Girls of the NES

      These days, video game graphics are pretty realistic. In fact, some people might say they're TOO realistic. We live in a world where a particularly demented subsection of the population would rather fantasize about fucking Jill Valentine or Lara Croft than get down and dirty with an actual woman; idiotic games such as Dead Or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball were designed to cater to these inbred deviants. Back in the days of the NES, we didn't develop unhealthy sexual attractions to video game characters. Hell, we couldn't. It's pretty hard to spank it to an 8-bit image, especially since female characters on the NES could usually only be distinguished by their ability to wear dresses. Unfortunately for you, that's not going to stop me from attempting to rate the girls of the golden age of gaming in terms of their attractiveness.

       Here's how it works: I have selected 23 female characters from some classic and not-so-classic Nintendo games who I will rate in three categories. First, each girl will be rated in terms of hotness. Hotness shall be defined as subjective measure of the character's aesthetic desirability. Then, in a blatant attempt to placate the three girls who visit my site, each character shall be rated in terms of her inner beauty. Inner beauty shall gauge the character's personality and interpersonal relations. Finally, each girl shall be rated in an arbitrary category for no apparent reason.


Birdo (Super Mario Bros. 2)

      Birdo is different from other Girls of the NES in that whereas the others are actually girls, Birdo is a guy in drag. Oh sure, Birdo may be a pink egg-shooting bow-wearing monster, but it's a guy. In the timeless words of Super Mario Bros. 2 instruction manual: He thinks he is a girl and he spits eggs from his mouth. He'd rather be called "birdetta". Nintendo has since chickened out and their official position is that Birdo is and always was a girl. Unfortunately for them, that decision doesn't reverse the vast psychological damage that was done to the countless children who played this game in 1988, like me. I had no fucking idea what a transvestite was before I played SMB2 and I was hell of a lot happier.

Hotness: 0 - It's a guy with a bow in his hair for Christ's sake!
Inner Beauty: 8 - Although Birdo is filled with eggs, he can never ever give birth to children. That's so tragic that it's beautiful.
Timmy Curry Homage: 10 - He's just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Subcon.


Old Lady (The Legend Of Zelda)

      Dating older women can be OK sometimes, but at a certain point, it becomes grave robbing. The old lady who sells you medicine in Legend of Zelda has exactly what a virile young courter wants: plenty of money and not much longer to live. If Link had any brains at all in his head, he would have Anna Nicoled his way into the good life and let someone else save Hyrule.

Hotness: 4 - She may be old, but there's probably still some traction on those tires.
Inner Beauty: 1 - The bitch won't even talk to you unless you bring her a note from her friend. Elitism is never sexy.
The Right To Self-Medication: 10 - If you got the money, honey, she's got your disease.


Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)

      Who Framed Roger Rabbit? may not be the greatest video game ever, but it is one of the least awful movie to video game conversions from the 8-bit era. At the very least, the key characters are all there: Roger, Eddie, the weasels, Dolores, Baby Herman, Benny The Cab, Judge Doom, and of course, Jessica Rabbit. If you're lucky enough to find the Ink & Paint Club's oft-discarded password lying in a tenement hallway somewhere, you can gain access to the seedy Ink & Paint Club where Jessica will give you a private dance session. She's been toned down a little bit from the movie in that her jugs are no longer the size of robust Guatemalan babies, but she's still rather vivacious. And if you position Eddie Valiant just right, it totally looks like he's flashing her.

Hotness: 10 - Even in NES form, Jessica Rabbit makes me think inappropriate thoughts.
Inner Beauty: 5 - She was voiced by Kathleen Turner, star of crapfests like Serial Mom and War of the Roses, so inner beauty isn't one of her strong points.
Deactivated 1-800 Number: 10 - Jessica Rabbit actually had a toll-free number that you could call for game hints. Too bad it was shut off after one year.


Irene Lew (Ninja Gaiden)

      Tecmo's Ninja Gaiden is generally regarded as one of the best sidescrollers for the NES. The game is filled with badass ninja action, but at its creamy center there's a barely coherent plot involving demon statues, the CIA, and your father who you thought was dead, but he really wasn't, but then he dies anyway. And in the middle of it all is you, Ryu Hayabusa, and your trusty companion Girl. It's a typical, predictable love story: boy meets girl, girl shoots boy with a tranquilizer dart, boy is enlisted by girl to save the world, girl gets kidnapped, boy hands over a crucial item to the bad guys to save her, bad guys don't give her back, boy kicks all their asses and saves the day, girl's boss tries to double cross boy, boy threatens to kill girl's boss, boy takes girl as payment, boy and girl live happily ever after. Also, you eventually find out that Girl's real name is Irene Lew. I'd give a spoiler warning, but the fucking game is 18 years old. Under American law, it can now buy its own cigarettes and it can enter into legally binding contracts.

Hotness: 8 - Any girl who'll trank you when you're not looking is pretty badass.
Inner Beauty: 10 - Even though you saved the planet from like a trillion years of darkness, Irene's boss tells her to kill you. Luckily, she has scruples.
Willingness To Be Objectified: 10 - When Ryu tells Irene that she's his "payment", she gets turned on. Take that, women's suffrage!


Chrissy (Friday the 13th)

      Chrissy rhymes with sissy and that's a rather apropos description of this Crystal Lake camp counselor. Chrissy is quite skilled at running and jumping and if this were a Super Mario Bros. game, she'd be a solid character. The problem is that this is a Jason Voorhees game, and when the infamous movie slasher shows up in a purple jumpsuit and hockey mask looking rather overweight, all she can do is feebly pelt him with skipping stones and steak knifes. Unsurprisingly, the unstoppable Mr. Voorhees is barely fazed by such mundane objects.

Hotness: 2 - Aside from her purple outfit, there's no way to tell that Chrissy is a girl. She doesn't even fucking have eyes.
Inner Beauty: 8 - It takes some serious balls to take on one of the world's deadliest retards with only a lighter and some rocks. Also, she can jump real good.
Teenage Angst: 10 - Unlike the girls in Friday the 13th movies, Chrissy doesn't get to sleep with a cute male counselor before Jason offs her. Poor thing.


Arylon (Final Fantasy)

      There are dancers and then there are dancers. Arylon from Final Fantasy is a dancer with a capital D. I'm not sure exactly why Dancer is capitalized, but I assume it must mean she's the best damn dancer in the entire world. And when the world is veiled in darkness, the wind has stopped, the sea is wild, and the earth begins to rot, that's when the world needs scantily clad entertainers more than ever. That, or it needs four Light Warriors. I always get those two confused for some reason.

Hotness: 7 - Showing some leg is always a good thing, unless you're a fatty.
Inner Beauty: 4 - It's good when a girl isn't ashamed to tell you her name and profession. It's bad when she isn't willing to tell you anything else.
Complete Uselessness: 10 - What purpose do you serve, Arylon? JUSTIFY YOUR FUCKING EXISTENCE!!!


Ellen Ripley (Alien³)

      I was never really a fan of the movie Alien³. In that light, the game is a perfect conversion; LJN turned a movie I have no desire to watch into a game that I have no desire to play. And the worst thing about Alien³ was seeing Ellen Ripley with no hair. As anyone who isn't completely retarded is already aware, Ripley was played by actress Sigourney Weaver who in reality, is pretty hot. Hell, she looked fucking amazing in Galaxy Quest and she was 50 years old when that came out. Sadly, bald chicks are not cool. Not even a little bit. Not even Robin Tunney in Empire Records. In classic LJN fashion, the game's designers managed to make hairless Ripley look even worse. In the video game she is not only bald, she's also hunched over like Moe Szyslak. The result: total awfulness.

Hotness: 1 - Bald chicks are not cool.
Inner Beauty: 7 - When she's not starring in a shitty game based off of a shitty David Fincher movie, Ripley fucking rules.
Cheering Up Cancer Kids: 10 - Thanks to Ripley, little girls with leukemia don't feel so bad when the chemo makes their hair fall out.


Ariel (The Little Mermaid)

      Ariel is a mermaid which means that while she may look human, her lady business has been replaced with a fish tail. That's not cool. And while I certainly wouldn't WANT to make love to a mermaid, I probably would out of morbid curiosity; I need to know if fish genitalia smells like a woman.

Hotness: 6 - If she didn't have a salmon's vagina, this score would be higher.
Inner Beauty: 8 - This movie was about a girl who had to use her inner beauty to woo a man instead of her beautiful voice. No wait, it was about tits.
Fantastic 80s Hair: 10 - Ariel's hair takes up roughly 50% of her character sprite, making her the only girl to ever have poofier hair than Tawny Kitaen.


Razor (Maniac Mansion)

      In even its neutered NES form, Maniac Mansion fucking rocks. You get to choose two characters to help Dave rescue his girlfriend from the evil Dr. Fred, but half of them kinda suck. Who the hell are you gonna take? The stoner Jeff? The frumpish Wendy? That loser Syd? Hell no, you're gonna pick Bernard, Razor, and/or Michael. Razor is a punk rock goddess, an 8-bit version of Wendy O. Williams. As the lead singer of Razor & The Scummettes, Razor taught us that girls don't have to be polite and cute to be smoking hot. She also taught us that microwaving hamsters is fun, but it can have SERIOUS repercussions.

Hotness: 8 - I've always been very partial to 80s fashion.
Inner Beauty: 8 - American punk rock is awesome. Ergo, Razor is awesome.
Punk Rock Piano: 10 - By her own admission, Razor is an uncultured self-righteous punk scumbag. However, she still plays a piano beautifully.


Suitless Samus (Metroid)

      For the longest time, I never knew Samus was female. Since we live in a patriarchal society, I assumed there was a man beneath that generic spacesuit. It was an easy conclusion to jump to, though. Samus isn't a very girly name and she didn't have any feminine curves. Even when I learned the JUSTIN BAILEY and 999999 999999 KKKKKK KKKKKK codes, it never occurred to me that Samus was a woman; I just assumed those were alternate characters. Also, it didn't help that the instruction manual fucking said that Samus was a guy. Way to go, Nintendo of America. When I learned Samus was really a chick, my whole world was turned upside-down. Up until that point, I had thought that skirts were only good at cooking, cleaning, and typing. So I guess the Metroid franchise taught me a valuable lesson: just because you're a broad, that doesn't mean you can't do the same things a man can do. Unfortunately, you'll get paid less for doing them.

Hotness: 10 - She has a move called the Screw Attack. Let's giggle like fucking morons at the unintentional sexual innuendo.
Inner Beauty: 10 - Samus taught us that a girl doesn't need brains to be successful. Brains are giant, evil, and vulnerable to missiles.
Lack Of Common Sense: 10 - Fighting aliens in a leotard and "fuck me" boots is a terrible idea. But hey, it's pretty hot.


Mrs. Beakley (Duck Tales)

      Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I don't find obese elderly anthropomorphic ducks to be attractive. Even if I did, I don't think it's a good idea to fall in love with a housekeeper, especially if she's YOUR housekeeper. Once you start banging her, she's not going to clean your house anymore but she'll charge you anyway. Then you won't have a housekeeper so much as you do a prostitute. Of course, Mrs. Beakley's primary function on the NES isn't cleaning; it's sugar distribution. And while I'm a huge fan of sugar, she's still an obese elderly anthropomorphic duck.

Hotness: 1 - She's old, fat, and she's the legal guardian of a child. Three strikes and you're out.
Inner Beauty: 10 - She may not be attractive, but she's a dedicated grandmother, nanny, and housekeeper.
Adult Onset Diabetes: 10 - If I had a woman to provide me with an endless supply of ice cream, I'd die happy. And soon.


Princess Gwaelin (Dragon Warrior)

      What is love? Perhaps love is like being lost in a dark cave. You wander around in the empty black with a limited supply of torches, hoping to find something pure. But you don't. Instead, you only find ghosts and monsters. And then finally you find a brilliant light, one that fills the cave with a radiance that outshines your torch by at least twentyfold. You walk towards it, entranced by its beauty. Unfortunately for you, it's a dragon. But once you kill it, you meet this totally hot chick who is immediately impressed with you. Also, her dad is like a king or something and he's super rich. That's what love is like. Well, that's what Dragon Warrior is like, and they're basically the same thing.

Hotness: 6 - She's a princess, she's rich, and she has exactly two frames of animation.
Inner Beauty: 1 - Circumstantial evidence uncovered by a blogger indicates that the Tantegel monarchy does things we thought only Magidrakees did.
Total Devotion: 10 - Once you rescue Princess Gwaelin, she falls deeply in love with you. In fact, her love is added to your inventory. It cannot be sold.


The Dark Queen (Battletoads)

      If you've never heard of this game, here's the short version: Battletoads is an amazing fucking game that is also very challenging. The vehicle levels are particularly frustrating and there's too many of them. The end boss is the Dark Queen. She's hot. Really, really hot.

Hotness: 10 - As a result of the Ann Coulter Effect, evil women are inherently hot. And when you put them in tight leather, forget about it.
Inner Beauty: 1 - Um.... she's evil?
Unattainable Beauty: 10 - You know damn well you never made it to the final showdown with Dark Queen. If you did, you fucking cheated.


Vanna White (Wheel Of Fortune: Featuring Vanna White)

      Vanna White fucking rules. She gets paid to clap, but she won't give you the clap. She turns over letters and she turns men on. She may be pushing 50 these days, but through the magic of the NES, you can see a pixelated version of Vanna as she was at age 35. Sadly, it's not a very convincing likeness. If you play this game, you may be left with the false impression that Vanna often wore frilly purple dresses and earrings bigger than her eyeballs.

Hotness: 5 - The NES version of Vanna White doesn't even begin to do her justice.
Inner Beauty: 8 - She was a guest star on both Married... With Children and The Super Mario Bros. Super Show.
Easy Paycheck: 10 - The only thing I'd like more than getting a handjob from Vanna White would be getting her high-paying low-skill job.


Roxy (River City Ransom)

      After the nefarious Slick kidnaps Ryan's girlfriend Cyndi and takes over River City, Alex sets out to save the town and his best friend's best girl. Along the way, Alex faces off against impossible odds in the form of large persistent gangs. A second player can join the battle as Ryan, but the two are still very lacking allies. Their only real help comes in the form of Roxy, Slick's girlfriend. She gives the boys some crucial advice that helps them to avoid death at the hands of Slick's lackeys. We are never explicitly told why Roxy helps Alex and Ryan but since this is a Japanese game, there's only one possible answer: rape. Slick is raping Cyndi and neglecting Roxy, so Roxy is jealous. Also, Cyndi secretly enjoys it. This once again proves my theory: Japanese culture is scary.

Hotness: 4 - Meh.
Inner Beauty: 4 - Any girl who doesn't leave her boyfriend as soon as she realizes he's evil is a stupid bitch.
Lack Of Fashion Sense: 10 - Her dress is so far over the waistline that even Urkel would make fun of her.


Barbie (Barbie)

      As a guy, Barbie dolls are not something that I often think about. I know they exist, but I have no strong feelings whatsoever about their existence. However, I absolutely loathe Barbie's NES game. It's pointless, easy, and completely retarded. And while there is no shortage of half-assed video games that rival Barbie in these three regards, this game has an ace in the hole that pushes it over the edge. Namely, the game's storyline is that Barbie has a dream that she's at the mall. No, seriously. Your life bar is comprised of Zs and you spend the entire game dodging water fountains and throwing charms from your magic bracelet at angry blouses. Again, I'm not fucking kidding. Along with the Mary-Kate and Ashley games, this piece of shit is considered to be the main reason why most girls don't like video games.

Hotness: 1 - I don't know what it is, but she's looks kinda plastic. Maybe she's had too much Botox.
Inner Beauty: 1 - Barbie is empty inside. I know because I cut her open and checked.
Marketing Gone Awry : 10 - Barbie was more fun as a doll than as an NES game, at least then you could have your Decepticons gangbang her.


Sophia (Vice: Project Doom)

      If you think that the Ninja Gaiden cut scenes are badly written and convoluted, then you've probably never played Vice: Project Doom. Vice: Project Doom takes poorly developed video game plots to a whole new level. In it, you play as Officer Quinn Hart, a vice squad officer who is tricked into killing his friend Reese and his girlfriend Christy when a ruthless corporation run by his evil clone turns them into horrible monsters with its patented green slime. I don't know, maybe it looked better on paper. Hart has one other friend, Sophia, who he somehow manages not to kill. Sophia shows up at several points in the game and tells Hart where to go. As you're playing the game, you get the feeling that she's in on the conspiracy and she's setting you up. As it turns out, she's not. There's also a recurring theme in the game where Hart is disappointed every time Sophia shows up instead of Christy. I don't see why; Sophia's much prettier.

Hotness: 7 - Despite sharing her name with one of the Golden Girls, Sophia is fairly cute.
Inner Beauty: 7 - She's filled with exposition.
Rebound Sex: 10 - Since his girlfriend is dead, it's pretty much a given that Hart will hook up with Sophia.


Tina (Adventure Island)

      Like David Arquette and Courtney Cox, Master Higgins and Tina are a couple who seem to be completely mismatched. Master Higgins is a fat sweaty guy who will die if he doesn't eat every few minutes. Tina is fairly attractive girl who calls herself Princess Leilani when she gets drunk. We may never know what she sees in Master Higgins, but one thing is certain: she definitely gave it up when he rescued her from the Evil Witch Doctor.

Hotness: 7 - Her bikini is the closest thing to nudity you'll find in a mainstream NES release.
Inner Beauty: 10 - She loves Master Higgins despite his morbid obesity, so she's definitely got some class.
Where Are They Now?: 10 - Dammit Hudson, give us another fucking Adventure Island game already.


Linda (Double Dragon)

      With her large breasts, extra pounds, and neon spandex, Double Dragon's Linda looks more like a third-tier 80s porn star than a second-tier 80s video game villain. Aside from her obsession with whips, Linda isn't particularly interesting and she certainly isn't attractive. In fact, she looks like Carrot Top with tits. I'd respect Linda a whole lot more if she looked like her Topps sticker card.

Hotness: 3 - ATTENTION LADIES: Please don't wear skintight clothing if you're not in good shape.
Inner Beauty: 1 - She's a gangbanger... the kind Andy Sipowicz used to bring in for questioning, not the kind you find on P2P programs.
Sadomasochism: 10 - Whip it. Whip it good.


Princess Lala (Adventures Of Lolo 2)

      Adorned with a bow, Princess Lala is an otherwise androgynous pink ball who is rescued by Lolo in the first two Adventures of Lolo games. In the third game, you can play as either character. You can tell that Lolo is a boy and Lala is a girl because one is pink and one is blue. HAL Laboratories is quite clever, no? Lolo may be a blue ball, but once he rescues Lala, he is able to cure his blue balls. I'm sorry, that was terrible. However, the Lolo games are far from terrible.

Hotness: 1 - She'd make a much better basketball than a lover.
Inner Beauty: 3 - There's no absolutely no character development in any of Lolo's adventures, so I picked this number at random.
Puzzle-Solving: 10 - Princess Lala may be hideous, but the Lolo games kick ass.


Cherry Grace (Golgo 13)

      Golgo 13's Cherry Grace is a great character. First of all, her name embodies two of the main traits that I look for in a female companion. Second, her hair color matches her outfit. I like that. Third, she's easy. All it takes is a hotel room and a moonlit night and she'll spread quicker than I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. If movies, video games, and crappy pulp fiction novels have taught us anything, it's that spies are only good at two things: fucking and killing. Fortunately, you only get to do one of those things to Cherry.

Hotness: 10 - She puts out for no reason.
Inner Beauty: 10 - She puts out for no reason.
Sex Scene: 10 - The Golgo 13 sex scene is quite lacking in actual sex, but I have a good imagination.


Princess Zelda (Zelda II: The Adventure Of Link)

      Is there anything more confusing than the chronology of the Legend of Zelda games? Probably, but I don't dare to imagine it. In Zelda II, you must rescue a second Princess Zelda, one who has been in a deep sleep for many years and after whom the Zelda from the original game is named. Despite being two different characters, they look exactly the same: red dress, brown hair. The Zelda in Link To The Past also has brown hair and could presumably be either one, but all subsequent Zeldas have blonde hair. Are any of them even the same character? Who knows? Since the games are all really fun, I don't particularly care either.

Hotness: 8 - Sure she's in a magical coma, but she's the titular character. Thus, she must be hot.
Inner Beauty: 9 - In Ocarina of Time, she had the Triforce of Wisdom inside her. How's that for inner beauty?
Date Rape: 10 - Since Zelda is already incapacitated, Link doesn't have to waste rupees on rufies.


Princess Toadstool (Super Mario Bros.)

      In the original Super Mario Bros. game, the princess was a rather awkward size. She was tall enough to make regular Mario feel inadequate, but small enough that Super Mario would probably split her in half if he didn't take special care to be gentle. Also, she looks like Milton Berle in drag. In both versions of Super Mario Bros. 2, the princess's character model shows marked improvement. And in the American SMB2 instruction manual, she appears as the Princess Peach that we all recognize, the one whose Super Smash Brothers Melee taunt can be used to annoy the hell out of people. Let's try and forget she ever looked like this.

Hotness: 4 - Unlike Mario, the original Princess Peach sprite doesn't stand the test of time.
Inner Beauty: 8 - Princess Peach is too nice for her own good. Maybe if she wasn't so fucking gullible, she wouldn't keep getting captured by Bowser.
Playing With Mommy's Makeup: 10 - Is there anything more repulsive than red lipstick?

      Well, that's basically it. If there are any characters that you feel I should have included like Wendy O. Koopa from Super Mario Bros. 3 or Breathless Mahoney from Dick Tracy, too bad. This was never meant to be a comprehensive list of all female characters in NES games. I have absolutely no desire to rate obscure characters such as the orphanage lady's daughters from The Three Stooges or Pretty Amy from Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf. The line had to be drawn somewhere and I think I did a pretty good job with character selection. Feel free to e-mail me and bitch about it though. I love that.

NOTE: does not condone rape of any kind, unless you have a really good reason.


Posted by: Syd Lexia