Mailbag #1

      Wooooooo! Welcome to the first edition of the mailbag. This is where I will answer various e-mails that I've received, regardless of whether any question was actually asked. All outside links that have not been deemed necessary and proper to the perpetuance of have been removed from the following e-mails. These are all genuine e-mails that I have received in the last month. These messages have not been altered in anyway aside from the aforementioned removed links and they represent an accurate cross-section of the e-mails that I receive. Let's get this trainwreck rolling:


100% legal herbal bud!
herbal buds from Herbal Smoke Shop
mood enhancement products, smoking accessories, & more.

- Legal buds

      Who the hell cares if it's 100% legal? If it's not 100% free, I'm not fucking interested. Even then, I'm not sure I'd be interested. After all, secretly cutting myself with razor blades is 100% free and legal, but I'm not into that shit at all. I guess really don't see pot as being any more fun than cutting myself. Both offer release and escapism, but ultimately they're both a waste of my time. And yours. Don't make me go PSA on your ass.


Mit Jobs - Solutions auf Arbeitsuche weltweit  leicht gemacht !!!!

Finden Sie Ihren nächsten Job unter 16500 Stellenangeboten. Hinter dieser Zahl stehen
direkte Anfragen von internationalen Unternehmen.So kommt jeder ohne Umwege schneller
und einfacher zum Ziel. Die Bewerber zu den besten Jobs, die Unternehmer zu den besten

Jetzt registrieren für nur 4.99  ? und schon kommen die Jobs zu Ihnen !

- Job-Solutions

      Sorry asshole but I don't speak German. Who sent you? Was it Hitler? I bet it was. Ihr Führer ist nicht mein Führer, you Nazi bastard. I will not sieg heil. Not now, not ever. Fuck off.


MS Partner

this is the latest version of security update, the "February 2005, Cumulative Patch" update which resolves all known security vulnerabilities affecting MS Internet Explorer, MS Outlook and MS Outlook Express as well as three newly discovered vulnerabilities. Install now to maintain the security of your computer. This update includes the functionality of all previously released patches.

 System requirements
Windows 95/98/Me/2000/NT/XP
 This update applies to
MS Internet Explorer, version 4.01 and later
MS Outlook, version 8.00 and later
MS Outlook Express, version 4.01 and later
Customers should install the patch at the earliest opportunity.
 How to install
Run attached file. Choose Yes on displayed dialog box.
 How to use
You don't need to do anything after installing this item.





Microsoft Product Support Services and Knowledge Base articles can be found on the Microsoft Technical Support web site. For security-related information about Microsoft products, please visit the Microsoft Security Advisor web site, or Contact Us.

Thank you for using Microsoft products.

Please do not reply to this message. It was sent from an unmonitored e-mail address and we are unable to respond to any replies.

The names of the actual companies and products mentioned herein are the trademarks of their respective owners.

- Program Security Center

      Fucking Microsoft. I tried to install the update that was included with their e-mail and it severely fucked up my computer. Oh wait, no it didn't. Thankfully, I'm not a friggin' retard so I never installed it. AVG Anti-Virus found the I-Worm/Swen.A. virus attached to the file. Does anyone actually fall for stupid shit like this? A recent study by suggests that 9 out of 10 autistic children cannot be persuaded to download fake Microsoft updates, no matter how fiercely their daytime supervisors beat them. Conclusion: You have to be pretty fucked in the head to get infected by an e-mail virus.


<Server Error>

Viruses found in the attached files.
The file intimate Virus identified  I-Worm/Netsky.C. The attachment was moved to the virus vault.


      Another virus, and this one isn't even remotely clever. Why would anyone download a file attached to a message that has the words server error as its full text? Use your fucking brains, people. Jesus Christ.



We tried contacting you awhile ago about your low interest morta(ge rate.
You have qualified for the lowest rate in years...
You could get over $380,000 for as little as $500 a month!
Ba(d credit? Doesn't matter, low rates are fixed no matter what!
To get a free, no obli,gation consultation click below:

<link removed>

Best Regards,

Seymour Bolden

this process takes one week, so please be patient. we do our
best to take your email/s off but you have to fill out a rem/ove
or else you will continue to recieve email/s.

Dear Mr. Bol(den,

Some/thing about your messa,ge seems somewhat unprofes/sional. I can't place my finger on ex(actly what it coul,d be, but I sudden?ly found myself w(on)dering if you had ever re/ad the works of e e cummings. By the way, I don't own a house, you fucking douchebag. I also don't need Xanax or Viagra. You and all your spammer buddies need to do some goddam market research.

Fuck Off And Die,

Syd Lexia


Dear Sir/Madam

I am a senator working in the nigeria congress and seeking your cooperation and assistance in receiving  some funds for me for investments/partnership purpose overseas.The source of the fund was excesses gotten from executed contracts between the period of 1999-2003,which had been moved out and deposited with a security/finance company abroad as photographic materials.

For you  to help/assist me in receiving the funds and invest it into either real estate,buying of stocks/shares,and going into a joint venture with you and your assosciates.I will let you have 30% of the US$35 million as long as you will be honest and open minded with me before,during and after the successful conclusion of this transaction.

I do not know how business is done overseas/international.But there are many secured ways of doing this which could be either of the following:

1. Pay the fund into your existing bank account.
2. Open a new bank account in a place of your choice.
3. Buy an offshore company and use/operate with it.
4. Buying stocks/inves in your company  (Go into a joint venture)
5. You take the funds as a loan at agreed interest rate.

If you have a more perfect way of doing this,do let me know,as i am open to advice.Please do get back to me urgently and if you need more explanation.If you are willing to be my partner,then endeavour to give me your home,office,cell and fax numbers,so that i will be able to get across to you at all times considering our times zone

Please do get back to me on all of the above as i do not want/wish to lose this money.I shall provide for you all the documents of the deposit with  the security/finance company,and raise a power of attorney to enable you claim and receive this fund into your bank account as the new beneficiary.

Bear in mind that i will take care of all upfront expenses prior to receiving fund in your bank account.

My good friend, please for security reasons and for the success of this transaction,absolute confidentiality must be observed at all time due to my position as a member of congress.Looking forward to a mutual beneficiary relationship relationship with you soon.

For confidentiality purpose respond via my email below .

Yours Faithfully,

Honorable:Timothy Audu.

      This is quite possibly the oldest scam on the internet and people are STILL trying it. Worst of all, people are still trying it on me. Seriously, what the fuck is this shit? As a rule of thumb, I don't respond to written business offers that don't use proper capitalization. I also typically don't respond to e-mails that don't use proper modifiers. Also, the adjective form of Nigeria is Nigerian, dammit. And the phrase is mutually beneficial not mutual beneficiary. Why do people suck so much?


      As you can see, the mail that I receive at consists primarily of spam and viruses. Sad... no? Some people may see this as a cheap ploy aimed at generating fan mail and flames. I'd be lying if I responded to that allegation.


Posted by: Syd Lexia