SydLexia.com - Ted Kennedy Is Worse Than Hitler

Sieg heil! Bring me chowdah!

Ted Kennedy is WORSE THAN HITLER!

American political discourse is rapidly deteriorating into nothing more than hysterical accusations and petty name-calling. Since there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop this from happening, I might as well join in the fun. The name Hitler gets thrown around a lot, but it doesn't get thrown around quite enough. These days, it seems that only leaders of nations get compared to Hitler. For example, if President Bush backs an anti-terrorism measure that even *might* encroach on the personal liberties of Americans, Bill Maher or some other left wing retard is sure to say something like: "You know, that's how Hitler got his start, with baby steps." Well, let me tell you something, Bush isn't Hitler. He's a mediocre president and a spendthrift, but he's NOT FUCKING HITLER. By the same token, whenever the conservatives want to pick a fight with someone, they compare him to Hitler. Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and Kim Jong-il have all been compared to Hitler at some point. While these are all awful men, none of them can ever hope to be even half as evil as Hitler. Saddam Hussein may have killed several thousand Kurds with poison gas, but Hitler killed 6 million Jews. If killing people were a pissing contest, Saddam would be pratically constipated. I could rant for another 3,000 words about how comparing people to Hitler is fucking stupid, but the sad truth is that alarmism sells and I need hits. So let me explain to you why Ted Kennedy is a terrible son of a bitch, who actually surpasses Hitler in terms of evilness.

Let's take a look at some of the things Hitler did:

1. Rather than cashing in on his family's name recognition, Hitler built a name for himself.
2. Hitler never cheated on his wife
3. Hitler wasn't a drunk
4. Hitler wasn't grotesquely out of shape
5. Hitler earned every dollar he ever made
6. Hitler killed six million Jews

As you may have noticed, the first five things on our list of Hitler's accomplishments are all pretty favorable. To be sober, to be hard-working, to be faithful to one's lover, and to be fit are all admirable traits... and Ted Kennedy possesses absolutely NONE of them. In points 1-5, Kennedy is a worse human being than Adolf Hitler. Ah, but what of point #6? Ted Kennedy hasn't killed anywhere near six million people of ANY race, religion, or creed. But he did kill one person, Mary Jo Kopechne, who had the misfortune of being in his car when he drove it off a bridge while drunk. Let me now refer you to the most famous thing that Joseph Stalin ever said:

"One death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic."

Since Stalin is the greatest human being who ever lived, it follows that he is also the smartest. And by Stalin's logic, Ted Kennedy's drunk driving accident is worse than the Holocaust. I submit to you that he is right. If you're not convinced yet, perhaps seeing the claim again in bigger, bolder, blacker letters will convince you:

TED KENNEDY IS WORSE THAN HITLER!!!

I used all caps, and that means I win because nothing beats capital letters. Not logic, not emotional appeals, not an entire shipping crate filled to the brim with dead John F. Kennedys. The issue is closed. Go home.

NOTE: No matter who you compare him to,Ted Kennedy is still a pretty horrible human being.