interesting things. First of all, there are valuable jewels hidden somewhere in Mystery House. Secondly, Roberta Williams can't freehand an O, an R, and S, or a U. Coincidentally, those letters spell SOUR, which is what my mood was before I took that Xanax. Thank you, delicious Xanax. I will find those jewels, dear readers. This I promise. But first, I'm gonna go EAST.


      Now I'm in a library, or so I've been told. By my count, there are only six books. If six books constitutes a library, my bathroom is twice the library the Mystery House library could ever hope to be, and mine has porn. There's also another note on the ground. I think I'll take it.


      As soon as I take the note, I am informed that it's getting dark outside. Seeing as I'm in house, I don't see why I should care. After all, houses usually have electricity. Since I have not specifically been told that this house doesn't have electricity, it is reasonable for me to assume that it does. Nightfall could become a problem if I decide to go wandering around in the forest next to the house, but until then I should be fine. In the meantime, I guess I'll read the new note.


      Hey, this is the same note I already fucking read! Oh wait. I seem to recall the game instructions saying that if you carry more than one note, the game will randomly pick one to read. The same holds true for the DROP command, so if I'm going to play the odds, I guess I should do it with READ. I've got a 50/50 chance of reading the new note, so this shouldn't take too long.


Try #2: The old note again.


Try #3: DAMMIT!


Try #4: I am officially the unluckiest person in the world.


Try #5: Nightfall has set in and I can no longer see anything. Now I'll have to stumble blindly around the house and hope I find something. FUCK!!!


Oh right... I can't type FUCK.