The three greatest heels in history...Andy Kaufman, Triple H, and Dr. Jeebus
username
Title: owner of a lonely heart
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Posted:
Nov 06 2009 01:35 am
i think syd's way makes more sense. if the whole thought is fragmented, it just seems to flow better rather than just half of it fragmented
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Dr. Jeebus
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Posted:
Nov 06 2009 02:26 am
username wrote:
i think syd's way makes more sense. if the whole thought is fragmented, it just seems to flow better rather than just half of it fragmented
Read that the way you would read dialogue, though, as the narration is basically the protagonist's voice. Every. Word. Is. A. Seperate. Thought. It takes forever to get through that sentence, and it loses all impact by the end. Also, the emphasis is only supposed to be on the last 3 words, so if it's all written like that then there's no emphasis on those words anymore, as there's no distinguishing factor.
The three greatest heels in history...Andy Kaufman, Triple H, and Dr. Jeebus
SoldierHawk
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Posted:
Nov 06 2009 02:55 am
Dr. Jeebus wrote:
username wrote:
i think syd's way makes more sense. if the whole thought is fragmented, it just seems to flow better rather than just half of it fragmented
Read that the way you would read dialogue, though, as the narration is basically the protagonist's voice. Every. Word. Is. A. Seperate. Thought. It takes forever to get through that sentence, and it loses all impact by the end. Also, the emphasis is only supposed to be on the last 3 words, so if it's all written like that then there's no emphasis on those words anymore, as there's no distinguishing factor.
Exactly. This is the difference between emphasizing dialogue and talking like Captain Kirk.
Any actual book editor will insist you change it. But whatever, it's one sentence in a prologue that I thoroughly enjoy.
username
Title: owner of a lonely heart
Joined: Jul 06 2007
Location: phoenix, az usa
Posts: 16123
Posted:
Nov 06 2009 11:49 am
i guess im used to chuck palahniuks way of writing, so i wont argue that one small part of your novel.
Klimbatize wrote:
I'll eat a turkey sandwich while blowing my load
Rydog
Title: Dragon Slayer
Joined: Aug 11 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1511
Posted:
Nov 06 2009 11:55 am
A lot of discussion over 5 words. I vote Jeebus.
But if it were mine I would drop the "And" and unite the sentence.
The day of the Apocalypse has come. God has all but lost. It’s all my Fault.
JoshWoodzy
Joined: May 22 2008
Location: Goshen, VA
Posts: 6544
Posted:
Nov 06 2009 12:00 pm
No way, the "And" makes that sentence more engaging somehow. Anyways, it really isn't that big of a difference. Now post Chapter 1 right meow.
Syd Lexia
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Posted:
Nov 06 2009 12:18 pm
Dr. Jeebus wrote:
Syd Lexia wrote:
I very much enjoyed it, and would like to read more.
One minor suggestion. Either completely fragment the entire last sentence or completely unite it. I would say fragment it: And. It's. All. My. Fault.
The segmentation is to emphasize each of the three last words. Your way looks awkward.
Actually, your way looks awkward, and it's disengaging. Emphasizing three words in five word sentence doesn't make a lick sense. The entire sentence is important, and should be treated as such.
I very much enjoyed it, and would like to read more.
One minor suggestion. Either completely fragment the entire last sentence or completely unite it. I would say fragment it: And. It's. All. My. Fault.
The segmentation is to emphasize each of the three last words. Your way looks awkward.
Actually, your way looks awkward, and it's disengaging. Emphasizing three words in five word sentence doesn't make a lick sense. The entire sentence is important, and should be treated as such.
Well it's a matter of opinion and we're not gonna agree. I find your way extremely distracting to read, so I unless a publisher tells me that refusal to change it is gonna be a deal breaker in terms of selling the book, it stays.
The three greatest heels in history...Andy Kaufman, Triple H, and Dr. Jeebus
username
Title: owner of a lonely heart
Joined: Jul 06 2007
Location: phoenix, az usa
Posts: 16123
Posted:
Nov 06 2009 01:44 pm
once again i agree w/syd.
the original sentence (And Its All My Fault.) flows well w/normal punctuation, but when you break it up in your fashion, the first half is a sentence fragment and the second half is just 3 separate words. so if you break up the whole thing, it feels clumsy.
i guess im reneging on my original statement about not arguing about that.
at any rate, as you mentioned, it shouldnt be a deal breaker, so we'll just let it go
Klimbatize wrote:
I'll eat a turkey sandwich while blowing my load
Dr. Jeebus
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Posted:
Nov 06 2009 02:56 pm
Just before we let it go in case someone else has the urge to either not let it go or nitpick something of a similar nature, I posed the simple question "Would you read on?" because that is what I need to know, and I have my answer. This isn't a group project, and my style of writing is not a matter of debate. Although thanks, user, cause while it wasn't a direct answer to my question, I appreciate knowing that apparently the character was going to read as gay to some people because of, as far as I can tell, a little known E.
The three greatest heels in history...Andy Kaufman, Triple H, and Dr. Jeebus
GPFontaine
Joined: Dec 06 2007
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 11244
Posted:
Nov 06 2009 03:19 pm
Jeebus,
I am not a fan of fiction written in the present time in the first person. I am not sure how other people feel about that, but for me I get hung up too easily when reading present tense from the first person's point of view.
Dr. Jeebus
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Posted:
Nov 06 2009 03:43 pm
GPFontaine wrote:
Jeebus,
I am not a fan of fiction written in the present time in the first person. I am not sure how other people feel about that, but for me I get hung up too easily when reading present tense from the first person's point of view.
Only the prologue and epilogue will be written in the present tense, everything else is past tense. I'm not the biggest fan of reading the present tense and I HATE writing it, but for the structure of the story, this was the most logical decision.
The three greatest heels in history...Andy Kaufman, Triple H, and Dr. Jeebus
Optimist With Doubts
Title: Titlating
Joined: Dec 17 2007
Posts: 5042
Posted:
Nov 06 2009 03:44 pm
Dr. Jeebus wrote:
Just before we let it go in case someone else has the urge to either not let it go or nitpick something of a similar nature, I posed the simple question "Would you read on?" because that is what I need to know, and I have my answer. This isn't a group project, and my style of writing is not a matter of debate. Although thanks, user, cause while it wasn't a direct answer to my question, I appreciate knowing that apparently the character was going to read as gay to some people because of, as far as I can tell, a little known E.
Well you did also ask for feedback.
SoldierHawk
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Posted:
Nov 13 2009 04:40 pm
This is on an older blog entry, but given the recent South Park episode, and how well it got its own (and Jeebus'!) point across, I thought it might be interesting to note a counter-point from one of the gaming personalities I respect the most. I'm not sure I agree with him entirely, but I do think he makes some good and valid points:
(It has to do with Jeebus' entry on the word 'fag' by the way, since I didn't specify that earlier.)
William Shakespeare wrote:
Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
Syd Lexia
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Posted:
Nov 13 2009 04:45 pm
You know, when I think of that word, Adam "What The Fuck Is Wrong With My Neck?" Sessler is one of the first people who comes to mind.
Really? I guess we've got to agree to disagree on that then. I've always found him to be one of the most intelligent and pertinent game commentators out there. He's not the best reviewer out there, but in terms of discussing issues in the industry and how they relate to life and the world as a whole, I don't think there's anyone better out there. The only person I've found who even comes close is Bob Chipman (the Game Overthinker), but even he takes second place to Sessler for me. *shrug* I mean, his take on the Modern Warfare 2 controversy (the episode that aired right after the one above, actually) was absolutely brilliant, and helped me solidify my own take on the issue:
(And yes, I promise this will be the last one I post. Him personally is not the issue I was trying to raise here; I just liked his counter-point on Jeebus'/South Park's take on the 'fag' issue.)
William Shakespeare wrote:
Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
Optimist With Doubts
Title: Titlating
Joined: Dec 17 2007
Posts: 5042
Posted:
Nov 13 2009 06:36 pm
I have always liked Adam Sessler and he seemed to do a good job speaking his points up there.
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