On dark and chilly October 31st, in Mrytle Beach, SC, my Parents Michele (one "l") and Adolf (his real name is hidden to protect what little dignity he has left) were attending a halloween party at a friends house, (both knowing I was due out of the womb on Nov 1st) drinking playing stupid games and smoking weed, yes I was a litte 9 month old baby but I was high already which would explain a lot about me in the years to come.
The clock got to about 8 or 9 o'clock, (this is unverifiable strictly a guesstimation) when it happened, I had to come out, "Adolf" my mother screams "my water broke" keep in mind my mother is dressed as a gumball machine big clear garbage bag with tons of multiple colored balloons, (and I always thought she was unimaginative...she showed me), my dad dressed as a DR., (LMAO yes a DR. I have picture, atleast he can pretend to be important.) says, "should I call a cab" ok timeout...If your a guy and reading this don't ever say "should I call a cab" joking or not, this is going to be the happiest moment of your life and you want your wife to go alone in a cab to the hospital so you can keep partying, I found later he was serious. I was a mistake he regreted but we will get back to that later.
She CONVINCES him to take her to the hospital and Douche Labouche McCallister was born (not Devin or Zachary or even Noah...they decide to go with Douche), 7lbs 9 oz. on November 1st 1982 at 1:52 a.m. This is where the story starts. This is where my saga begins and the life as I know it commences...
Of course I'm a baby but you remember shit when your small, dramatic, mean, evil shit...
Now to my first memory...It was a normal saturday morning in March of 1984, im a year and a half almost at this point...when my dad, who is staying with his mother, is upstairs, my mom is helping my grandmother, the sweetest old lady in the world, make lunch. Just me and my daddy spending quality dad watching tv while ignoring baby time. Im crawling around and playing with all the cool stuff that used to be under the beds, boxes and my rattle, and a pacifer which even though was on the hard wood floor covered in dust and dog hair was good enough for me to put in my mouth, HE LOVED ME...so I'm on a mission now my teeth are hurting and im looking to make someones life a living hell, i figure ill poop and make him clean me, wipe my butt or something, so I crawl up some stairs, little did I know what was about to happen to me, by the way theres 23 of them(I had to verify that for this autobiography) I made the biggest mess for him to clean up but then he foiled my plans by yelling "MICHELE!!! Your son needs changed!", (YOUR SON!!! come on now man up and clean the baby you brought into this world jerk)
So the orignal plan backfires so I gotta go with plan B. If he's not gonna clean me I'm just gonna go up there and cry every chance I get til the bastard shows some love...so back up the 23 stair mountain, a mountain made of steep steps and wood, and get to the closed door behind which sat my dad watching his beloved game on the television, which I had all intentions of ruining or atleast making less fun, when all of a sudden because of one bad play my dad swings open the door and I go bouncing/flying down these stairs...
ok lets take a time out to emphazise the fact that I am literally bouncing down these stairs, Picture a baby now picture this baby bouncing down some stairs, not like tumbling but like flying up in the air a couple feet, not hitting every step of course, but flying through the air and hitting every other and sometimes every third step all the way down, during which time my two front bottom teeth get knocked out through my lip.
Im bleeding quite badly at this time and with my very last ounce of baby strength I look up and see the menacing smile of my father, proud of what he had done, I clinched my baby fist and I shook it at him bent on revenge, "touche old man" i thought you've won this time, laying there as my world went black. It was at that time when my mom comes flying into the room screaming and crying...
Note* I dont like my dad.
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