So this weekend, there are two "major" films opening. Granted, actually well-regarded films like "Match Point" and "Brokeback Mountain" are going into wider release, but that's not what I mean.

First off, we get Eli Roth's "Hostel", which is confusing everyone into thinking it's a Quentin Tarantino movie. I wonder how that's going to play out. I'm seeing that tonight... I was one of the three people who genuinely liked "Cabin Fever", even if I can admit it had its rough patches.

But, butbutbut, today is also the glorious unveiling of Uwe Boll's newest masteripiece, "BLOODRAYNE", based (in name only) on the video game franchise (if you can call it a franchise... two games so far, but available on every system known to man). As an avid fan of all things that suck, I'm going Sunday to see this one on the big screen. I actually OWN both "House of the Dead" and "Alone in the Dark", so I'm expecting good (and by good I mean "awful, awful, awful") things out of the film. Granted, the Terminatrix getting naked WILL be nice.

Anyway, I stumbled across an interview over at bloody-disgusting.com in which Boll states the following:

"Now people are coming to me with Metal Gear Solid. They wrote a script, and Konami basically paid these people to write it. And I hope that Metal Gear Solid will be working."

The thought of this scares me to death.

Also, the Dungeon Siege movie currently exists in two cuts, a 150 minute theatrical version and a 190 minute DVD-release version. Dear fucking God.

The link:
http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/index.php?Show=5550&Template=newsfull

Syd Lexia wrote:

First, on Brokeback Mountain: Green-Eyed Zeke, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute. Also,I thought Dungeon Siege was getting broken into two movies.... is that not happening anymore?

Aww... oh well, if you give me one of those little paper slips, I won't have to use the three shells.

And, originally it was going to be split up, but according to Uwe, that's not happening anymore. He's going the "LOTR" route, not the "Kill Bill" one.

So okay... I saw both movies.

"Hostel" is seriously fucked up. I see a LOT of horror movies and nothing, and I mean NOTHING, offends me. That being said, this one was a sucker punch to the face. Eli Roth actually buries a morality play inside his story and it makes the gore sequences that much more effective. He's really come into his own as a filmmaker. Good stuff.

"BloodyRayne". Oh dear God. What can I say? First, know that Michelle Rodriguez adopts a British accent in this movie... about an hour into the film. Yeah, for no real reason she starts talking in this forced way and it completely confused the eight of us in the theater.

Also know that Ben Kingsley needs someone to give him a huge, look into his eyes, and say "Never again. Never again". Billy Zane has a whopping two scenes, is credited with making a "SPECIAL APPEARANCE", and wears the worst wig in cinema history. Michael Madsen makes his "Sin City" performance look positively natural by comoparison. Um... there is an early on scene that actually involves a flashback within a flashback that goes nowhere. And little verbal cues are laid through the picture that go nowhere. For example, Michael Madsen tells Ben Kingsley "We meet again..", with no explanation of when they met the first time. Similarly, the Billy Zane character is Michelle Rodriguez's father and he wants a truce to possibly overthrow Ben Kingsley. There is one scene that references this and then the thread is dropped completely. Not just ignored. DROPPED. You never see Zane again. I guess the budget ran out.

Meat Loaf has one scene. He's surrounded by naked chicks and overacts worse than Zane or Kingsley.

The plot, as far as I could tell, involved BloodRayne wanting revenge on Ben Kingsley for raping and killing her Mom (hence, how she was a born -- half human, half vampire). To beat him, she needs three artifacts, the head vampire's eye, heart, and rib, which are stashed around the world. Yeah, you heard me right. They fucking stole the storyline of "Castlevania II".

This is cheese at its finest and as a bonus, Kristanna Lokken does in fact show off her boobs, though not to the degree Uwe kept promising in interviews. The sex scene is more or less one for the slow-mo function on your DVD player.

Other little things stood out. Like the fact that Rayne never changes clothes at all during her travels, yet she's always squeaky clean. Or the fact that there are multiple voiceovers as Michael Madsen and his gang are traveling the countryside on horseback, all of which are NOT mixed into the soundtrack properly, nor do they sound like anything other than a bored actor standing in a booth re-reading the crap he's been fed.

So yeah... Uwe is keeping his streak alive.