Contra: The Man's Guide To Fucking Like A Porn Star
When porn star Jenna Jameson wrote her autobiography, she decided to title it "How To Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale". Unfortunately for aspiring porn stars, the book focuses primarily on its subtitle. It is the story of Jenna's extremely crappy life and her rise to stardom, with a few celebrity penis sizes thrown in there for good measure. But if you're looking for useable advice on how to please a woman who's had more massive dicks in her than the United States Capitol, this book is not going to help you. For that sort of advice, there's only one sensible place to turn: the NES game Contra. Unlikely as it may seem, you will find the basic eight tenets of superior sexual intercourse embedded within the gameplay of Konami's classic run and gun. Just trust me on this one; I've never ever lied to you before. What, you want a detailed explanation or something? Well, then I guess you should keep reading.
1. Quality Is Just As Important As Duration
It's easy to feel sexually inadequate after watching porn. Not only do the male performers all have eighteen inch dicks, they also fuck for like half an hour straight. And when your personal best is somewhere around the fifteen minute mark, you might start to feel bad about yourself. Well, maybe you shouldn't. Duration is important, but quality is equally important. Adding an extra fifteen minutes of foreplay onto your sexual encounters isn't going to help things if you're not enthusiastic about it. The most important question is this: did your partner enjoy herself? If the answer is yes, then you've done everything that needs to be done. If the answer is no, then it really doesn't matter if you were inside her for three minutes or three hours; you are a terrible lay. See, a lengthy session isn't impressive if you have to keep stopping and then starting up again, and this is just as true for Contra as it for sex. If you use the famous cheat code, then burn through all 30 lives in the first three levels, you are a complete fucking joke. If you beat those same three levels with one life, then maybe you're a worthwhile person.
2. Don't Freak Out When Things Get Freaky
As far as video games go, Contra starts off pretty normal: you find yourself in a jungle fighting humanoid soldiers and automated gun turrets. After you fight your way through the jungle, you find an enemy base, which you then proceed to blow a giant fucking hole in. When you enter the base, things continue on fairly normally until the very last room. After you disable out the flashing targets on the enemy supercomputer, a giant monster head appears and begins spitting blue energy rings at you. After that, things only get weirder. Pretty soon you're fighting aliens, birdmen, flying shrimp, and a gargantuan warrior who throws spiky frisbees at you. When this happens, you have two choices, either wuss out or keep on pushing until you reach the thrilling climax. Sex is just like this. If you're going to fuck like a paid professional, you can't let anything faze you. Sometimes a seemingly normal girl is going to ask to do weird shit. Sometimes you're going to meet a girl who's into cosplay. Sometimes you're going to meet a girl who's into bondage. And sometimes you're going to meet a girl who puts on a bib and bonnet and calls you "daddy". No matter what happens, you've just got to go for it. Most of the time, it'll be fun. If it's not, at least you'll have an interesting story to tell your friends at your favorite bar's weekly team trivia night.
3. Protection Is For Losers
In the real world, when a normal person such as you meets a normal, slightly drunk MILF at a normal Miami bar and successfully convinces her to have some normal sex with you, you use a condom. That's called hedging your bets; you don't know where this chick has been and what sort of horrible venereal diseases she might have. Well, if you want to fuck like a porn star, you can forget that. Unless there's recently been an AIDS scare in the adult film industry or you're some asshole with a Handycam trying to pretend that the woman you're fucking is some random girl you just met five minutes ago and not a failed glamour model who desperately needs the $500 you offered her two days ago when you gave her your business card, porn stars never use condoms. It ruins the moment. Besides, if you don't get the condom off in time, there won't be a money shot. And a porn scene without a money shot is like a world without smiles. In Contra, you are offered protection in the form of two different power-ups, Force Field and Mass Destruction. Just like in the porn industry, this protection is rarely offered. And just like in the porn industry, only complete losers actually use it.
4. It's All About Rhythm
Pleasing a woman is all about rhythm. If you can figure out the pace that she likes and if you can learn to time your moves just right, you will be a winner in the bedroom every time. And while the previous two sentences may have been copied from an e-mail in my spam folder that was likely written by a Korean using Babel Fish, that doesn't make them any less true. Contra, too, is all about rhythm. Some of the bosses may seem difficult to defeat at first, but none of them actually are. Once you learn their patterns, they'll go down faster than a drunken coed who got separated from her friends while bar hopping in Panama City Beach. Hmmm... that analogy might have been just a little too specific. Pretend you can relate.
5. Focus Your Energy On That Little Circular Thing
In the second and fourth levels of Contra, you infiltrate enemy bases and destroy their contents. In each room of these bases, you will find a small variety of different targets competing for your attentions. Depending on which of these targets you choose to attack, the time it will take you to clear each room will vary greatly; if you focus on the never-ending barrage of soldiers that appear, you can spend hours in a single room. But if you want to get things done quickly, go right after the blinking circular targets in each room and you'll be done in no time. The same concept can be applied to sex, only instead of shooting the circular target, you're going to want to give it either oral or digital stimulation. Also, the circular target probably won't blink.
(the circular target is the clitoris)
6. Always Bring A Friend Along
If you want to, you can play Contra by yourself... but why in the fucking hell would you ever want to? Contra is much more fun when your best friend comes over with a case of cheap beer and the two of you team up to absolutely fucking DESTROY the game and bond in a completely normal, completely heterosexual way. And if you want to be remembered as the best fucking fucker who ever fucked, you damn well better bring a friend along with you on all your sexual adventures. It doesn't matter if the girl you're about to tag is some tramp you met at the bar, your stepmom, or your fiancée: there's a chance that she's a nasty girl, and there's a chance that you can get some Eiffel Tower action. And the love you give a woman when you and your pal proudly have your hands proudly raised above her in triumph, that's the greatest love of all. At least, that's what Whitney Houston told me.
7. Spray It Everywhere
In the real world, intercourse generally ends with a fight over whose turn it is to throw away the condom. However, since you've decided you want to fuck like a porn star, and since we've already established that porn stars don't use condoms, you can look forward to a much more pleasant ending to your sexual exploits: the money shot. Your goal in this exercise will be not only to cover your female partner in copious amounts of your semen, but to do so in a manner that completely ruins the otherwise awesome experience you've given her thus far. If at all possible, you should try to get some in her eyes, hair, mouth, and nose; get it everywhere. This same basic principle can be applied to Contra as well: do as much as damage as possible by shooting it everywhere. The only real difference is that you'll be shooting giant red bullets from your Spread Gun instead of unborn children from your Love Gun.
Love Gun® is a registered trademark of KISS Catalog Ltd.
8. GAME OVER
No matter how good you are, you can't fuck like a porn star without a shitload of supplements. You're going to need a steady intake of ginseng and Viagra to improve your stamina, vodka to lower your impossibly high standards, cocaine to keep your weight down so that women might actually be interested in fucking you, and painkillers for all the bumps and bruises you'll inevitably get from trying all that crazy Karma Sutra shit; you're also going to need to eat lots and lots of pineapple. The problem is that all that coke, ginseng, hydrocone, alcohol, and magic boner juice is going to wreak havoc on your body; all that pineapple probably won't help much either. Sooner or later, your heart is going to explode and you're going to die, hopefully leaving a highly traumatized skank lying underneath you. But hey, you had a good run. Similarly, a good run of Contra also ends with a heart exploding. Only in this case, it's the nefarious Red Falcon.
And that's a wrap. Guys, if you follow these eight simple rules, you'll be well on your way to be the next John Holmes, or maybe the next John Leslie. You most certainly will NOT be the next Ron Jeremy though; the cocaine should see to that. And if you don't become a legendary lothario, who the fuck cares? You'll be dead by 45. Go forth from here with the knowledge you've acquired and please as many women as possible. So remember, stay cool, never use a condom, and always bring a friend with you. It works in porn, and I personally guarantee that it will work in real life. This guarantee is not backed by any sort of restitution, monetary or otherwise. Sorry.
Posted by: Syd Lexia
CONSIDER YOURSELF A HERO... IN BED.