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UsaSatsui's Youtube Channel · Posted: Jun 17 2009 04:14 pm

I wrote this story about 9 months ago. I don't write too often because I don't get good ideas so often. Anyways, I stumbled upon it the other day and figured I'd share it. Criticism is welcome (I know we have some teachers here...eep).

It's here.

Joined: May 22 2008 Location: Goshen, VA Posts: 6544

Very well written, buddy. Very few complaints, but there is one little thing to look at:

The context seems a little off. Maybe the way it's presented in the present tense seems a little odd.

Example: "I wake up in another strange room, in another unfamilar place. "

Example: "I prepared my makeshift bed in the loft."

There are a few other inconsistent past and present tense issues, but overall this is a really good story and I urge you to continue.

Posted: Jun 18 2009 02:13 pm

I liked it, some parts I could have done without, and the writing wasn't like a masterpiece or anything, but it had a lot of feeling and I felt sad at the end. For that, I'll give you an A+.

UsaSatsui's Youtube Channel · Posted: Jun 18 2009 05:58 pm

I think the past-present thing is something I always have trouble with.

MOGHARR, what parts could you have done without?

Posted: Jun 18 2009 08:35 pm

UsaSatsui wrote:

I think the past-present thing is something I always have trouble with.

MOGHARR, what parts could you have done without?

Well, skimming over it again, it's not like there are entire paragraphs or plot points or anything like that. Just a few sentences here and there. For example, I don't think you really even needed the first sentence. Some sentences just seem to chop up the story.

Posted: Jun 21 2009 01:14 am

Overall I really like this.

The pacing of it was well done IMO. I need to get back into more writing...