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Joined: Oct 19 2009 Location: Nashville, TN Posts: 1479

Now that I'm back on these undead forums, I hope that you also return and read again the first post you ever made here, but tried to delete, had I not saved it for posterity.

DrewLinky wrote:

I'm new to this forum, so excuse me if I come off as a bad writer. Oh, wait, you won't have to excuse me, because I'll tell you to fuck off if you say bad things about this article.

Oh, and I don't want anyone telling me I'm a hater, so here's my disclaimer: I LOVE The Legend of Zelda. It is practically my life. Hell, I learned to READ from playing it. So I don't hate it. Or, maybe I do. There's no way you could possibly know.

That said, I'm going to begin my ran--recollection of The Legend of Zelda, one of the best (and most infuriating) games of all time.

I'm going to begin at... you guessed it, the beginning.

RANDOM FACT: After I beat this game for the first time, I went back to the title screen and sat for a few minutes, looking at the title (duh). Then I noticed that the sword sticking into the bottom of the Triforce Piece is not the straight-sword Zelda fans are oh-so familiar with. It is in fact a fencing-sword, like the French (or whoever) use. What the fuck is that for?

Anyway, once you put in your name (which is never used, by the way), you get dumped in the middle of an area you know nothing about. You have no map, no weapons, no methods of defense (no, I don't count that little piece of shit they call a shield. You couldn't block a cumshot from the tiniest balls in the universe with that), and worst of all, no instructions on what to do (that is, if you're like me and don't wait around for secret shit to happen on the title screen).

Now, I, being the young explorer I was, decided NOT to go into the cave. Instead, I would wander around the map until I was killed by the stray octoroc or moblin. After about three times of this, I actually screamed in anger at the television and didn't play until the next week.

When I resumed playing, I decided to go into the cave. After I recieved the sword, I crept into bed and cried for the next hour or so. Then, I finally picked up the controller and started off again, this time killing each and every enemy I found with fervor and animosity roughly equivalent to a dragon setting fire to a village while he has a big, fat stick up his ass.

Anyhow, I magically ended up at the fourth dungeon first. And I didn't look to see which dungeon it was because I didn't care. That is, I didn't care until about the fourteenth time I died. After that, I looked around to see what I was doing wrong, and saw, 'Dungeon 4'.

I threw the controller down (and broke it, I might add), and killed a puppy or two. The next day, when I restarted, I found that bridge to the dungeon-in-a-stump and praised Allah that I had found the first dungeon.

After much killing of those annoying bats, I found my way to both the boomerang and the bow (you know, in terms of number of uses, I consider the boomerang more useful then the bow. Not to mention that the bow is a bitch to use when you're low on rupees).

Now, after I defeated the boss (I learned a long time later that he's called Aquamentis, even though he has NOTHING TO DO WITH WATER WHATSO-FUCKIN' EVER. Remind you of something, Syd?), I felt proud of myself. I beat the first dungeon of an epic game.

Then I learned that there were more. I felt overwhelmed. But, I pressed on. I found the second dungeon, and after I killed another puppy beat that too. I continued in this manner (not necessarily the puppy thing... oh, who am I kidding? The world is at least thirty puppies less) until I was at Ganon's lair.

Now, the final dungeon in The Legend of Zelda is an experience I will never forget. I spent an entire week just finding the silver arrow. And I spent another two days finding Ganon. After I did, I raped that mother fucker like he was Pamela Anderson. And I enjoyed every fuckin' minute of his virtual 8-bit pain. After I was done shoving my sword up his ass, and he poofed into dust like Cartmen's balls, I walked forward into the room containing the flames and Zelda inside them, and I slashed every flame with a feeling that is equal only to the biggest orgasm you could possibly imagine.

And when that chore was done, I watched the end. (And note that the glitch where she does NOT use the name you entered appears both on the NES and ported GBA versions. If you're going to port a highly successful game and want it to be MORE successful, FIX THE FUCKIN' BUGS, YOU FUCKTARDS!!!)

Anyway, I watched the end. And, as I slowly realized that Link would in fact NOT be getting any from little Miss Trapped-By-An-Oversized-Pig, I turned off the NES and killed the homeless guy living under the bridge.

That is the recollection of my first experience with The Legend of Zelda. I love the game, I love the series, but I don't play it anymore unless I have about thirty hours of free-time, and no puppies are in the vacinity.

DODONGO DISLIKES SMOKE

Posted: Oct 17 2019 06:01 pm

Drew Linky please come back!

Posted: Oct 20 2019 11:29 pm

Whoa, that's weird. I read that article less than a week ago when I was meandering through the forums lol. Dat three and a half year bump....

http://www.sydlexia.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=165477&highlight=#165477

^OG thread^

Joined: Oct 19 2009 Location: Nashville, TN Posts: 1479

Very crazy to me that it's been six years since the 3 year bump.

Joined: Oct 30 2019 Posts: 4

Dat three and a half year bump too

Joined: Aug 24 2005 Location: Mount Holly, NJ Posts: 1062

This thread gives me hope that a random bump will one day revive the forums. BUUUUUMP.